10 Everyday Things That Can Seriously Hurt You In Mystic Falls

Let’s face it… this is one strange town. Nobody goes to class, there’s only one restaurant, your neighbors kinda want to eat you and your yearbook has an epitaph page. You might think that staying away from people and hanging out at home is a way to improve your life expectancy, but nowhere and nothing is safe in Mystic Falls. Even the most innocuous-seeming object may be sitting there quietly plotting your demise, waiting for the moment when you finally drop your guard. So, pull up a chair  have a seat on the stairs look, just stand there and read this, okay?! These are things you need to know.

10 Everyday Things That Can Seriously Hurt You In Mystic Falls

10. Pencils. In other towns, a pencil is something you go to school with. In Mystic Falls, a pencil is something someone schools you with.

9. Stairs. Stairs were originally developed so that people could get from one floor of a building to another floor without having to climb a ladder or jump. Like those super-sharks from Deep Blue Sea, however, the denizens of Mystic Falls have found ways to improve on the original concept and turn plain old stairs into malevolent instruments of pain. Mrs. Lockwood, Sarah, and even our usually graceful Elijah have all had a flight of stairs turned against them at one point or another. Let this be a lesson to everyone: if you’re dumb enough to buy a house in Mystic Falls, stick with single-level living. You’ll be safer.

8. Mops. We’ve already established that MFHS isn’t the safest place to hang out–unless you’re a bunny, of course–but you know the danger level is getting out of hand when even the cleaning supplies are out to get you. Don’t believe me? Ask Noah, the erstwhile Pizza Delivery Vamp who got himself tortured and staked with one. (After being stabbed through the hand with a what? A pencil! See #10.)

7. Chairs. These damn things are like omnipresent local death traps, if you happen to be a vampire. Every time you turn around someone is busting up a chair and stabbing the nearest undead. The attacker doesn’t even have to be physically present! You might be thinking “oh, well, chairs are made of wood; it’s just a coincidence”. Oh yeah? What the hell kind of chair collapses into a pile of pre-sharpened stakes at the slightest hint of pressure?! A MYSTIC FALLS CHAIR, THAT’S WHAT KIND.

6. Windows. As with chairs, windows are supposed to be utilitarian and relatively benign, and mostly they are… right up until they explode inward, showering glass bits into your coffee or until someone uses a chunk of window glass to stab you through the chest.

Are you with me so far? Ranch houses.  No windows. Sofas. Swiffers. Write with pens!

5. Rain. Fog is bad around here but rain is worse because it’s sneaky. Most people look at unexplained fog rolling in and think “Uh-oh, that can’t be good!” or at least hastily leave the graveyard they’re hanging out in. Rain, on the other hand, is so ordinary that you don’t really give it any thought. You don’t consider that it might be dark enough for a crowd of enemy vampires to come outside during the day and kidnap you, or that it might wash out roads, send teenage girls sliding down muddy embankments or reveal the occasional shallow grave. Ah, Mystic Falls! It’s the only town in Virginia where you’re more likely to need a panic room than a sump pump.

4. Lemonade. You know how we tell kids not to take candy from strangers? We need to tell everyone in town not to take beverages from anyone else.

3. Grandma Gilbert’s Silver Set. Oh, it’s so pretty! Oh, it’s an heirloom! OhMyGod it’s sticking out of Mason Lockwood’s chest!

2. Photographs. In a normal town, people worry about their photos being made public on the internet. In Mystic Falls, people worry about their photos being made into magic immobilization powder. Stick with digital, kids.

1. Dinner. You know what? Dinner just never ends well. Takeout Italian homestyle? Ding-dong! Vampire at your door! Regular old pizza? Ding-Dong! Vampire #2! Attending a dinner party? Awesome, you’re impaled through a chair. Whatever else you do, people: Don’t let your boyfriend make dinner. Not unless you want a cut on your hand, a werewolf at your lake house, or to stab yourself through the gut with a butcher knife–and all that assumes it was really your boyfriend cooking. After all, it might have been your adopted niece’s boyfriend’s ex’s old flame possessing your boyfriend. Talk about awkward! People of Mystic Falls, just stay out of the kitchen. Either skip dinner completely or take your chances with the Warlocks and Sheriff Forbes by eating at the Grill.

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6 Responses to 10 Everyday Things That Can Seriously Hurt You In Mystic Falls

  1. rehabber says:

    Dang it took me awhile to figure out the family tree of #1. Anyway got a laugh out of these.

  2. Becca says:

    Salvatore Boarding House how I love thee…and my weekly giggle. Faves:
    Stairs: malevolent instruments of pain, Bwaahaaaa
    Are you with me so far? Ranch houses. No windows. Sofas. Swiffers. Write with pens!
    and ALL of #1. Ya’ll rock 😀

  3. Gabriela says:

    Wow, that is a challenge: your adopted niece’s boyfriend’s ex’s old flame possessing your boyfriend!
    But well put, it is utterly correct, but it took me a while to figure it out 🙂
    I just laughed my heart out, colleagues at the office looking at me with that look of “oh, she reads THAT website again…”.
    Have a great weekend

  4. Tina says:

    Haha #1 is genius. Elijah technically got daggered twice in ‘The Dinner Party’, Stefan got shot, Elena stabbed herself and I don’t think anyone actually got dessert. Adopted niece’s boyfriend’s ex’s old flame possessing your boyfriend is genius. I think “your ex’s illegitimate daughter’s doppelganger’s old flame possessing your adopted niece’s ex-step father” could have worked too 😛

  5. Pingback: Episode 1×12: Unpleasantville: roundup « The Bloody Details

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