Here at the SBH, I get a certain amount of eye-rolling from Cin & Christina about my alleged bias towards Klaus. It’s ridiculous really, I barely mentioned him in our episode reactions last year, and I certainly didn’t write an essay examining his character for vampire-diaries.net Calumny and lies, I tell you!
For the record, I am well aware of Klaus’s occasional lapses in judgement. It isn’t just that he daggered and boxed our mayoral candidate (#pullthedaggerout), the hard truth is that our favorite werepire has been wreaking havoc around the world for many hundreds of years. He may be charming and have a bitchin’ traveling trunk, but Klaus knows how to bring the evil. No matter how much the bunnies love him, some things just are just too awful to forgive.
10 Bad Things Klaus Is (Probably) Responsible For
10. The Bayonet. Ever seen one of these? It’s a combination weapon – a hybrid, you might say. You take a wicked bladed knife and attach it to a gun so you can do two kinds of murder without having to change weapons in the middle. Who in the world could have come up with something like that? It’s brilliant! Also: Terrifying! And a little bit gross! You know what else is terrifying and gross? Snatching out someone’s heart and squeezing it to make a smoothie.
9. The Salem Witch Trials. Back in the 1690s a whole lot of people were suddenly accused of being witches and imprisoned or killed. Gosh, I don’t know any werepires that might have needed a witch to break a curse and been ticked off if someone said no. And even if I did, I’m sure such a werepire would be totally understanding and forgiving and certainly would not work a little mental mojo on the locals to get these people in trouble… and no way would he then rescue any witches from this suddenly dangerous place and then flash his dimples while pointing out how much they owe him. Nope. I don’t know anyone like that. Do you?
8. The Toga. I have this theory that many years ago in ancient Rome people were wearing pants. Then along comes Klaus, who might have had a few too many before falling into bed with some attractive Roman. He wakes up the next morning with no idea what happened to his clothes… hey, it happens. Klaus wants to get home before his brother wakes up, so he tosses on a sheet and off he goes. This would have been no big deal if Marcus Moronicus hadn’t spotted him strolling down the street in a sheet and shouted: “Haha! Hey everybody! Klaus looks silly!” A short time and many murders later, everyone is so afraid to even smile at the sight of a dude in a sheet that even the Senators are wearing them, and this is why we still have college students decking out in the ridiculous things today.
7. Missing and late packages. Parcel services worldwide have a love-hate relationship with Klaus. They love his money and they hate his family. Or, more to the point, they hate transporting his family, because that giant heavy crate full of coffins is one stone bitch to move around. It takes extra people, extra space and all kinds of special handling, leaving other areas understaffed. Next time your Barnes and Noble order is two days late for no good reason, don’t yell at the shipping company… because it’s really Klaus’s fault.
6. Both versions of ‘The Parent Trap’. It’s already been established that Klaus drinks. Well, along about 1970, our ancient friend got very drunk at a Hollywood party and started talking about doppelgangers. Some equally drunk producer overheard him and scribbled down some notes… and the rest is history. We could give Klaus a pass on the second incarnation, except that you *know* he could have stopped it with a little well-placed compulsion, and he didn’t. Whether or not you liked the movies themselves, it cannot be argued that countless kids with divorced parents have gotten their hopes up that some well-timed pranks can reunite their folks. Way to shatter the hopes and dreams of children, Klaus.
5. Grimms Fairy Tales. Speaking of children… you know what’s weird? Telling little kids bedtime stories full of child-eating monsters, kidnappers and evil stepparents. You know what’s hilarious? Compelling some beloved local storyteller to change all his happy little fairy tales into grisly horror stories and then spread them around as much as possible. Funniest of all is then convincing a couple German writers to publish these stories so future generations could have nightmares of their very own. All the better to scare you with, my dears!
4. Stonehenge. This is what happens when two super strong brothers get really drunk in Wiltshire. Thanks to Klaus, whole generations of archaeologists have cried themselves to sleep over a very early version of Jenga.
3. The otherwise inexplicable continued popularity of leather pants. There is no good reason for leather pants to still be making the rounds in 2011. PETA hates them. They’re hot, they’re hard to get in to (or out of) and very few people look good in them. So why are they still around? Klaus! He may not be doing it on purpose, but I bet every time this trend is about to disappear forever, Klaus shows up rocking a pair like nobody’s business and some envious dude thinks, “Wow, that guy looks great! I bet I could pull that off!” and then the whole world is stuck with them for another decade. Awesome.
2.Chad’s slow descent into juvenile delinquency. Remember Chad? From third period? He thought he was doing some extra credit for his history teacher but found himself leading a gang of guys beating up a younger kid at the school dance instead. The next day, he wakes up with a fuzzy memory, lots of bruises and Dana is calling and calling (Not now, Dana!) demanding to know why he ditched her last night. How does a guy bounce back from that? It’s not like a Salvatore is going to check on him, and I’m not sure anyone even told Alaric it happened. The kid is doomed. Pretty soon, poor Chad will be smoking up behind the bleachers and stealing lunch money from the freshmen. Oh Klaus… can’t you ever think of the children?
1. Keanu Reeves’ English Accent in Bram Stoker’s Dracula. “What do you mean your dialect coach doesn’t like it? It’s perfect, mate. Do it just. like. that.”