Previously on The Vampire Diaries: SO MANY THINGS. Caroline’s a vamp, Tyler’s a werewolf. There’s this awesome scary vamp named Elijah, who turns out not to be that scary, but is still motherfucking scary (but he’s currently staked in a coffin somewhere – but NOT dead because he CAN’T die, but someone better #pullthedaggerout before I choke a bitch). And then there’s his UBER creepy brother, Klaus who is like WAY scarier because he has the added bonus of being INSANE. Then Damon almost died because Tyler bit him? But not really because he was just going to be turned into a fucking WEREPIRE – which is what Klaus is because of some totally uncool infidelity back in the day! But Klaus’ vamp blood cured Damon. BUT in return for getting Klaus to give up some of his magic blood, Stefan is being forced to relive his RIPPAH days, which is both hawt AND frightening – the whole humanity switch thing. Jer died and came back, Bonnie became friends with a warlock and became an even bigger bitch, Matty is the Mystic Grill’s indentured servant, Jenna’s dead, John’s dead, Isobel’s dead. Just… watch Season 2 if you have questions. ON WITH THE SEASON 3 PREMIERE!
Y’all, they showed Elijah in the previouslies. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
So, apparently we’re in Tennessee.
And, oh yay a horror film opening. Never seen one of these before. Some chick comes out of her house looking for her dog (and I immediately think of BookBonnie looking for her dog and inadvertently inviting Damon in). But it’s not Damon who shows up. IT’S MOTHERFUCKING KLAUS! With an American accent. He wants to use her phone.
Klaus: I promise I’m not a serial killer.
But she’s apparently seen a horror movie or two (seriously, Mystic Falls residents, take notes) because she doesn’t want to let him in. She’ll bring him the phone. Klaus is all “I thought you country folk were trusting.” And she’s like “I’m from Florida.” Klaus responds “Well, that explains it,” and I don’t know why I found that so funny, but I laughed out loud. OH SHIT! CHOKEHOLD!
He compels her and she lets him in, where there’s another chick in the kitchen.
He’s looking for someone named Ray Sutton, who is a werewolf. He’ll make them tell. The second chick runs to the front door, but her exit is blocked by Stefan standing out on the porch outside the screen door.
She tells them that Ray is at some bar called Southern Comfort or something. Klaus gets Girl #1 to let Stefan in, and then Klaus orders him to kill both of the girls while he goes and waits in the car.
Klaus just casually fucking walks away as the screams echo in the air.
Over at la Casa de Gilbert, it’s morning. Elena throws open her curtains
and in a weird cut so that I thought they slept in the same bed there for a second,
she’s doing the same in Jer’s room. He’s late for work at the Mystic Grill. Hey, maybe Matt will fire him – wait, Matty has firing capabilities? Does that mean that he got a promotion? YAY!
Now Elena is on the phone with Caroline, who is planning a party, natch. It’s for Elena. Judging from the title of the episode, it’s her birthday.
Caroline also tells her that Sheriff Mom wants Elena to call her – there was an attack in Memphis. It could be Klaus, but they don’t know. Caroline tells her to call Sheriff Mom on her cell, and Elena is all “tell her thank you for her help.” Bitch, aren’t you going to call her? Why don’t YOU thank her?
And there’s Tyler, and my mood is shot.
Alaric is at la Casa de Gilbert, asking Elena if her phone call was news about Stefan. Apparently he’s still sleeping on the couch, but he’s none too keen on sleeping in the rooms of dead people, so he’s happy there.
He wishes Elena a happy birthday. TOLD YOU.
Over at the SBH, Damon is taking a morning bubble bath.
Damon: We’re out of champagne.
Andie: No, you’re out of champagne. I don’t drink in the morning.
Andie tells him to get the new bottle himself, so he gets out of the tub and
DRIPS WATER AND SUDS ALL OVER OUR FLOOR. DAMMIT, DAMON!
Elena comes into the SBH just in time for him to sneak up on her naked as the day he was born (and on most other days because HE’S DAMON).
Judging by her reaction, that water must still have been warm. He makes a comment about how she should knock because he might have been indecent, and covers himself with a blanket she tosses him. She tells him about the new info from Sheriff Mom. He says it’s probably a dead end, or maybe it’s the clue that after 2 months tells them Stefan is living in Graceland. Elena’s all “fine, I’ll go myself.” Damon nixes this because Klaus still thinks she’s dead. He’ll do it.
And welcome to Damon’s Secret
Garden Closet where he’s been meticulously tracking Stefan. Andie says something about how a Florida victim Damon had her track had family in Tennessee. Hmm, I bet that’s Girl #1. She says she’ll see if she can get an address.
Over at the Mystic Grill, Jeremy is stocking napkins and talking to a shelf of glasses.
Oh, wait, that’s Bonnie on this season’s product placement (just wait).
She’s at her dad’s house or something (wait – who does she live with in MF now that Grams is dead? I thought her mother was… gone? I don’t remember because I don’t care). That side of the family is apparently boring, like wet paint that never dries. First of all, isn’t that the side that yields witches? Also, now you know how we feel when you’re on screen. OOOOHHHHHHH.
Suddenly the lights flicker, and Jer sees Vicki!
He sits down and – there’s Anna!
She almost touches him when Matt storms in demanding Jer trade sections with him – Tyler and Caroline just came in and he doesn’t want to wait on them.
Hey, since when does the Mystic Grill have outdoor seating?! Awesome! Jer comes out to take Ty and Car’s order. Caroline tells him that she knows Matt made him trade sections because he thinks she and Tyler are dating and blah blah blah so does Tyler’s mom. Guys, Jer’s waiting. But they’re too busy making flirty eyes with each other,
and I’ve lost my appetite. The tension. I can’t.
Now we’re over at Southern Comfort, the bar that Ray frequents. And, oh hey, look it’s Ray!
Wearing the requisite Werewolf Plaid, I see. He sits at the bar.
Ray: Can I get a beer?
No, Simon Camden, you cannot! You are only 11 years old. And where did you get that beard?! Just wait until I tell your father. He is going to look at you soooo disappointedly and judgmentally, and Ruthie is going to be just so goddamn smug about it all, you’ll just want to smack her right in the face. But don’t, because this is TVD, and we don’t need a “very special episode.”
The bartender goes off to presumably get him that beer when KLAUS sits down next to him.
He tells him that they’ve tracked him all the way from Pensacola (a-ha!). Ray tries to leave, but Klaus stops him, all “your kind is very hard to come by.” He tells him that Stefan compelled everyone in the bar, so he won’t find any help there. He then tells Ray that he wants “to create more of me” – part vamp/part wolf. He wants Ray to lead them to his pack.
Stefan gets all mobster and suggests a game of “Truth or Wolfsbane.” Oh, fun!
Just a little bit away, Damon and Alaric have made the drive all the way to Horror House in Memphis. That morning. I’m assuming MF is really close to the border because, Jesus, that is some FAST driving. Anyway, they can’t tell Elena that they came because it’s only a half-lead, and I guess they don’t want to get her hopes up. They go in the house and my that’s a lot of blood smeared on the walls.
And the chicks are sitting on the couch.
Damon’s all “yep, this is Stefan. It has his signature.” There’s a reason he’s called “The Ripper” – he feeds and blacks out, rips victims apart, but then feels remorse after, so he puts them back together. Sure though, Damon toes one girl’s leg, jarring her a bit, and her head just rolls right to the floor.
Damn. I wonder if the FBI knows about this. God, adults in this world are SO useless.
Back at the SBH, Elena is bitching to Caroline about how Damon always hides his leads from them. Tyler is there too, helping. Hold up.
Where did they get all that beer? Jesus, even the gang at Paddy’s Pub has a sign that says they card their patrons. Anywhozit… Elena reassures them that Damon wants to find Stefan. Tyler points out that she kissed him and it probably screwed with his head. Valid point. You look at Damon the wrong way and he takes it as a sexual invitation. Elena admits it was a goodbye kiss because he was dying.
She leaves. Caroline yells at Tyler that just because she tells him things, doesn’t mean he’s allowed to know. Heh. Tyler says he’s leaving to get cleaned up and
get a flea bath get Sophie, his date. Car’s all “Slutty Sophie?”
Ty admits it’s been slow in the girl department lately, and plus he’s horny all the time now.
What since you became a TEENAGE BOY? Caroline is all “tell me about it. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode.” It’s a supernatural thing, apparently. And they stare at each other so intensely, I’m scared one of them is going to spontaneously combust right now. *rolls eyes*
Back in Tennessee, Damon is pouring gasoline on everything, covering Stefan’s tracks. They notice a trap door and when they open it, they discover a bondage room, I mean, a room with chains for werewolves to chain themselves.
Cool, I guess. Then they light the fire.
Over at the SoCo Lounge, speaking of weres, Stefan is playing darts and Ray is the board.
Maybe I’m callous, but the dart sticking out of Ray’s head made me laugh.
Oh, snap – they’re dipped in wolfsbane. Stefan says this can stop if Ray tells him where the rest of the pack is. It doesn’t stop until Klaus has the info. Until then, Stefan, who is Klaus’ bitch, will continue this game. Speaking of bitches, Stefan sees a woman go up to Klaus and his face is all “I KNOW you’re not touching my mannequin!”
Aww, Rolling in the Deep jealousy, eh?
Or maybe he’s just listening. Apparently her friends spotted Damon tracking them. Klaus thanks her, and Stefan asks “my brother’s still on our trail?”
Klaus clarifies that they’re getting closer, and he’s going to have to fix that. Stefan tells him to let him handle it, but Klaus is all “why should I let you leave?”
Stefan says because he’s in his service. Rawr. Actually because he owes him the debt of saving his brother.
Klaus: Don’t sound so tediously indentured.
Heh. He asks if Stefan isn’t having the teensiest bit of fun.
Man, I am! Stefan says again that he’ll make sure Damon doesn’t bother them anymore.
Back at the SBH, Elena’s wearing her best party nightgown.
Oh, and Damon’s back. (Already?!) They’re in Stefan’s room. Damon gives her a birthday present –
it’s her necklace; she never thought she’d see it again. She says that she’s happy to get it back. She thanks him and his “you’re welcome” is SO loaded. And did he just sniff her when he helped her put it on?
Pssh. Elijah does it better.
When they come downstairs, the party is in full swing. Is this another mandatory town event? Because, like, EVERYONE is there.
Damon spots a girl trying to make off with a bottle.
Damon: You don’t want that. You want the cheap, young stuff over by the cheap, young people.
HA! That’s right. Bitch, that’s our GOOD bourbon! Hands off.
Elena is displeased with how many people are there, but because Caroline smiles at her, she accepts it.
Because it’s Caroline.
Over at the corner reserved for brooding, Matt comes over to the couch where Jer’s sitting, rolling a doobie or a fattie or whatever the kids are calling it these days.
Matty takes a hit (!!) and asks what’s driving Jer to drugs again. Can’t be worse than his reasons. Aww, Matty. Jer says Matt doesn’t want to know. Matt says he already knows the other weird stuff, so lay it on him, but Jer’s all “Right, so, I was dead, now I’m not, but I can see things.”
On second thought, nevermind.
Just then, Caroline and Elena come in. “Stoner den. Buzzkill.” Actually, Caroline… nevermind.
Matt comes up to them and kisses Elena on the cheek, wishes her a happy birthday, but ignores Caroline and leaves.
Caroline: He hates me. His hate for me has driven him to drugs.
Elena: He doesn’t hate you. He hates that he’s not with you.
Then Elena spots Jeremy. Uh-oh! Time for a stern talking-to!
Outside, Alaric is lamenting to Damon how he’s a parent’s worst nightmare – a teacher chaperone from hell.
Elena comes over, and to prove the point, takes Damon’s glass right in front of him and swigs down some bourbon. She tells them Jer is smoking pot again.
She asks Alaric to go talk to him because Jeremy looks up to him. Damon’s all “you’re screwed.”
Over at WPKW 9, Andie is trying to leave work to get to the party.
Conveniently, she’s the last one there. She’s walking out when suddenly the spotlight turns on right at her.
Then turns off.
She calls into the darkness, “Hello?” and starts running to the exit and trips. SERIOUSLY, Mystic Falls residents. Horror movies. Rent some. The spotlight comes on again, and a there’s a person silhouetted in front of it, splitting the beam.
Andie runs again, and suddenly Stefan is right in front of her.
She gives him a whole “we’ve been looking for you” spiel. But he doesn’t answer. He looks at her all intently, and gets the Crazy Vamp Eyes.
Back at the SBH party, Caroline is drinking and watching Tyler nuzzle the hoochie. Matt comes up, and asks about them.
Caroline: I thought you were ignoring me.
Matt: I’m not ignoring you.
Caroline: Well, you’ve only said five words to me all summer, and those were four of them.
Matt says he doesn’t talk to her because Tyler is constantly
yapping at her heels with her. Aren’t they supposed to be mortal enemies, what with being a vamp and a werewolf? YES, MATT, YES THEY ARE. *eyes Caroline*
After Matt walks away, Tyler and Sophie come up to her. Sophie’s all “great party!”
Car thanks her, then compels her. “Now leave it.” Heh. And she does.
Tyler is all “what the hell?” but Caroline walks away.
Outside, Damon says that Andie called him to come pick her up.
Alaric: Your fake, compelled girlfriend wants you to be a chivalrous boyfiend?
Damon leaves Alaric to hold down the fort full of his drunk history students. Damon advises him to drink more. Yeah, that’s sage advice.
Inside, Elena goes into Damon’s room hoping to find him.
Instead she finds Caroline sneaking some blood between mingling. Caroline says Damon needs to be here because Elena needs to blow out the candles on her cake. Elena’s all “is that what you want me to do? Move on with my life?” Car is like, “maybe?”
But Elena says she won’t give up the search for Stefan. Or maybe they want you to be less mopey, girl. Sheesh. I’m so glad we got the time jump; I’m not sure I’d be able to put up with moping, woe-is-me Elena for very long.
Caroline says that she’s letting her life pass her by. Then Elena brings the mood down even more by saying that her birthday wish is just to know that Stefan is alive. Aww.
Then Elena finds Damon’s closet. She thinks he’s tracking Klaus without her knowing.
Over at the news station, Elena calls Damon.
She wants to confront him about his closet at this very moment, but he hastily hangs up on her. It’s eerily quiet in this studio.
Damon notices a leather purse on the floor; somehow he knows it’s Stefan.
Stefan: Hello, brother.
Holy FULL CIRCLE, Batman! Parallels! So telling. Anyway, Stefan tells Damon to stop following him, but Damon is all “you think I care what Klaus thinks?” Stefan tells him he’s supposed to let him go. Damon brings up the “art work” in Tennessee.
There’s a fine line that Stefan’s walking. If he keeps it up, there will be no saving him. Stefan says that he doesn’t need saving. Damon brings up Elena, but Stefan is unfazed. He obvs hasn’t proven his point, so he calls out to Andie.
She appears on a lighting catwalk thing. Stefan told her she couldn’t move, so she remains perched on the end.
Damon: Not cool, brother.
Stefan: Oh, come on. A little cool.
Hehe. Then Stefan says, “Hey, Andie, you can move now.”
Stefan rushes Damon and pins him against the wall while Andie falls to her death. Stefan is all “I said let me go.” RIPPAH! Kind of. Still. HOLY CRAP.
Aww, Damon actually looks a little sad she’s dead.
Great, now he’s going to have to break in a new concubine.
Back at the SBH, Matt is leaving. Jer spots him looking for his car, and determines that if he’s too high to find his car, he’s too high to drive, and offers to drive him home in what I hope is his sister’s car.
Jer gets in and GhostVicki is in the passenger seat.
“Help me.” She disappears when Matt gets in, but he heard Jer say “Vicki.”
“As in my sister, Vicki.”
Jeremy denies it, and fires up the car. But Anna is in the headlights!
Question: do they always show up together? Vicki first, then Anna? Think that has anything to do with anything (besides death order)?
Whatever. Back inside, Caroline is going through the party, moving aside a guy who was in her way.
Tyler notices she’s pissed he brought someone.
Apparently he’ll stop dating if she tells him to. He starts saying something, but I’m sorry I’m not paying attention anymore.
And now there’s kissing – MY EYES!
Over in Damon’s room, Damon comes in, and Elena comes out of the closet, papers in hand.
Bitch, he had those organized! She’s all “whenever I came to you with a lead, you made me feel like an idiot.” Valid. Still, he probably worked a long time on that closet. Okay, dropping it.
Damon says she was an idiot. They both were. Elena wants to know why he didn’t tell her he was tracking Klaus’ victims.
Damon explains because they weren’t Klaus’; they were Stefan’s. Elena is in denial, but Damon says he’s seen it before. Stefan is a FULL BLOWN RIPPER. Heartbreakingly, he tells her to stop waiting.
Damon: Stefan is gone, and he’s not coming back. Not in your lifetime.
Back at la Casa de Gilbert, Matt and Jer are eating ice cream. (Cin: Who eats ice cream with the munchies? Rank amateurs. *shakes head*). Matt says he should leave before Elena and Alaric come home and see what a bad influence he is. For what? What are they going to see? Two boys eating ice cream? At least you’re not in your Underoos.
Matt wants to take the ice cream home (there better be brownie bits or cookie dough in there), and Jer lets him have it.
But then Matt wants to know why Jeremy said Vicki’s name in the car.
Jer confesses he’s been seeing her. Matt says he has been too. “‘Cause I miss her so much, I wanna see her, so I do.”
He’s willing to believe in vamps and werewolves, but motherfucking GHOSTS is where he draws the line.
Back at the SoCo Lounge, Klaus is explaining how making hybrid babies is a three-step process:
1) Feeding the werewolf his vamp blood (which he does with
Simon Ray laying on the pool table),
2) killing the werewolf (which he does by breaking his neck).
We don’t find out the 3rd step yet because Stefan has returned. Klaus says it was a bit of a test, to see/prove if Stefan still cares for his brother.
Stefan: I don’t care about anything anymore.
Klaus says that Stefan puts up a good front, but he’s not fooling him.
Klaus: You never stop caring about family, do you? But every time you feed, the blood makes it easier to let go.
Back at la Casa de Gilbert, Alaric is packing his stuff; he’s not going to stay there anymore. Because he’s not a good role model. He drinks too much, and encourages bad behavior. He apparently can pull it together at school (how do you know, Ric?? Isn’t it still summer?), but in RL, he’s no good to anyone, especially with the way he misses Jenna.
Wait. What are you doing? What—what—what are you doing? She was their AUNT, Alaric, and you don’t see them falling apart like that. Also, good, you’re 18 now, so good luck with everything, Elena. Try not to fuck everything up while you’re depressed because your boyfriend is off killing people, your parents (bio and adopted) are dead, your aunt is dead, and your surrogate guardian is leaving.
Alaric: I’m sorry, Elena. You’re 18. You can do all of this alone. You can do it better without me.
Alaric, you’re a stupid beitch.
Back at –
OH GOD MY EYES! Clothes discarded. Moaning. Kissing. Getting ready for the sex. The only reason I know I’m not watching HBO is that Caroline is still wearing underwear.
Because Jesus Christ.
Back at the SBH, Damon is feeling feelings all over Stefan’s room.
Over in TN at the SoCo Lounge, Stefan is feeling feelings, but trying not to, in the parking lot.
He pulls out his cell phone.
At la Casa de Gilbert, Elena’s in her room looking at the emo-riffic card Jer made her
when her phone rings. IT’S STEFAN! She doesn’t notice at first but
YOUR PHONE WILL NOT STOP ITS INCESSANT BUZZING. ANSWER IT, PLEASE.
She does, and nothing. Stefan says nothing, but she knows it’s him.
Elena: Stefan? Stefan if this is you, it’ll be okay. I love you, Stefan. Hold on to that. Never let that go.
AND OH GOD THE STEARS.
Back at Lockwood Manor, Ty’s all zonked out (because he’s a boy), and Caroline is making her escape.
Hellz yeah! Fuck and leave! But Carol is creeping in the hallway, all “leaving so soon?”
Caroline starts to apologize for being loud, I guess, but quits before she finishes the sentence, and instead just says she’s going to leave. She goes to get her purse, but IT BURNS!
Then OMGWTFVERVAINSEDATIONOVERKILL, Carol shoots her in the back with not one, not two, but THREE vervain darts.
Also, no one
makes Caroline bleed her own blood messes with Caroline! NO ONE! We’re watching you, Carol. Watch your back!
(All screencaps courtesy of hotn-caps.com)