15 Things Damon and/or Stefan Salvatore Should Have Been Arrested For Already

Murderers! Vandals! Thieves and drunkards! Oh, you Salvatore brothers have such callous disregard for the law. It’s a crying shame the amount of laws these two have broken, and if Sheriff Forbes didn’t keep losing her deputies, surely somebody would have locked these bad boys up by now. Damon and Stefan Salvatore have done so many illegal things that I had to expand my list, and there’s another dozen or so items that I could have put on here. There are also multiple examples of many of these crimes, but if I’d written them all I’d have been in trouble with Cin & Christina for bogging down the blog.

Now, I know you love the Salvatores. Believe me, I know. I love them too, but make no mistake about it: by the letter of the law these guys are hardened criminals, both of them. These unrepentant scofflaws have escaped punishment for decades by compelling law enforcement, flirting with judges and outliving the prosecution. Never let it be said that I was blinded to the faults of my favorites (Hey, I’ve even called out Klaus). This week I am shining a light on the many unreported crimes that the Salvatore brothers have committed in Mystic Falls.

10 15 Things Damon and/or Stefan Salvatore Should Have Been Arrested For Already

15. Public Intoxication. Between Stefan’s blood and Damon’s bourbon, both Salvatore boys spend an awful lot of time staggering around looking rumpled and wild-eyed, and both guys have been known to get creepy with other people’s moms when they get drunk. Gentlemen, there’s a couple of spots being held for you in the Mystic Falls drunk tank, just as soon as we train up some new deputies to take your prints.

14. Transporting a Minor Across State Lines. Okay, you find a teenage girl barely conscious and bleeding from a suspicious car accident. Do you a) call 911. b) take her to a hospital or c) drive her out of state for the purposes of drinking beer and hanging with your ex?

13. Fraud. Public education costs taxpayer money, Stefan! Shame on you.

12. Sexual Assault. Oh, Damon. You are your very own episode of Law & Order: SVU.

11. Attempted Assault. Look, you’re already up on charges for slipping girls the mental roofies and now you’re trying to poison ladies with wolfsbane at the local bar? Do you want to be arrested?

10. Assault. Who the heck goes around stabbing people with the good silver? Damon, your father must be rolling in his grave.

9. Assault With A Deadly Weapon. I see you over there behind that flamethrower, Mr. Salvatore.

9. Assaulting a Police Officer. If Caroline’s mom wasn’t the Sheriff, Vampire Barbie would’ve been booked on this one too. Of course, if Caroline’s mom wasn’t the Sheriff, I probably wouldn’t be writing this because somebody would’ve busted the Salvatores before I got enough crimes for a list.

8. Grave Robbing.
Speaking of father’s grave, the Historical Society definitely wants Stefan up on charges for this one. Disturbing a grave from the 1800s and taking a historically relevant artifact out for personal use? See you at the courthouse, buddy.

7. Fleeing The Scene Of An Accident. It’s not enough that Damon causes accidents, but he also bails on them before the cops get there or hides the evidence so they never show up at all. Stefan doesn’t get away clean on this one either; there’s that little matter of a car going off Wickery Bridge a while back. Someone didn’t stay to give a witness report. Tell me again how he’s the “good” brother?

6. Cruelty to Animals. Hear that, Stefan? It’s Sarah McLachlan and she’s singing just for you.

5. Breaking and Entering. About this word, ‘invitation’. I do not think it means what you think it means.

4. Unlawful Imprisonment. Fellas, we really need to talk about the basement. This thing you do where you take turns locking each other up down there? It’s one step away from the lotion in the basket, and there are laws against that sort of behavior. Why can’t you just put in an air hockey table like regular brothers?

3. Murder. “But I’m a vaaaampiiiire!” Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the judge, whiner. Both of you.

2. Domestic Violence (on each other). Careful, boys. You’re inspiring slash-fic.

1. Jay-Walking. Most people don’t deserve to be arrested for jay-walking. It takes a special kind of jackass to turn the simple act of crossing the street into a creative form of murder. You’re an affront to crossing guards everywhere, Damon Salvatore, and sooner or later they are going to make. you. pay.

This entry was posted in Damon Salvatore, Hiatus Thursday, Mystic Falls, SBH Top Ten, Stefan Salvatore. Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to 15 Things Damon and/or Stefan Salvatore Should Have Been Arrested For Already

  1. Cin Salvatore says:

    Abby, you seriously outdid yourself this week. BRILLIANT! *muah*

  2. Betsy says:

    Hilarious!!!! These two are even worst than we thought!! If I didn’t like them so much, I’d vote for a new a better sheriff!!!! ๐Ÿ˜‰ lol

  3. It Ain't Piano Lessons Honey says:

    Damon’s triple assault charges are too hilarious (and accurate)! My all time favorite was number 6: Cruelty to Animals. ROTFL!

  4. I could have gotten in real trouble reading this at work. My laugh was a little disrespectful. Absolutly genius.

  5. I still think #12 is my favorite. Damon Salvatore and Detective Stabler in the same room…? This needs to happen.

  6. Angela says:

    This is great! #15 was something I was thinking about yesterday. Stefan should really have gotten picked up for MIP (Minor In Possession). He’s been spotted drinking several times. But this was just wonderful.

  7. Vanessa says:

    Haha! Love this! Almost spit out my lunch from laughing at #4. And you’re right there is sooo much more

  8. Samantha says:

    Oh, goodness. I am in TEARS from laughing so hard. Brilliant as usual, Abby.
    My favorites had to be #6, #5, #3, and #1. Truly hysterical.

  9. AbbyGraham says:

    Thank you so much, you guys! I had a ton of fun writing this one. We may have to revisit it at a later date. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  10. PVS says:

    Did anyone notice that there are two point 9s on the list :p

  11. Regina says:

    #14 was my favorite show from season 1!!! & #7 was brilliant. I had forgot all about when Stefan did that..that should have been #1 : )

  12. Pepca says:

    Brilliant! It really is an on-going list – difficult to keep up with all they did. Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

  13. Faith austin says:

    I can stop laughin abs. Dat was brillant keep it up

  14. Tina says:

    Amazing! also love the Princess Bride reference :P. Wow these guys have done a lot of bad stuff but we still love them of course! They also steal from hospitals/blood banks!

  15. Pingback: The SBH Top 10: #TVDNashville Edition | The Salvatore Boarding House

  16. lizard77 says:

    Stefan is such a hypocrite killing animals is just as bad as killing humans unless they are farm animals except horses. But no he kills bunnies and rabbits instead. And stefan was the one who turned Damon into a vampire he broke his promise at least Damon is a man of his word more often. Stefan was the bad guy first yet damon gets alot of the blame damon for a while was against killing people while Stefan felt good by doing it.

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