Murderers! Vandals! Thieves and drunkards! Oh, you Salvatore brothers have such callous disregard for the law. It’s a crying shame the amount of laws these two have broken, and if Sheriff Forbes didn’t keep losing her deputies, surely somebody would have locked these bad boys up by now. Damon and Stefan Salvatore have done so many illegal things that I had to expand my list, and there’s another dozen or so items that I could have put on here. There are also multiple examples of many of these crimes, but if I’d written them all I’d have been in trouble with Cin & Christina for bogging down the blog.
Now, I know you love the Salvatores. Believe me, I know. I love them too, but make no mistake about it: by the letter of the law these guys are hardened criminals, both of them. These unrepentant scofflaws have escaped punishment for decades by compelling law enforcement, flirting with judges and outliving the prosecution. Never let it be said that I was blinded to the faults of my favorites (Hey, I’ve even called out Klaus). This week I am shining a light on the many unreported crimes that the Salvatore brothers have committed in Mystic Falls.
10 15 Things Damon and/or Stefan Salvatore Should Have Been Arrested For Already
15. Public Intoxication. Between Stefan’s blood and Damon’s bourbon, both Salvatore boys spend an awful lot of time staggering around looking rumpled and wild-eyed, and both guys have been known to get creepy with other people’s moms when they get drunk. Gentlemen, there’s a couple of spots being held for you in the Mystic Falls drunk tank, just as soon as we train up some new deputies to take your prints.
14. Transporting a Minor Across State Lines. Okay, you find a teenage girl barely conscious and bleeding from a suspicious car accident. Do you a) call 911. b) take her to a hospital or c) drive her out of state for the purposes of drinking beer and hanging with your ex?
13. Fraud. Public education costs taxpayer money, Stefan! Shame on you.
12. Sexual Assault. Oh, Damon. You are your very own episode of Law & Order: SVU.
11. Attempted Assault. Look, you’re already up on charges for slipping girls the mental roofies and now you’re trying to poison ladies with wolfsbane at the local bar? Do you want to be arrested?
10. Assault. Who the heck goes around stabbing people with the good silver? Damon, your father must be rolling in his grave.
9. Assault With A Deadly Weapon. I see you over there behind that flamethrower, Mr. Salvatore.
9. Assaulting a Police Officer. If Caroline’s mom wasn’t the Sheriff, Vampire Barbie would’ve been booked on this one too. Of course, if Caroline’s mom wasn’t the Sheriff, I probably wouldn’t be writing this because somebody would’ve busted the Salvatores before I got enough crimes for a list.
8. Grave Robbing. Speaking of father’s grave, the Historical Society definitely wants Stefan up on charges for this one. Disturbing a grave from the 1800s and taking a historically relevant artifact out for personal use? See you at the courthouse, buddy.
7. Fleeing The Scene Of An Accident. It’s not enough that Damon causes accidents, but he also bails on them before the cops get there or hides the evidence so they never show up at all. Stefan doesn’t get away clean on this one either; there’s that little matter of a car going off Wickery Bridge a while back. Someone didn’t stay to give a witness report. Tell me again how he’s the “good” brother?
6. Cruelty to Animals. Hear that, Stefan? It’s Sarah McLachlan and she’s singing just for you.
5. Breaking and Entering. About this word, ‘invitation’. I do not think it means what you think it means.
4. Unlawful Imprisonment. Fellas, we really need to talk about the basement. This thing you do where you take turns locking each other up down there? It’s one step away from the lotion in the basket, and there are laws against that sort of behavior. Why can’t you just put in an air hockey table like regular brothers?
3. Murder. “But I’m a vaaaampiiiire!” Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the judge, whiner. Both of you.
2. Domestic Violence (on each other). Careful, boys. You’re inspiring slash-fic.
1. Jay-Walking. Most people don’t deserve to be arrested for jay-walking. It takes a special kind of jackass to turn the simple act of crossing the street into a creative form of murder. You’re an affront to crossing guards everywhere, Damon Salvatore, and sooner or later they are going to make. you. pay.