Mystic Falls is all about local events. School carnivals, bachelor raffles, tea parties, park clean up days…this town does everything. Well, everything except offer its residents anything remotely resembling useful, that is! How many lives could have been saved if the Mayor’s Office had put some thought into the schedule? Here are 10 special events that could go a long way towards improving life–and life expectancy–in Mystic Falls.
10 Town Events That Would Actually Be Useful
10. Weekly Blood Drive. It’s actually possible that this extremely necessary town event is already in progress. I mean, the Salvatore stash has to come from somewhere, right? (Cin and Christina: Yeah, from deliveries we set up. You’re welcome, Salvatores.) Everybody seems to have blood on hand, heck, Elena’s even keeping it in her car to help stave off snack-attacks by on-the-go undead. The thing is, the only time we’ve seen the ‘Give blood, give life’ initiative in action was very early on in Season 1, and there were nowhere near enough people in there to meet local demand for the red stuff. I say we put Caroline Forbes on this job, who’s with me? She’ll have the whole thing running like clockwork in no time, complete with cookies and juice.
9. Parenting Classes. Admittedly, this would have been a bit more useful while there were a few more of them alive, but hey, small class size is good, right? We can start with the regular teen stuff like curfews and underage drinking before going on to more local concerns like sexing up the supernatural and sealing people into tombs. Baby steps, Mystic Falls parents. Baby. Steps.
8. Personal Safety Course. This is a no-brainer. Every man, woman, child and bunny in this
incredibly dangerous perfectly charming little town really needs to know how to protect themselves. I’m not just talking about vampires and werewolves, either; even the Lockwood steps are dangerous around here! Stop walking alone at night and letting strangers in to talk about “historical research”, and for the love of bourbon stop hanging out in the damn woods! Protect yourselves. Protect your families. Safety First in Mystic Falls!
7. Restaurant Week. Somewhere in this town there have to be other restaurants. There have to be! Damon said he knew of “someplace woodsy” in “A Few Good Men”, and “The House Guest” gave rise to the rumor of Mystic Meatballs and Mystic Marinara, but so far these mythical eateries have all remained entirely off screen. Can’t we just try to go somewhere new for dinner, just once? It’ll be fun, I promise. We can take Matt along if he ever gets a night off from the Grill.
6. Book Swap. How much easier would last season’s witchy-woo have been if all the grimoires, journals and boxes of dusty research were in one spot? We can set them up on a table, label them nicely and presto! Ancient mysteries revealed! Imagine, people could just head to the swap, pick out a few tomes and then get back to the serious business of having sex in unlikely places. We get all the arcane instructions we need for Season 3 while Mystic Falls frees up some closet space. Everybody wins.
5. Fire Prevention & Safety Program. Let’s be serious for a moment: has there ever been a town with worse fire prevention than Mystic freaking Falls? Every time a witch so much as sneezes in this place, either something catches fire or
Damon Salvatore someone is having a near-immolation experience. Did somebody take out Smokey Bear when we weren’t looking? And what idiot sold the Salvatore boys a flame thrower? If we want Mystic Falls to still be standing for next season, we’ve got to shelve the Historical Society BS and introduce these vampires idiots nice people to a little thing we call Stop, Drop and Roll.
4. A Seminar On Basic Anatomy. For a town with a disproportionately high number of love triangles, finding the actual, physical heart on a person is proving to be awfully challenging around here. Do you have any idea how many times Stefan Salvatore has been run through the stomach in the last 2 seasons? It’s gotten so bad that the only way these jokers can find a heart is to reach in and feel around until they get a hold of it by hand. Pitiful. How hard can this be? Let’s throw a simple diagram up on that big movie screen in the square and make everyone take notes so we don’t embarrass ourselves (again) in Season 3.
3. Orphaned Bunny Adoption Day. Please, won’t someone think of the bunnies? “Find the rabbit, chase it down, FEED on it.” Well that’s fine advice for Caroline, but do you suppose Mr. Mentor has given any thought to the now motherless creatures his late-night snacks have left behind? The poor bunnies! Ian Somerhalder is ashamed of you, Stefan Salvatore. Deeply ashamed. It’s time to step up and take responsibility for these small, fluffy victims of your faux-vegetarian ways. If everybody in town takes home a couple baby bunnies, PETA will stop picketing and Stefan will have one less thing to brood about when he gets back.
2. Alcoholics Anonymous Enrollment Event. I know, I know, everyone loves booze…but when Matt Donovan is the local keg dog there is a serious problem going on. How many martinis have you had, Carol Lockwood? And Damon, drunk and raving on the side of the road is no way to go through eternity. Let’s use the Founder’s Hall for something besides reversible murder and get this town the help it so desperately needs. If we don’t start taking substance abuse more seriously around here then the person crying hardest over Jenna Sommer’s grave will be Senor Tequila. Get help. Get help now.
1. An Election. This one single event would solve so many problems in one glorious, confetti-strewn day. Elijah is the only person around who doesn’t drink to excess, doesn’t rely on old family journals for his info, hasn’t set anybody on fire and has yet to miss when grabbing for a heart. He’s never harmed a bunny and as far as we know he’s got no children to neglect by taking on the job. Mark my words my friends, if everybody would just quit shoving daggers in his chest Elijah could turn this town into a freaking paradise within six months. Stop the madness, Mystic Falls! Elijah For Mayor in 2011.