Previously on The Vampire Diaries: Stefan, Damon are protecting the coffins from view by having the Witch House hide them. Bonnie tries to open the locked one, but to no avail. It’s Caroline’s birthday, but instead of being happy all it does is remind her that she’s dead. Elena, Bonnie and Matt throw her a birthday/funeral party, and Bonnie bitches Elena out for having Damon compel Jeremy to leave town. Meanwhile, Klaus has sire mindmelded Tyler to bite Caroline, which he does even though he really doesn’t want to. Since Klaus isn’t getting rid of the hybrids in town, Stefan kidnaps Elena and speeds down toward Wickery Bridge, threatening to Klaus on the phone that he’ll turn Elena into a vampire, thus ridding Klaus of his hybrid blood supply unless Klaus gets his hybrids to vacate. Klaus finally assents and Elena is safe. But still with plans in place, Klaus heads over to Caroline’s place and in an extremely touching speech, convinces Caroline to drink his blood so that she can live – and get out in the world and experience real beauty – and gives her a very expensive-looking diamond bracelet. Oh, and Alaric and Meredith get closer DID I MENTION THE BRACELET?!
Oh goody another episode that opens with Bonnie in a dream.
She’s wandering through the cemetery looking at the grave stones of all her dead (female) relatives when she comes to the locked coffin.
As she’s trying to open it, Klaus comes up behind her and taunts her: “I can figure out how to open it. Can you?”
And then he bites her! Oh for this to not be a dream! Bonnie gasps awake… but she’s locked inside a coffin. I… I can’t even write about it. *shudder*
She screams and bangs and eventually it opens, and there’s a chick looking inside at her.
Oh, it was another dream. What kind of Inception shit is this?!
Bonnie is telling Elena that she’s been having the same dreams over and over again – like the witches are trying to tell her something. Elena, for some reason, is surprised that they kept the coffins a secret from her for so long. Really, Elena? Bonnie explains that if she had known, Klaus more than likely would have tortured or killed someone to get the secret out of her, and knowing how much Elena likes being a protector, we all know how that would have turned out. Bonnie explains the coffins hold Elijah and two others, and the fourth coffin holds some secret.
Stefan comes in all P.O.’d that Elena’s down there, but Bonnie needs her help finding someone to help open the coffin – her mother! Dun dun dun! *shrug*
Over at la Casa de Gilbert, Elena and Bonnie are looking through driver’s license photos of every Abby Bennett in the country that Elena got from the Sheriff’s office. Oh, so many questions. 1) They just give that shit out? 2) Why didn’t they just Bing her?
Bonnie thanks her for helping, and Elena asks why not just let Stefan worry about opening the coffin since he sort of created this problem, but Bonnie explains that it’s spelled shut, so it’s sort of her territory.
Oooh, look who’s decided to be all helpful!
Speaking of helpful people, I guess Damon’s also got the bug because he comes in with some very interesting information. Abby Bennett Wilson, who lives in Monroe, NC. That’s about 30-40 mins away from Charlotte, where Mikael was trapped in that tomb. Remember this folks; it comes into play later. (Also, can I just take a minute to squee about this show taking place where I used to live? Shiiit, y’all. Now I’m all nostalgic.). And just for shits and giggles, let’s say that Mystic Falls is probably around 5ish hours from Charlotte, give or take. Let’s play a game called how long does it take the girls to get there!
Damon wants to go, but Elena says no. Bonnie notices that they’re being weird (when aren’t they?) and Damon says “We kissed. Now it’s weird.”
Hee! Well, alright then.
Over at the Forbes residence, Tyler is there to apologize, yet again,
and Caroline is all “you bit me, you dick!” She doesn’t say dick, but she should’ve! Tyler explains that he told Klaus no, but it happened anyway, proving that he can’t control it. Which is why he had Sheriff Mom call in CarDaddy.
Oh, CarDaddy. You best behave; we’re watching you.
Tyler wanted him to come because he figured if he can teach Caroline to withstand compulsion, then maybe he can teach Tyler to withstand the sire bond. And that sentence just sort of felt dirty.
But don’t worry, kids, the HoNo gets much worse as the episode wears on. Caroline asks if he actually can help, and CarDaddy says he’s going to try. Why?
Devil Incarnate: Because he made a mistake and he wants to make good. And I can understand that.
Cin & Christina: We’re still watching you.
Over at the Mystic Grill, Alaric and Meredith are on a booze date (in Alaric’s world, those are the only kind). He offers her another beer, but she says no because she has to work in 15 minutes and a drunk doctor is a bad doctor. Which is true. Just ask Jack Shephard. Alaric says “Well it depends on what kind of drunk you are.” NO, ALARIC. NO, IT DOES NOT. Meredith says she’s an angry drunk, and they both agree that’s bad. Now, take for instance Jack Shephard. He’s a weepy drunk. Also bad. Drunk doctors are bad doctors, Alaric, okay? Okay. As she leaves, he’s all “next time, dinner?” and she agrees.
And that’s when Damon walks up. Looks like Alaric schedules his dates back to back. Damon asks what Meredith’s damage is – any girl that hot and that smart has to have something wrong with her. Of course she does, douchenozzles. Alaric admits he’s looking for red flags, like the fact that her ex called her a psychopath in front of him at the Council Meeting/Gala, but Damon says the words of an ex can’t be taken seriously.
Then he takes a look at the bill, inhales sharply and hands it to Alaric. Jesus. 1) How much was that bill that Damon, who is supposedly loaded, looks at a bill that like, and 2) Holy shit, Alaric.
Damon reminds him that his exes wouldn’t say anything about him because they’re dead, and Alaric mentions that Meredith’s ex is the medical examiner, who Damon knows is also dead. He was staked through the heart like a vampire.
Damon: If I were a cop, your sexy doctor lady friend would be a suspect.
That’s just fun to say.
Back at the SBH, Klaus is just chillin on one of our velvet couches sipping our fancy brandy (it’s okay, he’s allowed). Stefan asks him what he’s doing there, and Klaus says, “Enjoying our stalemate.” Klaus points out that he did what Stefan wanted, so now he wants to know what he has to do to get his family back. Stefan’s not into negotiating.
Instead, he wants Klaus to leave, give him a call in a few years and then they’ll talk. Klaus isn’t into that. He wants to strike another deal, and as Stefan is in the middle of explaining that if Klaus does one thing, he’ll drop—
when Klaus interrups him with a “Hahaha, yes.” And dear lord, you guys. You know that’s our Klaus weakness. “Crazy Stefan. How’s that working out for you? Any friends left?” Oh, burn!
Out on the open road Bonnie and Elena are making their way down to North Cakalacky in Bonnie’s Prius. Hold up. This girl don’t got no guardians, and she’s got money for a Prius? I call Shenanigans. Anyway, Bonnie is getting all sentimental about how she hasn’t seen her mom is so long. She just left. Never wrote, never called, not even when Grams died. Bonnie tries to change the subject to Elena and Damon and their kiss. Elena refuses to talk about it, but Bonnie just wants to know one thing: was it good?
Elena: Doesn’t matter.
Bonnie: That means it was.
Ha! Oh, god Bonnie just made me laugh. I don’t know what to do with myself!
Just then Bonnie’s phone rings. It’s Stefan. Bonnie was supposed to call him as soon as she got the address, but Elena tells her not to answer it because nobody should ruin this reunion 15 years in the making. But Stefan will just keep calling. So Elena decides to answer the phone for her. Elena tells him they’re spending the night at the lake house until they get more addresses from Sheriff Forbes. He explains that Klaus is getting antsy, but Elena brushes him off.
Problem is, Stefan’s at her house right now and of course they neglected to bring the information sheet on Abby Bennett Wilson so he sees it. Because of course.
Back in town, Klaus is on the phone with one of his hybrids, and they’re having a nice chat. Klaus misses them, and vaguely good looking blond hybrid says all he needs to do to get them back is say the word. Awww. But Klaus has other plans. He sends the hybrid out on his mission.
The hybrid goes up to the front door of a house and who should open the door but Abby Bennett Wilson! He smiles at her, and I don’t like the look of this.
Next thing we know, the girls are pulling up to the house (and the sun seems to be the right position in the sky for them to have driven there, so kudos to the continuity master on that one).
They ring the doorbell and a young man comes up the porch to greet them. He tells Bonnie she looks familiar, and Bonnie tells him Abby is her mom.
He… doesn’t really seem… too shocked by this. He invites them inside, offers them a refreshment (they take water. Good because coconut water is the devil).
He explains that he’s NOT her half-brother. His dad and her mom dated a while ago, but his dad was a deadbeat, and Abby took him in. Just then Abby comes in, and as soon as Bonnie says her own name, there is recognition in Abby’s eyes.
Just to be absolutely clear, Bonnie adds “your daughter.” I really like the painting of the goats in the background.
Back in Mystic Falls in the
Pit of Despair the Lockwood Cellar, they’re chaining Tyler up for his and Bill’s first session. Oh, god, that felt dirty too. Caroline asks how the process works. Bill, a.k.a. CarDaddy, explains that it’s basically all mental. Tyler feels like he owes Klaus for taking away his pain and suffering of having to turn every full moon.
So what Tyler has to do to overcome that is turn on his own. If he owns the pain, he owes Klaus nothing, and the sire bond goes away. Now that he’s a hybrid, he can turn at will. Tyler protests that IT HURTS IT HURTS when he turns, so he doesn’t want to, but Bill explains that he has to make himself do it to get his freedom. “How badly do you want it?” *giggles* Also, just me or is Bill keeping his hands on Tyler longer than really necessary.
Anyway, Tyler agrees to it and starts to turn. Well, that wasn’t so hard after all, was it, Ty?
Back in NC, Bonnie is looking around the kitchen of Abby’s house. Abby comes back in and they start chatting. Apparently she and Elena’s mom were best friends back in the day in MF.
Bonnie’s all, “you had a daughter and a best friend, and you still left?!” Abby explains that it was because of Miranda that she left. Ya see, 15 years ago, a vampire came to town looking for Elena – for the doppelganger. No one could manage to kill him, so Abby lured him out of town, and desiccated him in a tomb in Charlotte – MIKAEL! She says it took every ounce of power she had; in fact, it almost killed her. And she lost her powers forever.
Wait a sec. Can we go back and talk about how Mikael was in Mystic Falls 15 years ago looking for Elena? WTF is that about? And then just dropping it and going back to the whole Bonnie story line. No, I want to talk about this. Why 15 years ago? And why Mikael? What was he doing? Was he trying to head off Klaus? Would Klaus have killed a 3 year old? Probably. There is so much story here! Damn them for playing it off! UGH!
Anyway, so Bonnie’s all pissed because even with her powers gone, Abby didn’t come back. Why the fuck not? As much as it pains me to say this, but BonBon’s kind of got a point here, and her rage is not misplaced. Then she declares that coming here was a mistake because Abby can’t help with no powers, and starts to storm out, but Abby stops her.
Elena volunteers to go wait outside, so she decides to take it upon herself to hang out in the barn? Anyway, Stefan’s there all, “Hi, Elena. Nice lake house.”
Back in Mystic Falls, Damon’s come to the hospital and is saying hi to Meredith, who says his name like she doesn’t know exactly who he is. Pssh. What’s he doing here? Damon says he likes to wave to the newborns through the window. Cute. He apologizes for her ex-boyfriend, whose death certificate says “animal attack,” and it has her signature on it. She’s all, “what was I supposed to write? ‘Staked like a vampire’?”
He’s basically checking on her because Ric likes her and if she turns out to be a psychopath that would be bad for Alaric (also, psychopath doctors are not good either. Listening, Ric?). As he’s leaving, she sticks him in the neck with a syringe of vervain! PSYCHO! Also, a little proud of her. Never let your guard down, Damon. Tsk tsk.
While he’s passed out, she sneaks vial of his blood. Oh, shit, what is she doing? He starts to wake up, so she leaves him there.
Back down in the Pit of Despair, Tyler is busy breaking every bone in his body. He says he can’t do anymore, and Caroline tries to defend him when Bill insists he keeps going.
If she can’t handle it, she should leave. So she does.
And Bill picks up an axe and starts… fucking hacking at Tyler. Look, I hate Tyler, but that’s not cool Bill. If only because it’s fucking weird.
He’s all, “your being sired to Klaus is putting my daughter in danger, so either you turn now or I kill you.” Hard fucking core, eh? This is the best worst episode of Intervention ever.
Tyler continues, screaming and moaning, and, I’m getting uncomfortable.
Good, time to get back to NC! Abby compliments Bonnie again, and Bonnie tells her to “stop with the muffins and the compliments.” LOL.
She just wants to truth – why didn’t Abby come home? Abby explains that she didn’t have any power, so in the new city, she got to be Abby Wilson, the woman, not Abby Bennett, the witch. She starts going on about how Grams is way better at this stuff than she is, and Bonnie has to break the news to her that Grams is dead and relays how it happened.
So now that Bonnie knows her story, Abby wants to know what brings Bonnie down there.
Bonnie starts to tell her about her dream, about how she thought Abby was supposed to help them. Abby admits that she can’t do spells anymore, but the earth still provides herbs, so maybe there’s something she can do. Like make a salad? She doesn’t elaborate.
Bonnie doesn’t think she’ll help either, but Abby basically begs.
Outside, Stefan is all, “this is exactly why I didn’t want you in the loop!”
And Elena counters, “yeah, because now you can’t do anything you want.” To prove to her that he can, Stefan turns around and kicks a chair.
Jamie hears the commotion and comes looking. Elena tries to urge him back upstairs, but he refuses, so Stefan starts to try to compel him and Jamie leaves. Elena’s all, “I don’t think you realize how bad you’ve gotten!” I think he has, but whatever. But then Jamie comes back around the corner with a shotgun – someone compelled him before Stefan!
And as soon as Stefan can say this, Jamie shoots him. Where? Why, in the gut of course! Because that’s where everyone is always stabbed or shot on this show.
Inside, Bonnie and Abby hear the noise, and Bonnie runs to see what’s up.
A step behind her, Abby pours a powdered herb into her hand and then puts her hand around Bonnie’s air holes. Oh, shit x2!
Back in Alaric’s apartment, Ric is pumping some iron. I’m guessing so he looks extra good for his sexy lady doctor friend (hehe). He asks what Damon’s doing there. Damon, apparently, is looking for a bunny. At first I’m all, “This place isn’t on the list!” But then Damon looks in the pot sitting on Alaric’s stove. Fatal Attraction ref FTW! Damon tells Ric that he really does want to bulk up if he’s going to date psycho doc for self-defense purposes. He tells Alaric about how she vervained him and then “blood-jacked” him when he went to the hospital to accuse her of killing her ME ex-boyfriend.
There, he proved that she’s a psycho. Alaric doesn’t seem that satisfied.
Back in NC, Jamie is tying Elena to a post in the barn, and Elena sees Abby putting Bonnie into the back of her car. Stefan is still writhing in pain.
Over in the Lockwood cellar, so is Tyler. And Bill is watching. Ooh, kinky.
Suddenly TYLER MAD TYLER PULL CHAINS FROM WALL! He tells Bill to run, but Bill doesn’t make it out fast enough. RUH ROH!
Out on some deserted road, Abby’s gone to meet with the hybrid who met her before the girls got there. Bonnie didn’t tell her where the coffins were because Stefan showed up. And she’s not going to be able to get Bonnie to talk to her again. The hybrid suggests she try again.
Abby appeals to Bonnie. If Bonnie doesn’t tell her where the coffins are, Jamie, through compulsion from the hybrid, will kill himself. Bonnie swears she can’t – “this goes beyond you and me.” As Abby’s begging her, she types a message on her phone. “Warn your friends.” Hmm.
Back at the barn, Elena is trying to cut her restraints on a bolt in the post. Jamie threatens to shoot Stefan again if Elena keeps moving. Elena decides to try to logic her way out of this. He explains to her what the hybrid told him about killing himself if Bonnie doesn’t let slip the location of the coffins. He also says he has express orders to not hurt Elena, so she fakes it until he gets close enough –
then she breaks free and smacks him in the face with the butt of his own rifle! You go,
Glen Coco Elena!
Elena runs over to Stefan and proceeds to dig the wooden buck shot out of his chest with her bare hands. Girl, look at where you’re from. Look at what you’ve been through. Don’t you think it’s high time you started carrying around some rubber gloves for moments just like this?
Back at Witch house, Damon realizes the witches are hiding the coffins. It’s because Klaus is there!
Klaus thinks it’s pretty funny that Damon’s hiding behind his “witchy friends and in squalor no less.” The witches don’t think this is funny because they all get their candle boners on and MIND BULLET Klaus, who screams!
Damon: Insulting a bunch of dead witches, not smart.
Word. But Klaus seems to have a plan. He explains to Damon that the funny thing about witches, dead or alive, is that they care for their own.
Klaus: A hundred dead witches have a thousand living descendants.
And I have no problem killing every last one of them if I don’t get my coffins back. As we speak my hybrid friend is prepared to end the Bennett line.
Just me, or is Klaus screaming kind of hot? I mean, I need a fan, y’all.
And just like that, the candle boners are gone, and so is the pain. “Now, please. Show me the coffins.” And magically they appear.
Man, those witches are wusses. But there’s one problem. The fourth coffins is missing! Damon says he moved it. He didn’t have time to move them all, but he had time to move one. Klaus threatens to tear him limb from limb. “Only then when you are a writhing mass of blood and flesh, will I rip heart from your chest.”
But Damon isn’t falling for it like the dumb witches. He knows Klaus wanted his family, but obvs he wanted what was in that locked coffin even more.
Over at the hospital, Alaric has decided to pay Meredith a visit. She knows he spoke to Damon, who wasn’t supposed to wake up so soon. She gave him enough vervain to keep him out for hours, but Alaric explains how Damon was growing an immunity to
iocane powder vervain. Alaric wants to know what she’s up to, and she decides to show him – with the patient being wheeled in, Bill Forbes!
Back in NC, Elena rips the last piece out of Stefan’s chest. We’re just going to overlook the fact that he was practically screaming at her “get it out! Get it out!” Once she has done so, Stefan says how she’s changed. She’s stronger, tougher. And it’s a good thing.
And that obviously gets her in a truth-telling mood because she tells him about how she kissed Damon. And Stefan’s face falls. He doesn’t say anything. Nothing. Not a word. He doesn’t even look her in the face. He just gets up and walks away. Away from her.
Good because Rippah Stefan has been around for so long, my immunity to STEARS (which has always been tenuous at best) is definitely gone by now.
Back at the hospital, Meredith is explaining to Alaric that Bill is the victim of an “actual animal attack.” Alaric is all, “is he going to make it?”
And Meredith concedes that no, he’s not. Not on his own anyway. Then she pulls out a vial of Damon’s blood! Bad doctor! I’m calling the ethics board!
She injects Bill with it. She turns to Alaric and confesses her secret – she’s a doctor who hates when her patients die (um, isn’t that all doctors?), so she cheats. She has the ability to do something about it, so she does it.
Back in Monroe, Elena is determined to get a word out of Stefan. He apologizes for kidnapping her. The whole thing with the bridge was too far.
But she shouldn’t have lied to him about going off to NC – not with Klaus still around willing to bite the heads off anyone who gets in his way (this, of course, is speculation on my part, but let’s be real here). Elena says she just wanted Bonnie to have a moment with her mom without anything getting in the way, and Stefan is all, “without me getting in the way.” Well, duh.
They stare at each other all intensely for a second before Elena says that she didn’t mean to kiss him.
Stefan: You’re better than him, Elena. You’re better than both of us.
Out on the road, the hybrid is gone and Bonnie and Abby are safe. Jamie is safe too. Abby wonders for how long, and Bonnie explains that they kept up their end of the bargain, so Klaus usually does too. Bonnie is all bratty again, all, “you would do all of this for him and he’s not even your family.”
Abby explains that he IS her family – but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t still care about Bonnie. She still wants to help, but there’s still the pesky not having any powers thing. Abby thinks that the longer she stayed away from Bonnie the weaker her power got, and that maybe Bonnie can help her get it back. She doesn’t want her power back, but if it was what Bonnie wanted, she would do it for her. Aww, touching. Hey, where do you think I can get one of those goat paintings?
Back in Mystic Falls at the hospital, Tyler has come to visit Bill. Ty apologizes for flying off the handle like that, but Bill’s all, “ ‘scool.” Tyler says he feels a little bit more himself now after having transitioned by himself.
Bill’s all, “good, then we’ll continue tomorrow.” He explains that Tyler only turned once. In order to break the sire bond, turning needs to be painless, so Tyler has to keep practicing until he can turn without pain. Based on what he saw today, Bill’s all, “we’re a long way off.” He also says that until Tyler is of his own free will, Bill ain’t letting Tyler anywhere near Caroline. Now, that is the first sensible thing I’ve heard come out of that man’s mouth all series.
Over at la Casa de Gilbert, Alaric figures since Meredith showed him hers, he’ll show her his. He’s a semi-retired vampire hunter. He wants them to be completely honest with each other. She suggests he can start by explaining how he survived getting hit by that SUV, so he shows her his ring.
And she fucking tries to take it off! Meredith! What what what are you doing, you stupid bitch?! She’s all, “are you afraid I’m a supernatural being,” all flirtily and shit. “One can never be too careful.” Amen, Alaric.
Oh, and now he’s going to kiss her. I don’t trust her. I don’t trust her any further than I can throw her.
Just then Elena comes in and breaks it up. Good. Alaric apologizes for macking it in her house, in Jenna’s house, in Elena’s family’s house, but Elena is all “as soon as you slept on that couch it became your place too.” They needed him and he manned up.
Elena thanks him and basically tells him he’s allowed to move on because Jenna is gone. Sweet.
Over at the SBH, Stefan finds Damon in front of the fireplace. Damon tells him he only managed to get one coffin out of the house before Klaus got there, and he opted for the locked one, which Stefan agrees was a good idea. Damon also says that Bonnie’s mom can’t help because she doesn’t have any powers. Stefan isn’t surprised.
“It’s been that kind of night.” Then Damon has the goddamn GALL to ask if Elena is alright, so Stefan pops him one right in the face! BOOYAH!
Oh, come on, like he didn’t deserve that. Damon takes that as a hint that Stefan doesn’t want to talk about it, so he proposes they talk about…
THE DAGGER THAT HE’S HOLDING WHAT DAGGER IS IT OMG DAMON WHERE DID YOU GET THAT WHAT IS IT OMG OMG OMG. Stefan is all, “What did you do?”
And Damon is just running his fingers up and down the blade of that thing and STOP TRYING TO DISTRACT ME DAMON WHAT DID YOU DO?!
Over at Klaus’ mansion, his hybrid is wheeling the last of the coffins into the room. Wait. I have a quick question. Wasn’t Klaus, like, JUST renovating this place? Hybrids work fucking FAST! They are really missing out on a money-making opportunity by not opening their own renovations business. Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes. The hybrid asks if Klaus is going to wake up his family, but Klaus says he has one last piece of unfinished business.
Then suddenly the hybrid looks like he’s about to do his own business right there on the rug, but then he falls. And… Elijah is standing right behind him with his heart in his hand.
I’m not sure you heard me, readers. Elijah.
Is standing. RIGHT THE FUCK BEHIND THE HYBRID.
WITH HIS HEART IN HIS HAND. ELIJAH. MOTHERFUCKING ELIJAH. ELIJAH. ELIJAH. DEAR SWEET LORD BABY JESUS ELIJAH IS BACK! ELIJAH YOU GUYS!
And Klaus. Is. Terrified.
Okay, shut up, he’s going to speak.
Elijah: So, Niklaus.
Elijah: What’d I miss?
MY HEART! MY HEART! OH THE HUMANITY!
(All screencaps courtesy of hotn-caps.com)