Previously on The Vampire Diaries: Klaus made a bunch of hybrid babies and brought them back to Mystic Falls. The gang tried to use Mikael to kill Klaus, but ol’ Mickey ended up toast. Literally. Klaus stabbed him with the only original-killing stake in existence and he went up in flames. The dilemma here is that Damon was going to use that to kill Klaus, but Stefan stopped him… to save him? Katherine was used for an Elena-switcheroo again. Tyler’s a hybrid now, and Bonnie continues to be useless. Oh, and in the aftermath Stefan stole all of KIaus’ family coffins. #PULLTHEDAGGEROUT, STEFAN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Bonnie’s having a dream, and are they really opening an episode with her?
Witch Mountain the old witch house and the dead witches are still around, and she’s just walking around like she owns the fucking place.
She goes to the basement and finds coffins, you know, like one does.
This is shaping up to be the weirdest episode of Hoarders ever next to the one about the old lady who hoarded used diapers. She (Bonnie, not the diaper-hoarding old lady) opens one of them (coffins, not a used diaper) and inside is… KLAUS!
And he’s got the Mama Original’s necklace in his hand! And, natch, as Bonnie reaches for it, she wakes up! With what? With a gasp.
Because that’s how they always wake up on this show. *rolls eyes*
Over at the Mystic Grill, she tells Elena about how every time she closes her eyes, she has the same nightmare about the coffins. Elena suggests that maybe it’s not just some dream, but Bonnie brushes it off as just stress. BITCH, look at your life; look at your choices! Just stress? Oh, Bonnie. Don’t make me LOL.
Bonnie switches topics by asking if there’s been any sign of Stefan, but Elena says no. The Stefan they know is gone. And to fill us in on whatever time is supposed to have passed since the hiatus (which for all we know was yesterday, given the immediacy of their gorram travel), Bonnie asks how Damon is handling everything, because he’s such a delicate flower.
Elena responds that “Damon is Damon.”
Which means that he’s getting his drink on.
We find him at the bar with Alaric (natch) listing out all the drinks he’s got in front of him.
Damon: Alright, you have your choice: Bloody Mary, Screwdriver… brunch in a bottle.
False, Damon. Everybody knows mimosas are for brunch. Duh. Screwdrivers are for breakfast.
He tries to get Alaric to help him because “I can’t drink all this myself.” First of all, lies. Second… oh, he wasn’t done yet. “I mean, I can. But somebody’s getting naked.” And he makes eyes at the bartender.
LOL, like he wasn’t referring to himself. Please.
Alaric says that he can’t play with Damon today (even though it’s, as Damon puts it, “the eve of Klausaggedon”) because he’s waiting there for Jeremy, who is an hour late for his shift. Don’t you guys, like, I don’t know… live in the same house? Alaric is miffed because Jeremy got an F on his midterm paper.
Maybe you forgot to tell him that Johnathan Gilbert’s journals are no longer the required text. Didja ever think of that, Ric? Apparently Jeremy copied his entire paper off the internet and didn’t even try to hide it. The bartender tells us that Jeremy was actually fired last week. Way to go, Jer. Damon is all, “Oops,” and it makes me chuckle. That’ll do pig. That’ll do.
Speaking of Jer, he’s out in the woods with Tyler playing with his crossbow. There has got to be an innuendo there, but I’m not going down that road. It’s beneath me.
Tyler: Nice shot!
Jeremy asks what the point of this is, and Tyler explains it’s because he’s mad at Caroline, and Bonnie dumped Jer’s ass. The point is to get drunk and shoot stuff.
Sounds like a solid plan, Ty. After Jeremy says that Alaric will use the crossbow on Jeremy if he finds out he took it, they make small talk over music that is ever so gentle about how Alaric is kind of their guardian now, and yeah, Jeremy likes him. He takes aim at another beer can, but Tyler and his Robert De Niro face are in the way.
He reminds Jeremy that he’s a hybrid now. The only way to kill him is to cut off his head and rip out his heart, which would be hard to do with a crossbow. And then he basically triple-dog dares Jeremy to shoot him, which I’m glad to see Jeremy obliges.
AND he aims right for the jugular. Good boy, Jeremy.
BUT Tyler catches the arrow because this show can’t ever do one thing I’d like it to do.
Back at the Grill, Elena is leaving Jeremy a very emphatic voicemail, and Damon is basically all, “relax.”
Jeremy’s losing his job at the Grill isn’t so bad. If this didn’t seem to be the only business in town, I might agree. She laments how he’s been on a downward spiral since Bonnie dumped him, and Damon points out that he’s just being an emo teenager. Yeah, one who sees ghosts and lost everyone who ever cared about him, blah blah blah.
Speaking of emo, Damon practically huffs over to the dart board, and Elena asks if he’s okay.
Damon’s all, “what makes you think I’m not okay?” Elena answers that he’s Day-Glo. Just kidding, but seriously, has Damon been vacationing in Cancun?
Elena actually says, “you’re a day drunk,” which she insists isn’t his most attractive look. He asks what is, and again, I say, NOT THIS CURRENT ONE. Elena mumbles about how she never said he had one, but this is her least favorite, and blah blah blah he’s all, “well I’ll see how I can improve,” blah snore, and really? These two.
Oh, thank god, Klaus is here!
HEL-LO Klaus in a v-neck shirt and open black jacket! He innocently says he just came down to his local pub for a drink.
Oh, and he brought a friend –
Tony, the creepy dude following Elena this morning! Well, played Hybrid Master. Damon is surprised Klaus would stay for Happy Hour (which is basically every hour in this town), but Klaus’ eyes suddenly get menacing.
Joseph Morgan, I love you.
Klaus: My sister seems to be missing. Need to sort that out.
Damon: Cute, blonde bombshell? Psycho? Shouldn’t be too hard to find.
Klaus says the truth is that he’s actually grown quite fond of this little town and he might “fancy a home here.” I could listen to Klaus talk all day. This isn’t really a problem for them, as he promises that he’d leave them alone and let them live in peace. But he wants to know where Stefan is. They say they don’t know where he is because he skipped town right after he saved Klaus from their final death plan.
Klaus: Well, you see that is a shame. Your brother stole from me. I need him found so I can take back what’s mine.
Elena: That sounds like a Klaus and Stefan problem.
Klaus: Heh. Well, this is me broadening the scope, sweetheart.
Aaaaand chills. Goddamn I love Klaus so much.
Bonnie’s back in the woods at the old ass house again. It plays out exactly as it did in the beginning. She finds the basement… only there are no coffins!
But Stefan’s there!
Stefan: Hello, Bonnie.
We establish that he creepily followed her here, but it wasn’t that hard. He needs her help. She’s hesitant because
she’s a giant bitchface he helped save Klaus.
Stefan explains that Klaus kept his family with him at all times, daggered, in coffins, which Stefan now has. He needs Bonnie to help keep them hidden. His family is Klaus’ one weakness, so if Stefan keeps them hidden, the ball is in his court. Bonnie doesn’t think she has enough magic, but she’s a witch who hates Klaus, so Stefan assures her he’ll figure something out. Well, that didn’t sound ominous at all.
Back at la Casa de Gilbert, Alaric is teaching Elena how to chop veggies with a butcher knife (the same one she stabbed herself with? Possible). They’re chatting away about Jeremy, her rebellious teenage brother, so of course he picks this moment to waltz in.
He says he’s just passing through, but Alaric says he was hoping they could all have dinner like a typical, atypical family. Jer is all, “why?” and Elena is all,
“Since you lost your job, punk!” Maybe she didn’t say “punk,” but he knows he’s busted. Jeremy says he has plans with Tyler, and Elena and Alaric’s expressions make me feel like I’m getting ready to watch an After School Special.
Elena reminds him that Tyler was sired by Klaus and thereby dangerous, and she forbids him to go. I half-expect him to go, “YOU’RE NOT MY REAL SISTER!” and storm out, but instead, he’s all pass-agg about it and invites Tyler in.
Oh, boy. Big mistake.
Over at the SBH, Klaus has joined Damon in the library for a drink – they’re overdue, they figure. What with Damon planning his “epic failures” and whatnot. And by “his,” we’re pretty sure he means “Elena’s,” but same diff, really, amiright?
Klaus tries to make a dig at Damon about Stefan lying to him, but Damon’s quick to remember that he was there when Rebekah lied to Klaus. “She’s fickle, that one.” Somehow, Damon manages to convincingly lie right to his face about not knowing where Rebekah is.
Oh, this might come back to bite you, Damon.
Back at la Casa de Gilbert, it’s Elena’s turn to be all pass-agg about Klaus hunting her with hybrids and here Tyler is sitting in her kitchen.
Tyler, for his part, explains the difference between being sired and being compelled. Compulsion is like hypnosis. Being sired is like having faith – you do things because you feel they’re the right thing to do. Oooh, can hybrids be covered by the First Amendment, then? He explains that he’s not serving Klaus. Klaus freed him from a curse, and he’s just paying him back.
To confirm my suspicion that I’ve just walked into an After School Special, Alaric asks, “What if he asked you to, uh, jump off a bridge?” Tyler maintains that K-daddy would never do that, and even if he did, Tyler would survive because he’s a
teenage boy hybrid. But what if he asked Tyler to rip out his own heart? Huh? WHAT NOW, BROWN COW?! But Tyler says he would rip out his own heart, then. AND HE SEES NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS.
Even Jeremy is staring at him like, “WTF is wrong with you?” This siring shit is scary business, y’all.
Back at the SBH, Klaus and Damon share a drink. Klaus tells Damon that Stefan stole his entire family, and Damon’s all, “buzzkill.” Heh. Damon is all, “I wish I could help, but you’re not the boss of me!” Klaus replies that his drink stinks of vervain (HOLD UP. He can smell that, but he couldn’t smell Elena when she was less than two feet away from him back in Stefan’s old apartment in Chicago??), so he can’t compel him, so he’ll have to show him through an act of violence.
Then he makes a very cryptic phone call to someone who has a task and he should “get on with it.” Damon is skeptical.
Back at la Casa de Gilbert, Jeremy is just getting off the phone and OMG. Tyler excuses himself. Something very strange is going on here. Alaric and Elena get up to rah-rah-rah like the big important adults that they are, and they completely miss Jeremy sneaking out. Without his ring.
Most. Unobservant. Family. Ever. (Second place: Sheriff Mom).
They spot him outside standing right in the path of a speeding SUV.
Alaric gets there just in time to push Jer out of the way… and get hit by the SUV himself.
ALARIC NO! Ah, he’s got his ring. That’ll work. Right? The SUV pulls up and the driver is the hybrid dude from earlier! He drives away and Elena explains to Jeremy that he must have been compelled. They get Alaric inside.
Elsewhere, Klaus is doing some remodeling… for his home in town, I’m guessing. Tyler comes in and Klaus tells him about his little plan to hurt the Gilbert family so that they do what he wants – find Stefan.
Humans, you see, are just a means to Klaus’ end. They’re means to every supernatural’s ends.
Damon arrives at la Casa de Gilbert, and Elena lets him know that Klaus’ hybrid hit Alaric. Those damn pesky electric cars. They can sneak right up on a person. Damon notices Jeremy’s vervain bracelet is missing, and Elena is all, “that’s why he was hanging out with you. To get you off the vervain.”
Well at least it wasn’t to get into his pants. Damon tells them about Klaus’ family that Stefan has coffin-napped.
Jeremy suggests that they just all run because with Klaus after them, they’ve all pretty much reached their life expectancies anyway. Elena suggests offering up Rebekah, but Damon nixes that. But then Elena remembers something about four coffins…
She calls up Bonnie all, “Bitch it’s like yo dream!”
and Bonnie tells her to steer clear. Too late. She tells them about Stefan and the coffins, and they go pay him a visit.
But when they get inside, the witches are still grudgy toward Damon and make his day-ring not work, so the sunlight inside burns him. But Elena refuses to leave until they find Stefan. Which she does. AND he doesn’t want to hear it.
He even tells her to shut up, and I have a chuckle. She tells him about how Klaus tried to kill Jeremy, but he’s all, “not my problem.” So, she slaps him.
“YOU GO TO HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!”
Damon fights the pain and runs back in the house to reason with Stefan. He makes it to the basement, and Stefan is all,
“Wow. That was impressive. But the coffins aren’t here.” Damon says this isn’t about the coffins. Damon vamp-speeds Stefan outside where he grabs a branch and stabs him in the gut with it! HOLY!
He wants to know why Stefan stopped Damon from killing Klaus, and then he goes and steals Klaus’ family, all, “it doesn’t make sense!”
Stefan: Piece by piece, Klaus took everything from me. I’m doing the same to him.
He tells Damon that he screwed up his Klaus-killing plan to save Damon.
And Damon, because deep down, he is a petulant child, is all, “What? NO. NO WAY.” Stefan explains it was the only way, but of course, Damon is like, “Stop saving me!” UGH. Boys.
Out in the woods, Jeremy approaches Tyler from behind… with the crossbow.
He’s all, “You stab my back, I stab yours.” Heh. Tyler, for no reason, smashes the bottle of booze he was drinking on a log and tells Jeremy he didn’t stab his back. He got him off the vervain because Klaus asked him to, but he didn’t know Klaus was going to try to kill him. Jeremy raises a good point when he says that every time Klaus wants something, someone ends up dead. Well, I hope to never meet Klaus while Black Friday shopping. Jeremy tells Tyler to remember that next time blah blah blah.
Tyler warns him to go home and stay inside. Yeah, okay. Because something so insignificant as a door has really ever stopped Klaus.
Back at said home, Alaric is waking up from death… but something is wrong.
He’s coughing up blood.
The paramedics arrive immediately (without the aid of a commercial break, so it seems oddly instantaneous), but Tony shows up and suggests that the paramedics just go ahead and meet them at the hospital, leaving Alaric there.
As he’s trying to get Elena to invite him in, Jeremy shows up and shoots him right in the back with his crossbow! Because Jeremy was paying attention in his Hybrid lessons today, he knows Tony isn’t dead, so he goes to get the meat cleaver Alaric was gingerly chopping veggies with and CHOPS OFF THE HYBRID’S HEAD.
WHY THE FUCK DO THEY HAVE THAT IN THEIR HOUSE?!
Jeremy: Now he’s dead.
Back at Witch House, Damon is still wondering why Stefan would bother to save him. He won’t leave until Stefan tells him why he saved him.
Fine, then Damon wants to know why Stefan stole Klaus’ coffins. Stefan explains it’s because family is Klaus’ one weakness. But why? The only way to kill him was already used up. But Stefan doesn’t believe that. According to his logic, there has to be another way to kill him. Well, if so, Damon wants in.
Damon: You go after Klaus, you’re going to have to be cutthroat and devious. I’m so much better at that than you.
I dunno. I think Stefan can hold his own there. But Damon’s all, “if you’re going to keep saving my life, at least make it for good reason.”
Stefan agrees, but says Damon has to make sure Elena stays out of it. Ooh, goody. Maybe a plan that will actually work then. Wait, what am I saying? Klaus!
Now because Damon and Stefan are on the same team, Damon’s allowed to go into the house unscathed and Stefan shows him the coffins.
He explains the spell that’ll conceal the coffins from Klaus, even if he should be able to get into the house.
Over at the hospital, Alaric wants to leave, but of course, of course, of course, a pretty doctor comes up to him, flirting slash giving him medical advice.
Her name is Doctor Fell. Oh, pity. That family must be so disappointed that she didn’t go into the family business of broadcasting. Then she goes and says that patients who follow her advice can call her Meredith BECAUSE OF FUCKING COURSE. Finally! Finally there is a Meredith! Please, please, please let her be as awesome as she needs to be to take on that name.
Before he leaves, she’s like, “What is your secret? Guardian angel, or did you sell your soul to the devil?” Worst pickup line ever.
He answers, “A little bit of both.” Fer sher.
Back at the SBH, Elena has invited Klaus over. She tells him that she couldn’t find Stefan, but she has something else… Rebekah.
In exchange for Rebekah, Elena wants Klaus to lay off Jeremy, and he agrees. She warns him that she daggered Rebekah, so he’s going to have a very angry vamp on his hands, but he assures her he can control his sister. Plus, he needs Elena’s help to find Stefan. She says again that she doesn’t know where he is, but he doesn’t buy it. Jeremy isn’t the only bargaining chip he has.
Klaus: It’s only a matter of time before Stefan gives me what I want.
Elena says that Stefan couldn’t give a rats ass about her, thanks to Klaus. Oh, and bee-tee-dubs, Elena isn’t the only one Rebekah wants dead; Beks KNOWS Klaus killed their mother. So there!
Outside the hospital, Jeremy and Alaric are talking about how his Get Out of Death Free ring may or may not be broken. Alaric does say he’s alive thanks to Damon’s blood, and WHAT?! We didn’t get to see the scene where Damon feeds Alaric his blood?? But forget about him. He wants to know how Jeremy is coping, which provided that he decapitated a hybrid with a standard kitchen cleaver, I’d say he’s doing alright. Alaric tells Jer that he can talk to him, and Jer is all, “what can you tell me that I don’t already know?” which is also valid. But, they’re still on good terms, I guess.
Back at la Casa de Gilbert, Damon’s gotten rid of the body. Which, hold on. Did they leave that shit on the porch when they went to the hospital? This whole TOWN wins the award for most unobservant. Damon asks how Elena is, and she’s as good as can be expected after having to clean all that blood up off the porch.
Elena wipes a stranger’s blood in her eye (seriously, they don’t have rubbers gloves or something?) and tells Damon that she gave Rebekah to Klaus, but it’s okay, he won’t let her kill Elena! Yays! Damon is miffed, but Elena is just… distressed. She doesn’t really trust anyone. It’s not like Stefan is just going to hand over the coffins. Damon agrees that Stefan is kind of “running his own show” right now, and Elena says that her brother chopped someone’s head off.
“It’s not right. It’s not fair.”
I was going to make a dig about how out all the fuckedup shit they’ve had to endure, THIS is what sends her over the edge? But you know what? That IS pretty far up on the fuckedupness scale.
Damon promises her it’ll be okay, and the look Damon gives her is intensity in ten cities.
Back in Klaus’ house, Rebekah is laid out on a workman’s table. He’s talking to her, about how he thought she’d be there with him, and that’s all ruined. He gets this kind of panicked looked when her fingers twitch, and he apologizes to her, and says they’ll be together again one day. And then he fucking daggers her again!
But not without delicately balancing a tear on his eyelashes for emotional effect. And it works. *wibble*
Back at la Casa de Gilbert, it’s time for another “talk.” Elena thinks that Jeremy’s outburst about leaving this place was pretty good, but just for Jeremy.
Damon takes advantage of Jeremy’s lack of vervain, and compels him to go to Denver (he’ll be there in an hour by car). Jeremy is going to leave Mystic Falls behind, and never think about it again. He’ll have a better life.
The music swells, Elena cries.
Back at the coffins, Bonnie and Stefan go to the one on the altar that Bonnie opens in her dreams. But she can’t open it. Stefan has tried everything. Bonnie thinks it’s closed with a spell, but thinks that whatever is inside of it is their answer.
Back at the Gilbert’s, Elena’s feeling really guilty about having Damon compel Jeremy, but Damon is like “it’s cool.” At least Jeremy’s not dead, he points out. Elena thanks him for everything. “I don’t know what I would do you weren’t here.” And there’s a MOMENT.
Damon tells her that Stefan saved Klaus to save Damon, and then he stole the coffins. Elena’s all, “WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!” And now the truth about why Damon is so upset comes out: if Stefan hadn’t been such a saint, he wouldn’t feel guilty for wanting what he wants (i.e., her). He’s about to walk away, but decides, fuck it. And he goes back and KISSES Elena.
And it’s not super passionate, which surprises me, but it was simple, and kind of perfect now that I think about it. As perfect as it could be, I suppose. He says goodnight and leaves. Cue Elena’s pensive look.
DUN DUN DUN! Or something…
(All screencaps courtesy of hotn-caps.com)