One of the most tragic things about a loss of life (or unlife, as the case may be) is the knowledge of what the dearly departed might have done if they’d been able to survive a little longer. We all know how dangerous it is around here – Mystic Falls has the busiest gravediggers in Virginia, that’s for sure! We’ve seen so much death that we’re starting to get jaded, but I think we should take a moment to consider all the things our poor lost comrades might have done if only they’d had a chance.
10 Things Dead Characters Might Have Accomplished. (But We’ll Never Know Now, Will We?)
10. Vicky Donovan’s promotion to Manager at the Grill. Not actually sure this would be a good idea, really, but it *would* allow Matt to take a break from washing dishes now and then. Who knows? Maybe Vicky would have stepped up to her new responsibilities and started adding liquor besides bourbon…but the world will never know.
9. A Deputy’s landslide win in the next Sheriff’s election. Sheriff is an elected position, did you know that? Think about it – the town of Mystic Falls keeps voluntarily putting Liz Forbes in that uniform and giving her a gun. I used to think everyone was crazy, but now I think it’s because none of the deputies live long enough to run against her. Brilliant politics, but maybe in September we can think about letting a few of these trusty sidekicks survive, okay? Give democracy a chance, Mystic Falls!
8. Pearl’s Apothecary. In a town where your best defense against some of the locals is concoctions made from obscure plants, you’d think someone would have already opened one of these. Congratulations, John Gilbert! You literally shot down the first useful local business since 1864.
7. Mason Lockwood’s surfing trophy. Somewhere out in the ocean there’s a single wave with Mason Lockwood’s name on it…and it’s a sad, lonely wave that will never fulfill its destiny. You just sit and think about that for a minute, Damon. Who’s the heartless one now, hmmm?
6. Torture-Porn Werewolf Guy’s indie film. I’m sure this charming fella had a name, but if I use this description, everyone knows who he is. His film was amazing, a true work of cinematic art. It probably would have won the Palm D’or at Cannes, but the final edits got stalled by final rites.
5. Slater’s next degree. : (
4. Coach Tanner’s State Championship. It’s pretty harsh, when you think about it. On the same day that Stefan Salvatore joins the team and Coach Tanner starts to see a glimmer of hope that the Timberwolves might actually have a shot this year, he gets unceremoniously eaten by his new star’s big brother. Ouch.
3. Jenna’s Thesis. Sorry, can’t type. Crying. If only there was a psychologist around to help me through my grief.
2. Uncle Zack’s Prize Winning Azaleas. Vervain isn’t much of a challenge for a serious gardener, but the perfect azalea? That takes dedication, and Zack had plenty of that. Unfortunately, he also had plenty of vampire relatives who could care less about landscaping. So much for beautification of Mystic Falls.
1. Elijah’s book. …damnit.