In the wake of C&C’s fabulous Elijah-centric guest post on vampire-diaries.net and since the ever-amazing Daniel Gillies had a few questions on the topic, I’ve decided to raise the Elijah for Mayor campaign flag over this week’s SBH Top Ten.
For starters, Campaign Headquarters feels the need to clear up a rumor that’s going around regarding our choice of candidates: we in no way want to lock everybody’s favorite BAMF up in an office, and the day we let our man push paper will simply never dawn. We didn’t select an Original because they’re decorative, people! We’re endorsing Elijah on the grounds that somebody has to make the big decisions for Mystic Falls, and he’s literally the only guy around who we think is capable of getting things done. If you’ve seen any of my other Top Ten lists you know that Mystic Falls has some significant social problems, and out of the entire local population–plus regular visitors!–we of the SBH feel that Elijah is the only logical choice to run this town. Special thanks to SBH buddy Melissa for her contribution to #6…now read ’em and weep, Lockwood supporters!
10 Reasons To Elect Elijah Mayor of Mystic Falls
10. Elijah has not yet murdered a town resident. You wouldn’t think this would be a difficult requirement to fill, but around here? It’s a tough one. The Sheriff, both Salvatores, Alaric Saltzman…the list of murder-free adults in Mystic Falls is pretty short, especially when even technically innocent people like Carol Lockwood have been active in plotting local deaths. Elijah is certainly no stranger to the fatality business, but he thus far restricts himself to people in Richmond and the occasional vagabond werewolf. Oh, and Trevah, but let’s face it: that one was pretty effing cool.
9. Unlike the last Mayor, Elijah has never punched an MFHS student in the face. Call me old-fashioned, but somehow decking high schoolers lacks a certain gravitas that we feel is important in an elected official.
8. Extreme savings on demolitions for Public Works. Need a bridge demolished? How about knocking down that old abandoned witchy house? With Elijah in charge, there’s no need to get bids, run a budget or deal with contractors. Just give the man ten minutes and a fistful of change…he’ll do the rest. (And it’ll be AWESOME.)
7. Elijah once cured a prominent local woman of her dependence on a non-FDA-approved herbal substance. Have we even seen a study on the long term effects of vervain usage? How do we know that stuff doesn’t cause cancer?! Elijah understands the importance of clinical trials and recently went out of his way help someone free herself of this potentially harmful supplement. Not just anyone, either – his own opponent! True class, my friends. True class.
6. While Elijah has, in the past, supported the deforestation of certain endangered trees, he is VERY AWARE of the dangers of toxic ash. Talk about environmentally responsible! He’s also about to get tough on the possession of specific types of bladed weapons. We’re all really looking forward to seeing him implement his anti- toxic ash & dagger program sometime in the Fall. (Really early in the Fall, okay, show? OKAY?)
5. Elijah does not have a drinking problem. He may sip tea, enjoy a glass of wine or indulge in the occasional blood bag, but one thing he doesn’t do is hold up the bar at the Mystic Grill – which is just fine, really, since the rest of the town kinda has that covered. Elijah doesn’t get drunk and play in traffic, doesn’t swill martinis and spill town secrets or make friends with Senor Tequila when he’s feeling a little depressed. Sober is sexy, Mystic Falls! Give it a try some time.
4. Elijah doesn’t really pursue younger women. This, my friends, is a nice change for the girls at MF High. (…and a bit of a disappointment to the rest of us, but c’est la vie.)
3. Elijah takes an active stance against the periodic feral canine problem. This candidate is OBA endorsed (that’s the Orphaned Bunny Association, btw; they’re feeling the need to be heard lately) and takes a hard-line stance on animal control. He has single-handledly double-handledly taken out several dangerous werewolves, yet has nothing but a gentle smile for the harmless squirrels, bunnies and bambis in the woods. In a town like Mystic Falls, where the feral canine problem is recurring and on the rise, this is a key voter issue. Always thinking ahead, Elijah has also been active in helping with his brother Klaus’s efforts to educate the public about the hunting habits of wolves in North America. Seriously…how could anyone NOT love this family?!
2. Elijah has stabbed Damon Salvatore with a pencil. Admit it: we’ve all wanted to do that at least once.
…and the number one reason to elect Elijah Mayor of Mystic Falls?
1. Elijah is immortal. Our candidate is fireproof, bulletproof, stake-resistant, and cannot be killed by having his neck snapped. Elijah can’t even catch a cold! Mystic Falls is incredibly dangerous, and we need someone to run things who isn’t going to come up with a nasty case of death or hospitalization every time a few new people come to town. As an Original, Elijah has the ability to survive Founder’s Day celebrations for years and years to come. No fear has he of any Tom, Dick or Maddox! A tumble down the stairs doesn’t even slow him down.
Vote for stability. Vote for longevity. Vote for invincibility! Next election day, either vote with your hearts or lose them completely – Elijah for Mayor in Mystic Falls!