Mystic Falls is a tough place to work for anybody except the local bourbon dealer, but the Bureau of Tourism has a really hard job. These guys come to work, turn on the local news praying it won’t be another dead camper. They start cursing whenever they see a new newscaster because they just know the old one is rotting in the woods somewhere. How do you convince people to come to a town with no sports team, one restaurant, no holidays except Halloween and a really high mortality rate among tourists?
You get creative, that’s how! Here are the latest efforts from the MFBoT to
lure convince people to visit this incredibly dangerous charming little town.
10 Slogans The Mystic Falls Bureau Of Tourism Could Use That Aren’t Outright Lies
10. “Beautiful scenic walks.” This is true. The woods are pretty, and if you survive the hikes there are some lovely scenic views. They may be the last things you’ll ever see, but they are pretty.
9. “Interesting wildlife!” Your interests include getting your arm ripped off, right?
8. “The Mystic Grill offers a unique dining experience.” You bet it’s unique – it’s the only dining experience. It’s also the only restaurant in Virginia where your drinks might be poured by a vampire, you can play pool with a werewolf and have your table bussed by the last indentured servant in the USA.
7. “No matter when you visit, there’s always something going on.” Come for the fireworks, stay for the mass murder! From tea parties to park dedications, this town has plenty of activities for young, old, and suicidal.
6. “A great destination in any season!” Actually, Mystic Falls doesn’t have any seasons. Just pack a light jacket, an umbrella and a fashionable scarf.
5. “You’ll never have a camping experience like it!” …because you’ll be dead in the woods like all the other idiots who thought this would be a great place to pitch a tent. Don’t you people ever watch the news?!
4. “You can visit original buildings from the 1800s.” You can also get haunted by the hundred dead witches that hang around those buildings, but we’ll leave that part out of the brochure, okay?
3. “Enjoy locally brewed teas.” Translation: DRINK THE VERVAIN. DRINK IT RIGHT NOW.
2. “Everything within walking distance. No need to drive!” In fact, please don’t drive. Just leave your car at home because if you don’t accidentally-on-purpose (his purpose) plow into Damon Salvatore, you’ll probably get taken out by a drunk driver or suddenly lose control of the car on Wickery Bridge.
1. “Mystic Falls: Experience History.” Truth in advertising? We’ve got that.