Top 10 Ways In Which The Mystic Falls Board of Education Has Utterly Failed

A few weeks ago I suggested some events that would really help Mystic Falls deal with the unique challenges it faces as a community. There were great responses, but several people brought up concerns about the educational system. The failures of this particular section of town bureaucracy are so many and so egregious that they ended up with their own list. I won’t lie…the situation is dire. Carol Lockwood either needs to start putting some pressure on the Board of Ed or we need to get rid of her, unbox Elijah and let the BAMF get to work, because this town’s educational system is a mess. 

10 Ways In Which The Mystic Falls Board of Education Has Utterly Failed

10. Attendance. In most school districts attending school is mandatory. In Mystic Falls, it’s an afterthought. People drop in and out of school as often as they change their shirts (I’m looking right at you, Stefan Salvatore) and the school is quick to excuse absences for road trips to Duke, hikes in the woods and days spent touring the Lockwood Estate with periodically corpseified Originals. What kind of attendance policy is that?! Call me crazy, but I bet the local Truant Officer is lying in a shallow grave.

9. DARE Program. I don’t think any kid at Mystic High has ever “just said no” to anything. Well, except for Jeremy that one time he was making a point about how sober he was. Mostly though, the drinking is rampant, the smoking is obvious and the deputies who run DARE are probably out back with Tyler smoking joints between classes. It would explain their aim, right? FAIL.

8. Hiring. Did you ever wonder who hired Mr. “Let me mock and degrade my students in the classroom” Tanner? Or who thought a widower with a sackful of weapons and a drinking problem would make a good replacement? Wonder no more, my friends! I’ve done a little research and it turns out at that hiring at MFHS is run by the same HR company that supplies the deputies for the Sheriff’s Department. Rest easy, parents. Your kids are in good hands.

7. Security. What security? Has anyone seen a school security guard? There are no metal detectors at MF High, just the occasional chain on the cafeteria doors. Any teacher person can just waltz right in with a tote bag full of compressed air guns, stakes and vervain darts and nobody says one word. Hallway beat downs are no problem at school dances and random unabomber looking guys are welcome at the refreshment table.  Don’t worry, Damon Salvatore is chaperoning. What could possibly go wrong?

6. Parent Teacher Association. I’ve come to believe that no such organization exists in this town, presumably because there aren’t enough parents to fill the seats. A PTA might be able to raise concerns about things like mass absenteeism and the high student mortality rate, but without any live legal guardians, it’s kind of a lost cause.

5. Keeping in Code. Sparks flying, lights exploding…even the vending machines are shorting out. What’s going on here, Board of Ed? Did Damon accidentally-on-purpose eat the local Fire Marshall? This school is a death trap waiting to happen even without all the supernaturally lethal students who (occasionally) attend. Somebody get an engineer in there and test that sprinkler system! If there was a PTA, they’d be drafting a very stern letter.

4. Guidance Counseling. Wouldn’t it be great if teenagers going through tough transitions and emotional situations had some qualified adult to talk to? Maybe someone who could also help them get their academics on track or arrange their schedules around unexpected monthly commitments or new dietary restrictions? Yeah. That’d be really great. If only high schools had a designated person to do that kind of thing!

3. Sports. Many schools in America offer a variety of sports but not MFHS. Maybe they cut the athletics to make way for all the car-washing, decade-dance-decorating and after-school funeral obligations, but you’d think they’d at least add a track team. That would be useful, right? Lots of running? The sad part is, even offering only one sport, they still couldn’t be bothered to replace the Coach when he got eaten. Sorry about your football scholarship, Matt Donovan – now go wait on table two. Pathetic. You know what, Mystic Falls? You’re making Dillon, TX cry.

2. Course Selection: MFHS offers exactly two classes: History & Math.  How do I know this? Because there are only two teachers in the whole school that we’ve actually seen, Alaric Saltzman and an unnamed woman who teaches shadow-reckoning. We may have heard rumors of English and French, but we’ve never seen those classes and until we do I’m not willing to believe they’re real. Besides, let’s be honest: if these kids had a full course load there’s no way they’d have time to set up all those town events.

1. Graduation Rate. Let’s see…high student mortality, no guidance counseling, limited course offerings, a one-sport, Coachless athletics program…yeah, there’s just no chance. Youth of Mystic Falls, the educational system has failed you all. I’m sorry. It’s far more likely to be mortuaries than mortarboards for this year’s senior class.

This entry was posted in Features, Hiatus Thursday, SBH Top Ten. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Top 10 Ways In Which The Mystic Falls Board of Education Has Utterly Failed

  1. Mikkaa says:

    ROFLMAO!!!! WHHEEEWWWW, That WAS AWESOME!!!

  2. 2manyk9s says:

    Excellent Abby! Got me laughing!

  3. Hey Lady! says:

    That’s pretty brilliant. I like the Dillon TX reference especially.
    The parents are a serious problem, I think for all the kids on the show there are 2 parental figures. And I’m sure their days are numbered too.

  4. rehabber says:

    I don’t remember just how many sports Stefan told Damon that Tyler played and Tyler told Mason, I think 4. They were playing basketball out in the parking lot once. LOL Had to laugh at #7, right what could possibly go wrong with Damon there.
    This was a very good article, but I always had a concern about the CPS in the town. I mean Tyler gets slapped around by his dad, Jenna lets Jer have Vicki sleep over with the drinking and drugs, but tells Stefan to leave the door open in Elena’s room. Matt’s mom is MIA and when she is home she is drunk or making out with guys “half her age”.

    • AbbyGraham says:

      Playing hoops outside isn’t the same as a real team. Much like the mythical English and French classes, until I see these kids in uniforms with a coach, it doesn’t count. 😉 CPS has screwed up so bad I’m not sure I can give them a Top Ten – it’d end up being a Top 100 and depressing everyone!

      • rehabber says:

        I don’t remember just how many sports Stefan told Damon that Tyler played and Tyler told Mason, I think 4. They were playing basketball out in the parking lot once. LOL Had to laugh at #7, right what could possibly go wrong with Damon there.
        This was a very good article, but I always had a concern about the CPS in the town. I mean Tyler gets slapped around by his dad, Jenna lets Jer have Vicki sleep over with the drinking and drugs, but tells Stefan to leave the door open in Elena’s room. Matt’s mom is MIA and when she is home she is drunk or making out with guys “half her age”.

        Well I have to give you that, a CPS list would be very depressing.😉

  5. Hetal says:

    roflmao
    this is awesomest.
    Damon as Chaperone. he is best😀

  6. Abby – As always, you are right on target. Loved the bit about no PTA because there’s no parents!

  7. Betsy says:

    LOL Awesome!!! I was laughing sooo hard!! Loved the article!!😀

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