One of our regular guests, Stephanie, couldn’t make it to the reactions this week, so we have some comments in HER spirit like we did for Cin last week. Cin is back, though, and with a FIRE. So let’s get to it!

Main Players: Cin, Christina and Abby (SBH staff); Dayna, Melissa, Spirit of Cin (SBH contributors and friends).

Always and Forever: The Original BAMF
Cin: Elijah wins EVERYTHING. And he lives!!! You guys, I just – ok, so I made a deal with the TV gods, that if Elijah lived I’d be A-okay with absolutely anything else that happened in the episode, and guess what – I’m keeping that promise. And how AH-MAH-ZING was he?!? He was more than amazing, he was perfect. He was perfectly perfect Elijah. *DIES OF SQUEE*
Christina: We knew it! We knew Elijah was smart enough to realize that Elena was lying to him!
Dayna: Elijah was a motherfucking BOSS. Seriously. He just owns the world.
Abby: Using his vampire senses! Stomping through the ground! ELIJAH IS THE BEST THING EVER. I was ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED that he was going to kill himself at the end, or ask to be daggered. It seems out of character, but he was so depressed and the episode was so INSANE that I just had no idea what might happen.
Cin: The depression over screwing with Princess Gilbert was my one tiny flaw with him this episode. But screw it. He’s alive and off in Europe cultivating Original BAMF-ery and I’m walking on f-ing sunshine.
Christina: And thank FUCK he is alive. JESUS CHRIST if he had died…. I can’t… I can’t even BEGIN to express what the fuck I would have done. You guys, I decided this week that if they killed Elijah, I would be done with this show. There are other characters that I like, like Klaus and Caroline (and I basically live for the two of them together right now), but if my precious Elijah had been forced to leave us… all emotional involvement would have dissipated. I just know it.
Cin: I not only decided that, I stated it publicly on twitter. Elijah is my line in the sand. He doesn’t have to be on the show all the time, as long as he’s alive and well in the universe I can breath easier. I mean, I WANT him with us all the time – but if my choices are him off camera, daggered, or final death — umm, yeah. Off camera works for me just fine.
Dayna: I had to ask a Canadian about 20 minutes in if he survived or not. I could NOT deal with it. Couldn’t. I was in A State. WTF was that Klaus said about Elijah leaving, though? Like, what in the ACTUAL fuck?
Abby: I wouldn’t worry too terribly much. Mystic Falls is like the Hotel freaking California, complete with pink champagne. Nobody ever REALLY leaves. Die? Yes. Leave? No.
Dayna: The note, you guys. The note! And you just know the handwriting was all fancy and perfect, and it smelled like really expensive cologne.
Christina: Hahaha. The fancy writing is a given. It probably smelled all manly. It smelled like how a man is SUPPOSED to smell. Elijah is like the Original Old Spice Guy.
Dayna: I liked what they did at the end as far as character development and Elijah’s little shame spiral, but… that’s kinda why we LIKE him. He Gets Shit Done. I want him to be around for a long time and therefore integrate-able with the rest, but I don’t want him defanged, you know?
Cin: His pity party of one over his ‘honor’ slipping not withstanding, maybe gallivanting with Kol in Europe will help him find his fun. I know I won’t think about him being all emo in some loft in Paris. No. In my mind he’s off being his BAMF self and getting his siblings all acclimated with the times. He’ll be back. And when he is, I hope he still has his edge for sure. I mean, he’s at his best when he’s the master of all things and he must know that.
Dayna: I said this over at OCTV too, but I think this is going to force Elijah to balance his mental checkbook, as it were. Yes, he values honor and nobility, but there are some things, like protecting his family, that are of a higher imperative to him, and he needs to reconcile that within himself, because sometimes he won’t be able to afford the luxury of acting honorably. If anyone is capable of Owning His Shit, though, it’s Elijah.
Melissa: I don’t really mind Elijah sulking over his honor because that’s such a big thing with him. But I’d like to imagine that he goes and visits some wise sensai and then returns realizing that just as there is honor in revenge, there can still be honor in doing anything to protect your family. That and if he’s going to join the Elena parade, he needs to learn that she forgives everyone so he really doesn’t need to worry. But um how about he figures that out, has a little fun with Kol and then comes back to inform the rest of them that they’re leaving to be bamfs and take over the world on their own show in New York. Gossip Girl is probably ending so Rebekah can be the new Blair (with a little mopey Serena), Klaus can be Dan – writing and moping over his lost love, Kol is clearly Chuck, Finn can be Vanessa – the ugly one no one cares about – and Elijah will be Gossip Girl because he knows everything and is awesome. (ALSO, I AM CURRENTLY CAFFEINE FREE SO YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND THINK WHAT THE FUCK MELISSA.)
Christina: “Finn can be Vanessa – the ugly one no one cares about.” AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Cin: WTF, Melissa. ROFL! I’m sorry I just don’t get the GG comparisons at all. Like, each one is a reach for me at best. But it could be worse, you could be trying to compare them to that god awful OTH crap.
Melissa: I wouldn’t do that. Kol would eat the OTH characters for elevensies. And maybe the 90210 kids for second breakfast.
Spirit of Steph: LOL! I’ll say it again: The LotR/TVD crossover needs to happen!
Abby: *DIES*
Cin: ELEVENSIES!!!!!!! *falls off chair* Let’s be honest, the Original siblings would feast on any and all CW show characters. Heck, even back in the days of BtVS & Angel : dust. Human & vamps alike would be dust. I mean, they can STOMP HOLES IN THE EARTH, MELISSA!
Melissa: Alright, alright fair point. I got coffee now so I can be more intelligent. But you’re right, I love Angel and love Angelus even more and Klaus would take one look at Angelus and be all bitch please, you couldn’t come close to the kind of torture I inflict on your best day. But then Klaus would get all excited about having a mentee and he’d start teaching Angelus. Someone write that fanfic.
Cin: I need Original fanfic period. I’m going on a hunt this weekend and if it’s nothing but subpar shit – I’m going to be a very angry Cin.
Dayna: On it. It’s my 4-week hiatus project. There’s a little character sketch that’s been beating against my brain since last week’s ep that I’ll probably draft this weekend.
Cin: Squee forever!!! Make sure and let me know when you get it up. I’ll take more than an Original itch to get me out of my Roswell fanfic utopia where I have resided for the past 6 months. lol

Original Swoonage
Christina: Thank the lord, Klaus lives! Even though I didn’t really expect it to work, if Esther’s plan HAD worked… boy, he’s were going to fucking ROLL. Klaus is safe. Good. Good.
Abby: Loved Klaus’s swagger at the end. Elijah’s all noble and determined and there’s Klaus, just “SHUT UP AND LET’S GET WITH THE KILLING.” Fantastic.
Cin: Word, Abby. I was like ‘Hell to the YES!’ with Klaus being all pissy and full of vengence. And standing there with Kol & Elijah… *sigh* I really need this Original show ya’ll. (more on that laters though)
Dayna: I need to look and see who directed this episode, [it was Pascal Verschooris] because there were some things that they did with the blocking that I really, really liked. That scene with their mother was one of them. Elijah and Kol had that vampire stillness thing going on, while Klaus stalked around the outside of the circle and looked FOR ALL THE WORLD like a wolf. The visual look to that scene was amazing.
Cin: I totally agree, Dayna. There were quite a few shots in this episode where I was like ‘bravo’ and usually on this show it’s more the opposite (mostly because of the poor makeup on Somerhalder). So yeah, he’s been a producer on the show since the beginning so maybe he’s been taking mental notes on how he wanted it to look. Either way, I want him back in the directors chair for sure.
Melissa: Definitely agree Dayna. The way the director and Joseph clearly added the animalistic aspect were fantastic. Its these small bits of continuity that make me overlook other frustrating issues because there’s consistency.
Christina: Oh, god. Klaus and Caroline outside the Grill. “I’m too smart to be seduced by you.” “Well, that’s why I like you.” Passive voice again, OH GOD I CAN’T EVEN YOU GUYS THERE ARE NO WORDS AND YET SO MANY EMOTIONS AHHHHHHHH #icant The squee is too powerful. Can’t. Breathe.
Abby: They are SO adorable. And now Klaus is SO mad, because he’s not an idiot and knows he’s been played. Ugh. My heart, you guys. It’s like it goes through a blender every week.
Cin: So much word. I’m beyond even articulating how squee-worthy all of this was. It was f-ing perfect!
Melissa: I can’t even begin with Klaus and Caroline. I’ve been making posters of them to Jane Austen quotes all fucking night. I mean, oh my gosh. He wants to know her hopes and dreams. He thinks she’s stunning. KLAUS EVEN SAID (BASICALLY) THAT HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO QUIT HER. And I know he’s upset but honestly he tried to kill her twice so I really hope Caroline brings that up and is like fair is fair, I owed you an assassination attempt, I still have one left, then we’ll be even. He can forgive her and then they go off and dance and make beautiful babies.
Dayna: Were they all pictures of Caroline? I thought maybe there was a family one that included Esther that he was burning. Need to rewatch. Again. #NotAHardship
Christina: Melissa, I am totally with you, yet again. She needs to bring that shit up, and then they can live happily ever after. And fuck making “beautiful babies,” I just need them to make hot dirty sex, amiright?
Melissa: Well I meant make beautiful babies via hot dirty sex. But I guess as vampires they can’t do that so just the sex then. Not that this is ever a problem.
Spirit of Steph: Will there be more pearl necklaces?
Christina: There better be. More than you can count.

Original Spinoff
Dayna: I like what Thomas said about this ep being a back-door pilot for the spin-off. I wish I could think of a non-obnoxious way to pester the hell out of Julie Plec about this. Also: if this were to happen? This episode TOTALLY sets Elijah up as the “hero” of that show, AMIRIGHT?!!
Christina: I’m sure she knows it would be wildly successful. It’s all anyone is talking about this week! And deservedly so! THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN! We have been crying this practically ALL season!
Cin: I mean, the Elijah & Klaus are OBVIOUS, but you guys, Kol called Rebekah a ‘stumpet’ – I mean, isn’t that reason enough? Yes. Yes it is.
Abby: I thought seeing the Original siblings interacting, if only a brief glimpse, was delightful. I’d watch the hell out of that show. Kol is deliciously snarky. It’s just so fun to see them all being so…normal. And yet not normal. Am I making sense? I’m sorry. I have TOO MANY FEELINGS.
Cin: You are making total sense to me Abby. I felt the exact same way. THIS is the show I really want to see. This is the family we have all been craving. Tons of different dynamics and personalities. I mean, can I gush about Kol for just a second: He is like soooooooo the Damon of the Original Spinoff, but even better because like he’s a nasty dirty sexy boy. Damon has always been playful and occasionally dirty, but Kol is just nast-ay. And I need that shit in my life. [Melissa: ME TOO. I NEED IT BAD.] And Elijah *sigh*, Elijah is like the sensible smart one keeping everybody alive with his mind and his awesomeness. Klaus is the spoiled brat who gets them into trouble but is also their most powerful weapon to get them out. I even buy into Rebekah now. Her moment with the gasoline was f-ing brilliant. Plus she holds her own pretty well with her brothers and it just all works on so many levels.
Melissa: Ya’ll could just pester the hell out of Mark Pedowitz for the spinoff. And yes, Abby you make perfect sense. Just the comedy of it all was great. And its like they can push the boundaries of inappropriate sibling behavior because they’ve got 1000 years of being around each other. They’re going to push the buttons more than most. And Klaus clearly loves all of his siblings (except Finn) [Christina: HAHAHA does ANYONE besides Esther love him? So sad.] so just the whole banter and snark and affection thing is amazing. I GET YOU AND SHARE YOUR FEELINGS.
Dayna: I finally felt a little, tiny flicker of liking for Kol with the “This house has too many men rolling around in it.” “Just like you, sister!” exchange. Bwah! I find it hilarious that it wasn’t so much that Kol was this billy-badass that made Elijah and Klaus pale at him being undaggered, it was what a complete, unmitigated DICK he is. Awesome.
Abby: Seriously. Here we all were fretting about him destroying everything and the truth is that nobody wanted to put up with the obnoxious little brother. HILARIOUS.
Christina: Haha, Cole is a loose canon. And I bet he was a tattletale when he was younger. I bet Cole’s the one who alerted Mikael to the fact that Elijah and Klaus were sword fighting, the little shit. Ruin all our fun.
Cin: Hey, I happen to love that Cole/Kol is a little shit. Honestly, if someone is going be bratty, at least they can be dirty about it. Plus he’s so yummy. God, I want to climb him like a f-ing tree!
Melissa: Last week told us that Kol was older than Rebekah right? So Klaus is the middle child. But in a way, I get the feeling that Kol acts out because he doesn’t get the attention of his siblings. Sure they go out drinking but when it comes to serious conversations, Kol is clearly the odd man out. (Of the younger four. Finn’s “I want to be just like Daddy” attitude means he just doesn’t belong). Seems like it explains a lot about Kol. But I do agree that its kind of funny that he wasn’t so much awesomely badass as he is just an ass. Though he does still seem potentially badass. And he thinks Caroline’s hot so it works for me. DEAR ORIGINAL SPINOFF, PLEASE TAKE CAROLINE WITH YOU.
Cin: YES!!! If they take Caroline with them though I’ll have no need for anything else on TVD… Then again, part of the problem with the Originals being on TVD is that they have overshadowed every other character. We have been saying this all year, like, why are the Salvatores alive? They could snap them like twigs. Why would Klaus ‘need’ Rippah Stefan? I mean, I never think we got a clear picture on that – he’s the Hybrid King. Why would he need a blood crazed regular vampire henchman? They have created these rich awesome characters with so much potential, but in the framework of TVD they are almost TOO rich and big. And in they have overshadowed the regular characters. To do away with them would be insanity because the fandom would like, literally, have a bunch of baby ducklings — but they have GOT to have a solution as to why the rest of the show works now. The only way to really do that is to spin off. It’s a win win.
Dayna: PREACH!
Christina: Cin, Klaus had his blood-crazed regular vampire henchman Stefan because they were friends once, and we all know how Klaus is hard up for some friends. It was a companion he could compel, which is so sad. But now that he knows Caroline, I think she could be his non-compelled companion and everything will be peachy!
Cin: True, but do they really ‘need’ any of TVD characters (Caroline not included)? No. They don’t. Klaus is lonely no longer. He has proper playmates and I’m sorry, but that dirty little brother Kol is just so much more fun than Rippah Stefan. I loved the Rippah, but he was messy and still a bit brooding. Plus you had that whole side of ‘still can’t trust him’ to contend with.
Melissa: I want all the Originals together but hell, if Gillies filming means he has to show up a little late to the party, I would watch the hell out of Caroline, Klaus and Kol partying their way through Europe.
Cin: That’s the spirit! Original mayhem FTW!

Mama’s Plan
Abby: A thousand years of watching from The Other Side and she STILL based her plan on the reliability of Bennett Witches? Damn, Esther. I mean, I’m glad, because I don’t want that plan to work…but DAMN.
Christina: You would think that she, more than anyone, would have seen how crap they are, haha.
Dayna: Just goes to show that experience does not equate wisdom.
Christina: I’m actually really shocked at how poorly the planned worked. The set up was kind of cool, and I was pretty nervous that it was going to work, but damn. Oh, and when the Salvatores & Co. figured out how to diffuse her bomb… and she and DPR just sort of… disappeared? WTF was that shit? How fucking EASY was that? It was too easy, if you ask me. I don’t like, you guys. I don’t like it, and I don’t trust it, and it was just too fucking easy. Did I miss something?
Dayna: I think Mama and Finn are regrouping. Like, the siblings ARE still all linked; that hasn’t been undone. What Mama lost was her power line. She was drawing power from the Bennett bloodline, living and dead. But by turning Abby, Damon snapped the powerline, so now the only power Mama has access to is Bonnie. And that’s not going to be enough to get it done. The threat is most definitely still out there though; the link is still in place, and that leaves the door open for Esther to return with some other power supply to try again in the future.
Christina: Well, shit. Now I’m CONVINCED I’m watching (or not watching) a different show than everyone else because I didn’t realize they willingly disappeared at all. BUT that makes a lot of sense. Though, if Bonnie is her only connection to power, she is fucked! HAHAHAHA.
Dayna: Same way Elijah vanished with Klaus in “As I Lay Dying;” Finn grabbed Mama and sped out of there. Gotta leave an ongoing threat arc to start their own series with. I WILL wish it into being.
Christina: Oh, they vampsped away. I thought they just *POOF* disappeared. Also, you are so right. They gotta leave an opening for the spinoff!
Melissa: I was totally confused by how Finn & Mama got away too. I kept thinking they sent her back to the other side but I guess they were just stopping the spell. Those scenes were almost too fast. Although on the whole reliability of Bennett witches, technically Mama Original was just siphoning their power (and their ancestors’ power) so clearly she knew better than to actually let them do anything. Esther just forgot to take into account that the Salvatore brothers like to get creative.
Christina: When are people going to stop underestimating them? They’re pretty, but they’re not (always) dumb.
Melissa: And they listen. Those little lines that seem throw away to a lot of viewers (although not us because we obsess over everything) are exactly the kind of secrets and loopholes that the Salvatores remember.
Cin: I just rewatched. When she felt the power line from the Bennetts surge, Finn did vamp them out of dodge. So yeah, they are regrouping. What sucks about that is, that’s even more reason why the Original siblings should have stuck together. Then again, all of the daggers are accounted for in MF — or at least they f-ing should all be in Klaus’ possession now — so there is no way to really hurt them enough to incapacitate them. Unless there is. I missed how Momma O was planning on actually doing the group murdering? The dagger was all Damon.
Melissa: Oooh yeah that’s right now Klaus has all the daggers. Good. Damon’s too young to play with sharp objects. However on Mama O’s side, she was planning on turning them human, then killing them. The spell would take away their vampire nature. Then they could be killed. & the link would take out Klaus because his werewolf nature would still be around but I guess the link spell could overcome it. I’m still a little fuzzy on that but it was turn to human, then kill. But also now they can be killed (dead forever killed) because of the white oak ash tree that Rebekah learned about from the cave. Which really Alaric? You couldn’t figure out translating that shit by now?
Cin: Turn them human?!? That’s super fucking lame! Stupid tree. And yeah, there is just speculation of a tree right now, but you know, DRAMA.
Melissa: Yeah I guess it is just speculation of a tree. Wouldn’t they have noticed it by now though if the tree is just hanging out in Mystic Falls? Though you know its just going to end up being that there’s only one stake left. Stupid. I also think the whole human thing is lame but if it only comes up as part of Esther’s first try in the mommy murder mystery, and isn’t brought up again without some serious explanation, I can make my peace with it. But I wasn’t real happy with the whole spell thing period. It felt like it moved too quickly and was resolved too fast for all the hype put into the episode.

Counter Attack Shenanigans
Dayna: Color ME impressed that Elijah came up with that plan so quickly. “Hmm, mom wants to completely screw us.” Foot-stomp, Elena kidnapping powers activate! (TM Thomas Galvin)
Christina: Haha!
Cin: He’s Elijah, Dayna. #duh. He knows that the only way to control anything in this town is via Saint Elena, so he went for the jugular. Reeling in Rebekah was smart. I just wonder if he didn’t ask Kol to keep Klaus occupied so he wouldn’t be gumming up his works.
Dayna: No, Klaus and Kol went to the Grill before Elijah’s tete-a-tete with Elena.
Cin: True, BUT before he even went to Elena’s he had gotten Rebekah on board. I think he was waiting until all of his siblings fell into place and he could move them how & where they needed to be before he activated via Foot-Stomp of BAMFdom.
Dayna: He was certainly suspicious but I don’t know if even he suspected just how far Esther was willing to go. Once he got things rolling, though… OMG, how awesome was he, sitting all calmly in front of the Salvatore fireplace and telling them how shit was gonna be?
Cin: But he had Rebekah in the underground lair already. She was set to go with the plan, so he very well could have had Kol up to speed as well. But YES! The Masterpiece Theater moment in front of the fireplace was magical and OMG! I totally swooned big f-ing time.
Abby: Amen. Elijah could spend all his time sitting in elegant chairs making threats and I would watch it. Hell, I’d buy the DVDs.
Cin: I’d buy the DVDs, marathon them and throw parties. ELIJAH PARTIES YA’LL!!! [Dayna: I. Am. So. THERE.]
Christina: Ain’t no party like an Elijah party. Hey! Ho!
Dayna: Elena was unconscious for a while. My assumption was that during that time was when Elijah got Rebekah over there.
Cin: You could be right, I need to rewatch, but even so I think Elijah had most of his ducks in a row before he ever looked Elena in the eye that morning. He had a clear mission that’s for sure. I can’t imagine what she could have said that would have stopped him from trying to save himself and his siblings, and he knew she was the only way to do it.
Dayna: Part of me wonders how he might have approached things if she had taken the opportunity their little jaunt offered to come clean. Because that’s exactly what I think he was doing: giving her the chance to ‘fess up. If she had, would he have asked her to play along with his plan, rather than kidnapping her and giving the Salvatores the ultimatum?
Cin: That is true, but he led her to that spot, he had to have had his ‘plan’ in motion. And even after she was found out by him he knew he had to carry through because in order for the Original siblings to get out of this mess he knew he needed leverage. There is no leverage in MF greater than Elena f-ing Gilbert. So yeah, no matter the outcome, he was going to use her. It all boiled down to how cooperative she would be – and knowing that offing witches was involved he had to know that she wouldn’t take the easy road.
Melissa: Someone on twitter mentioned that Elijah must have seen the sage (which I didn’t notice or think of – sorry my brain was full of Klaroline) and been suspicious. So yeah he had to have had his plan ready to go either way. Though I bet he always planned on dropping Elena into the cave. She said she wished she could could help and he foot stomped like a mother fucking badass and dumped her in it. I think Elijah’s also known that while everyone is all “save Elena”, the Salvatore boys also aren’t big fans of Bonnie, so they really would find a way to get shit done. THOUGH THEY COULD HAVE JUST KILLED THE BENNETTS.
Dayna: Yeah, he showed the sage to Rebekah, who at that point seemed intent on dismissing it (denial much?) but he knew Mama was up to SOMETHING.

Let The Wrong One Live
Christina: You guys. I. Am. Pissed. Damon, goddamit. Why did you have to turn Abby into a vampire? Not only does that mean that she’s going to fucking survive, and thus probably still be around (though, god I hope Bonnie hates her guts because of it — because that would SO be something Bonnie would do: hate someone because of something they can’t control)… but he fucking DIDN’T GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING KILL THAT CUNTWEASEL BONNIE. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #RAGEBLACKOUT
Dayna: I didn’t think they would actually allow Bonnie to be killed, but I DID hope for a fraction of a second.
Christina: Oh, I didn’t expect it to happen either, but a girl can DREAM, Dayna! A GIRL CAN DREAM!
Abby: I think it would’ve been more powerful if they’d killed off both witches, or taken Bonnie’s powers. I feel like this is a recycle of Grams’ death. I did love how smart the Salvatores were about the whole thing, though. It didn’t occur to me to make anyone a vampire. Smart boys!
Melissa: Okay I really need to talk about this but I need to have like a semi-serious talk because I’m trying to make sure this all makes sense in my head. And I’m hoping that ya’ll’s excitement over Elijah & Klaus being alive has you in a good enough mood to set aside a teensy bit of “die, Bonnie, die” syndrome. Anyway, I feel like the show would have been smarter if they had killed Bonnie (and Abby). Not in a sense of just get rid of her but for the sake of the show. There’s obviously a problem with the way black people are being portrayed on the show. EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT IT. There’s a problem with the way Bonnie’s been written on the show. EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT THAT. Even Kat Graham, in the occasional interview I read, seems to be frustrated with the whole situation. And I don’t think this is really something that TVD can fix but more importantly (and sadly worse), I don’t think its something they care about fixing. So there’s a part of me that thinks it would have made more sense to simply kill Bonnie. Yes there would be a severe backlash but then we move on. It just seems like maybe the show would be better served to just cut the character rather than keep trying to tell us why she’s important. At this point, no matter who played Bonnie, the character has been so decimated that I don’t see most people caring. For the sake of the show, I think she needs to die. Maybe she can have a better story on the other side.
Dayna: I totally agree with you, Melissa. It would have had more impact AND would have addressed the issues you bring up.
Christina: Thank you assuming that I’m a good enough person to let my Elijah and Klaus squee allow me set aside my DBD syndrome. You’re so sweet . Sadly, I’m not. BUT, I will say that I TOTALLY agree with you, Melissa. The reasons I want her dead are twofold: 1) I HATE HER STINKING GUTS, 2) Everything that you just said. The reason I hate Bonnie so much is the way she’s written. She has been pretty useless the entire series. She started out with a purpose, but then she just got holier than thou, which annoys the shit out of me, and now she’s only halfway good at anything she tries. AND SHE GODDAMN WHINES ABOUT IT. She is such a waste of focus on this show, and I don’t think there’s any coming back from what she’s become. They should have killed her too. Or hell, have her crash her car if they don’t want to blame it on anyone. But she needs to go. Then Kat Graham can concentrate on whatever it is that she does, and the rest of us can rejoice because Bonnie is no longer taking away screen time from someone who’s actually worth a damn.
Abby: Agreed. It’s the elephant in the room for sure. At this point, I feel like no matter what the show does about Bonnie, it’s in trouble with the fans, they’ve completely painted themselves into a corner. Honestly, I’m not sure what Bonnie adds to the story anymore as a character, except magic, self-righteousness, and another ‘my life is terrible’ storyline.
Christina: Look, Bonnie. Matty’s life is terrible too, and you don’t see HIM complaining. Word, Abby. She adds nothing. I kind of just want to climb into the TV and strangle her myself. OH! AND I ALMOST FORGOT! The fact that Bonnie is mad at Elena makes me LOL. Because Elena had Abby killed. God, Bonnie is the worst.
Melissa: Question. Not that we really care about the Bennetts but do we have any suspicion that a witch becoming a vampire will have different issues than a human becoming one? I don’t so much care about the Bennett’s feelings but I would be interested in repercussions for the hasty actions.
Christina: Well, they all seem to be convinced that if you’re a witch and you become a vampire, that you’re not a witch anymore. I would not at all be surprised if this turned out to be completely wrong. However, if they make Abby something more than just a vampire… so much aggravation. There is no need for this crap. I’m still disappointed that Damon didn’t just flat out kill her and her useless daughter.
Melissa: I don’t want her to be more than just a vampire, I want her to be a vampire with issues. If we have to see the storyline, I need more consequences than just another vampire on the show.

Original Sin
Melissa: Um, so Kol totally made the closest this show will ever get to a #rollinginthedeep joke right?
Dayna: I was so not into him, but if he wants to just hang around for the Original series (Gillies’ title-of-choice) to play the role of resident snark-master, I’m A-OK with that. He can be that show’s Damon. Someone has to get the awesome one-liners.
Cin: As I mentioned above, he said called her a ‘strumpet’. Kol WINS!
Abby: I like Kol. He probably Originated the “I’m not touching you!” game. On the very first car trip in the very first car, he was probably sitting in the back saying “Are we there yet?” over and over. I’m amazed Klaus didn’t dagger him until the 1900s. I mean, how many times has a sibling wanted to stuff his annoying little brother in a box and shut the lid?
Melissa: Didn’t Rebekah hint a while ago that she’s been daggered more than a few times over the centuries? I bet the same thing happened to Kol.
Abby: Awesome. So that’s where the concept of “time out” comes from.
Dayna: Since we’re in the ‘Sin’ section, can we talk for a second about just how much time/how many conversations Alaric and Elena seem to have about one or the other of their sex lives? Seriously, how is this not creepy?
Melissa: SO MUCH THIS. Those two need to stop it. For all the teasing between Kol & Rebekah, he didn’t ask her how it was. BOUNDARIES ELENA AND ALARIC.
Christina: Maybe Ernesto Riley/Kushitomo Fucky’s side-story about them being secret lovers isn’t so far off, then? Which first of all, please don’t go there, show. It’s funny to see him joke about it on Twitter, but I really don’t want to see that, for various reasons. 1) He’s her teacher, and just… I’m tired of it. 2) Elena’s vagina cannot be THAT goddamn magical. So, let’s just chalk it up to the both of them just being over-sharers and just tune them out, like I do. I mean, I only vaguely remember this happening, haha.

The Salmatores
Dayna: Aaaaaand, back comes boring, emo Stefan. Yawn. That said, I liked the scenes we got with the brothers tonight. While on the face of it it’s a step backward to Damon-the-bad-guy, that’s really not the case. No eating random strangers on the roadside this time because Elena hurt his feelings; yes, he boffed Rebekah, but I’m cool with that. Elena has no claim on his fidelity. His feelings are functioning, but they’re not choking him anymore. I love this Damon. Yeah, I said it!
Spirit of Steph: Preach!!
Abby: I’m so sad about Stefan’s return to animal blood. I want him to stay badass forever. I’m a little annoyed with both brothers, honestly, we’re having way too much emo stuff with them. I mean, who the hell takes the time to toss a coin and have a deep discussion about love and honor when you’ve got very limited time to stop a magic ritual before the world’s oldest Mean Girl torches your girlfriend? Get with it, Salvatores! Stop this soul baring crap! A little of that goes a long way, and we’re getting way too much.
Melissa: I don’t understand Stefan’s return to animal blood actually. I too want him to stay badass but even before he went ripper, he was trying to learn to balance a human blood diet. It made him stronger and a better vampire. So I don’t understand this whole let’s send him to rehab and make him emo and bring him back to animal blood. I HAVE SEEN THIS STORY BEFORE ON THIS VERY SHOW. Ugh. Then there’s Damon who I partially appreciate better. I liked what Julie said about how Damon isn’t lashing out at the closest target, he’s focusing his anger. I mean yeah I think Rebekah was slightly a case of being right there but it is also a way to hurt Elena. And that’s growth. That’s not snapping Jeremy or Alaric’s neck. But both of them are emo, lovesick, and boring. There are more discussions of their emotions than a Dr. Phil segment on Oprah in the 90s. IT IS ABSURD.
Dayna: Now I suddenly want to see the Salvatores on the Dr. Phil show. Maybe the Winchesters could join them. It could be a show on dysfunctional sibling co-dependence or some shit.
Melissa: Heh. I’d watch that. Oh man and then beyond the My Chemical Romance soundtrack that now plays in my head whenever I see the Salvatore brothers together (not a good soundtrack), I’m raving pissed at them for their whole flip a coin for Elena shit. Because if Elena doesn’t see this stuff and get a chance to tell them off and make sure they know good and well that she is not a toy to be scheduled for certain days of the week and can’t be picked by them, then it just ends up being scenes that turn the Salvatores into chauvinistic pigs. And I don’t like that for either of them. Both Damon and Stefan have been better than that. Stefan because he isn’t actually that much of an asshole and Damon because he’s usually too much of an asshole to care. I have a lot of rage in me regarding this topic.
Christina: As much as I hate on Elena, I can get behind this argument. It’s disgusting that they treat her like that when they supposedly love her. And this just makes me wonder if their love for her really isn’t pure like they insist it is, and really a leftover of the Katherine lust. I mean, this wouldn’t be too far off, and I wouldn’t be surprised at all to hear that this is the truth. At this point, I could give a shit about this love triangle. Give me Klaus and Caroline. And Elijah. That is all I need. I still love Stefan to death, but the triangle is so tired. And good, they both pick NOT Elena. Good for them. OH, and about Damon playing more emotionally with Elena than doing something like snapping Jeremy’s neck — I LIKE this new Damon. I like that he realizes that he can be much more calculated and fuck with someone more than doing something spontaneously that will hurt them. I mean, ugh. I like that Damon is doing this because it makes him so much more interesting, but at the same time, it’s horrible. Long-drawn out emotional torture blows, dude. But it makes Damon more interesting. Does that make he a horrible person?
Dayna: I liked it because it’s not just about him doing something to hurt her. Sure, I’m certain that deep down he WANTED it to be hurtful to her, but in a way it also puts some of the onus of whatever is between them on Elena, too. Unlike just turning around and snapping her brother’s neck, Elena has to be a somewhat willing participant in the dynamic between them. She has no right to be angry with him for sleeping with someone else. If she is angry and jealous, then she needs to own her part in the relationship.
Melissa: I’m not just sick of the triangle, I’m sick of the redundancy of the triangle. [Christina: Preach.][Cin: WORD!] We get it. Elena likes both boys and at barely 18 isn’t sure which one she likes best. Damon and Stefan love Elena, pretend they don’t, want to be better for her and love each other best of all. WE’VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE. I can be invested in the triangle if I get something new out of it. And yes, I like the idea of a Damon who is manipulating Elena’s feelings maliciously rather than randomly. Because that feels like Damon to me. It feels like a vampire. So I don’t like when he joins in the flip a coin business because it puts his emo brood by the fireplace attitude right back in the forefront. Let him be the asshole we all know and love.

Girlfriend Triangle
Melissa: I have a need to talk about the Elena/Caroline/Bonnie scenes. I was really happy about the first scene between the three girls when they were working on the sage spell. The girlfriend time is one of my favorite things about the show, even more than the brother dynamic. (not more than the Originals though obviously). But the second scene, with Bonnie not wanting to talk to Elena, that had me frustrated. Its just on the one hand, I get it. Like Caroline said, people choose to help Elena and they end up hurt. And that’s not easy so Elena needs to face that. But at the same time Bonnie needs to face the fact that she’s not the only one hurt in these schemes. No one in Mystic Falls has had a normal life in the last year. Bonnie’s not the odd man out. Which of course makes me want to rant at Bonnie. But then I get annoyed at the show because rather than really let us in on Bonnie’s pain (like we should’ve gotten when Grams died) it becomes about how Elena’s feelings are hurt. I had the same issue a couple weeks ago when rather than see Caroline with her dad, we just hear about how Elena doesn’t want to lose more family. I get that Elena’s a centerpoint to the show but if we’re supposed to be invested in other characters, we need the time with them. On top of that, I still have to remind myself sometimes of just how much Elena’s lost (because she too has lost a lot in the last year). Gosh this is a long thought. Okay so I have issues with how the show is writing the dynamic. But more importantly, I have concerns about the girls. I feel like they need to have like a girls spa weekend and hash out a lot of these issues. Take ownership of their actions and choices and move on. And it pisses me off that the show is just making Caroline mediate rather than really dig into these problems. I probably have more to say but I’ll let ya’ll throw stuff in before I get there.
Christina: I have a lot of thoughts on this too (when don’t I? haha). First you have the Caroline in the middle thing. Caroline has a LOT OF SHIT to deal with right now, and I hate that she’s stuck in the middle of this shit. She’s basically telling Elena everything that Bonnie needs to fucking get off her ass, woman up and tell to Elena her own damn self. Speaking of, and I mentioned this somewhere else in the reactions… probably in the Bonnie section… one of the things that bothers me the most about her is that she fucking WHINES ABOUT HER PITY PARTY LIFE. And it’s not like she is the only one suffering, like you said. Matt has a shitty life. His father is who knows, his mother is MIA, and his sister is DEAD. He goes to school, supports himself by busing tables at the Grill, AND he still manages to get dragged into this shit. Elena lost her entire family. Her parents died, and then her REAL parents died, and then she sent her brother/cousin to Colorado. And now all she has left is Alaric the Alcoholic, who is currently obsessed with a psycho and shot and/or possibly dead. Other people have goddamn problems, Bonnie. The only — THE ONLY — time I ever shed a tear for Bonnie was back in Season 1 when Grams died. That fucking sucked, man. But ever since then — and I’m not saying I wouldn’t feel resentment too — but ever since then, she has been… such a bitch. Sorry for stating it like that, but she has been in full-on pity party mode since then. And sometimes she’s okay, sometimes she likes Elena, sometimes she’s on a homicidal streak trying to kill the Salvatores, sometimes I think maybe she liked Damon, sometimes she’s friends with everyone again, sometimes she hates her mom, and now she fucking hates Elena because the mom she hated two days ago got turned into a vampire — something that Elena had nothing to do with?! I HATE HER SO FUCKING MUCH. UGHHHHHHHH. Sorry. JESUS I didn’t know I had that in me, haha. And Elena — well, Elena with her magical vagina DOES get people involved in things trying to help her and they get hurt. It’s not totally her fault, though. And she does make the effort to sacrifice herself, though lord knows I’m tired of Saint Elena, Martyr of Mystic Falls.
Melissa: I love you right now. And again, this is why the writers are pissing me off about Bonnie. If Caroline bitches, I cheer for her. If Elena bitches, I don’t necessarily cheer but I do take the time to figure out why Elena reacts that way. If Bonnie bitches I just hate her. And that’s not fair to the character and its not fair to us as viewers. I am quite certain that a big part of the reason I hate Bonnie is because I never get to see her pain. At this point, I don’t give a flying fuck about Bonnie’s pain but I’m smart enough to realize that’s the show’s fault. Every single time we could get insight into Bonnie, she’s taken offscreen. And as a result I can’t stand her. It really pisses me off to be in this situation. (Though I’ll never fully forgive her for her treatment of Caroline in the beginning of S2 because that can’t be excused by a family death). I’m not trying in any way to be a Bonnie fan but I’m really fucking pissed that the show keeps trying to act like we should care when we’ve never been given the scenes to get there. And then on Elena. I mean ya’ll know I like Elena. The girl has been through a lot of shit. I’m torn though. On the one hand, I’m reminded that Elena doesn’t ask people to help her all the time. She’s resourceful and self-sacrificing to the point of extremes if necessary. She doesn’t sit on a throne and tell people to do anything and sacrifice everything to save her. That’s not who Elena is. But at the same time, Jeremy’s departure brought up a good point that I wish Elena would consider. Jeremy said he wanted to leave Mystic Falls and she told him he should. And then Jeremy was like I can’t actually leave you alone and in danger. And that’s what Elena needs to start thinking about. Yes, she’s making her own choices and no she’s not asking people to help her but these are her friends and family. People who love you don’t just leave you to face life, or danger, on your own. They stick by you. And it seems like Elena needs to start processing the fact that by choosing to stay mixed up with the vampires, she is inadvertently forcing her loved ones to be involved. These things have to be dealt with and it feels like they start with her girlfriends. AND I STILL NEED ELENA TO APOLOGIZE FOR NOT GETTING CAROLINE AWAY FROM DAMON SOONER. UGH.
Christina: Well, that’s why she sent Jeremy to Colorado. To GET him away from this situation. So even though she used shady methods (compulsion), she did it for the right reasons. Ugh, now I sound like an Elena fan when really I don’t like her, haha. My problem is just that it’s the same story every time: Elena the Martyr. I’m just tired of it, and her self-righteousness (though Bonnie’s is worse). That’s why I just need Originals + Caroline ALL THE TIME.
Melissa: Originals and Caroline would be perfection. I’m actually really on board with Elena’s reasoning for getting Jeremy out. I even said in a blog post that she was supporting his real choice to get away. But she can’t compel everyone. So I want there to be a moment of her understanding that she is asking for a sacrifice from her friends. She doesn’t have to stop asking, just acknowledge what she is doing. And I want the self-righteousness to stick to being directed towards the Salvatores. She wants to fuck with them more power to her. THEY LET HER. ITS PATHETIC. I thought she had every right to get on Damon’s case after he slept with Rebekah because she knows him, she knows that no matter what he says, he’ll jump when she says jump. So that self-righteousness? Totally earned because the Salvatores give it to her hand over fist. But the self-righteousness towards her friends? That has to go. I want these girlfriend issues (and deeper underlying issues) resolved now because when Caroline starts dating Klaus, Bonnie & Elena are going to go off on her and I simply won’t stand for that.
Christina: Exactly. Which is why I hate Bonnie and Elena. Just leave me Caroline and Klaus (and Elijah). I’ll be happy

Serial Killers
Melissa: Ugh ya’ll. I am just so disappointed at the idea that Meredith is the serial killer. Not that I had to be right with my theory (which apparently I need to read more spoilers) but this is just so blah. People have been wanting Meredith since the beginning and she’s a random serial killer? I’m not saying we all had to fall in love with her but why does she have to be so on the other scale of things? I’m just really not happy about this.
Christina: I’m really disappointed too. Mostly I’m disappointed over the fact that there IS a serial killer at all because of all the things this town DOESN’T need… But as soon as she said to Ric at the Grill “Does he still think I’m a psycho killer” or whatever she said, I thought “Welp, it’s official. Because whenever someone says something dismissive like that, it means they are definitely the serial killer.” I want more Originals. I don’t need another killer. I think it would have been more interested if it were Kathi. Because then we’d be like, “WTF is this crazy bitch up to now?!” But instead we’re just like “Oh, great,” all sarcastic-like.
Cin: I totally agree. It’s just lame and boring. And SUCH a waste of book Meredith. The fact that she’s a Fell should have been our first clue that lameness would follow. Well, that and she was cavorting with Ric. lol
Dayna: I’m so confused by this serial killer thing. And the killing Alaric is getting totally ridiculous. I’m seriously going to start calling him Kenny.
Abby: Honestly? I don’t care about the serial kill storyline. I just don’t. I’m not invested in it. I’m not even all that concerned about Alaric, he’s been so sidelined that apart from the occasional snarkfests with Damon and getting killed a lot, he doesn’t do much. In some ways I think it might be easier if the show cut down on characters, so we could get more about storylines that are working well and less sideline stuff. There’s probably some kind of grand plan going on, but I have a bit of plot exhaustion right now.
Dayna: The only way I was going to care about this storyline was if it turned out that ALARIC was doing the killings during his blackouts. And I suppose it could still go that way, but it’s looking bleak. Therefore, me-no-likey.
Christina: It would be AWESOME if Alaric finally snapped and he was doing the killings himself. But I’m with you, Abby. There are so many characters and so many storylines that just don’t matter anymore. Or at least I don’t feel like they matter. I love Alaric, and I really don’t want him to die, but the whole “OMG ALARIC MIGHT DIE!” is getting old. I know one of these times his ring isn’t going to save him, but it makes me more sad that we’ve played this game before than sad that he got hurt yet again. Caroline should just kill Meredith. Take her out. End it. Perfect. Done and resolved.
Melissa: What sucks too is that even if it had been a character we were more invested with, its hard to care in the face of the Originals. [Cin: RIGHT?!? That’s what I’m screamin!] Technically, that’s just a problem all around for the show right now. The Originals are great but they are so great that it detracts from the main characters. And so with this whole psycho killer thing, my thoughts tend to be yeah, yeah, whatever, go back to Klaus & Kol boys nights. I just think that we need to have closure on the Originals first. Figure out a way to wrap up Klaus & Elena’s storyline so they can make some sort of deal and let the Originals move on to a spinoff. I mean, I hate the idea of the Originals leaving but they really have to if anyone is going to be able to be invested in a storyline about a serial killer or really any character that isn’t Caroline or Ripper Stefan (RIP).
Dayna: It’s true. Having them on one show is stifling both (all) of the storylines, and it’s doing a disservice to ALL of the characters. My biggest fear if they try to move the Originals out and onto their own show NOW is that TVD fandom-proper will feel cheated because Elena and Co. don’t get to ultimately defeat (i.e. kill) Klaus. I’m not sure it would feel like much of a closure if all they do is get him to leave Mystic Falls, and if Kevin and Julie are afraid of a backlash from that then it could quash any realistic optioning of an Originals spinoff. Shit. I don’t want to be realistic here. Someone slap me!
Melissa: *SLAP*. But I get what you’re saying. This is why I liked the idea of Mama O or a bigger evil stepping in. I feel like if there can be an enemy that forces the Originals & MF Scoobies to work together, in the end a deal could be worked out. Like maybe Elena realizes that having the Originals on her side to protect her (as the doppelganger of the magical golden vagina) is a good thing so she makes a deal with Klaus. Once a year he gets a blood bag (it obviously doesn’t take much to turn a hybrid) and in return, they leave but she can call them if needed. I know on paper that feels like a really nice tidy bow but I feel like with the right hardfought battle beforehand, it could work out in the end. Plus at this point the Salvatores haven’t defeated the Originals yet. I have a hard time imagining a believable way they’ll be able to do that.

From the Tweetosphere
@B_inShortsville: Boring-twin powers activate!
@thomascgalvin: Stefan, *this* is not the time to start having feelings and regrets and shit. Shut up, fang out, and kill yourself a Bennet. #TVD
@Snowballx: GOD DAMMIT ELENA! U DUMB BITCH! #TVD
@thomascgalvin: This episode is basically a backdoor pilot to Originals: The Series, right? #TVD #MakeItHappen #iHaveKnives
@B_inShortsville: Gasoline doesn’t need an invitation. #TVD
@thomascgalvin: Elijah is a prince and if you touch him I will cut you. #TVD
@JBALAN: Wait…it’s Elena’s fault? Bonnie…you’re an idiot. Ugh.
@PhantomRat: A hand written note of apology? Elijah *is* Emily Post.
@speedmouse If there were a weekly drinking game entirely based on [Elena] making smart moves, I’d be sober as a nun on Sunday every Thursday.
@onlymystory: REBEKAH IS CALLING OUT ELENA’S MAGICAL GOLDEN VAGINA. CAN WE KEEP HER FOREVER?
@CharWright5: An eternity of shame? Wtf did you do, Dread Pirate Roberts?! #TVD @theSBH
@dieslaughing: PISSED ELIJAH IS THE BEST THING EVER. FOR REAL, YOU GUYS. #SWOON #TVD
@clrumbaugh: Bonnie. You were already dead to me. Now you’re deader than dead. You’re final dead to me. #TVD
@cinjudes: They are making Elijah impart mishistorification! I. CAN’T. #TVD #Elijah
@theSBH I’ll tell you what sword I’d like to see Elijah weild. #waitwhat #tvd

Unfortunately Cin couldn’t be with us for this reaction post as she had to drive to Nashville — too bad she doesn’t have one of those magical TVD portkeys! — so she’s only here with us in spirit. But don’t worry. I fully expect an EXTREMELY long comment from her at some point.

Here we go!

Main Players: (Spirit of) Cin, Christina and Abby (SBH staff); Dayna, Melissa, Erin and Stephanie (SBH contributors and friends).

“Fondly, Klaus”
Christina: I can’t handle it! I can’t handle the goddamn adorableness of Klaus fucking FANCYING Caroline!
Spirit of Cin: I. KNOW! He told her he fancied her and enjoyed her! CHRIST! He gave her a drawing of her and a horse. I SHIP THEM SO GORRAM HARD!!!!!
Christina: ME FUCKING TOO! GOD! I mean, how did he KNOW that she was Miss Mystic Falls? The way he looked at her. The way… Jesus… the way he looked after she told him what was what, that he doesn’t try to understand people because he’s got some abandonment issues for real. And then the way he GAVE HER THAT DRAWING OMG THE SWOONAGE IS TOO HIGH DANGER DANGER MELTDOWN IMMINENT! GAAAAAHHHHH.
Spirit of Cin: I’M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!
Abby: HE DREW HER A PONY. CAROLINE AND A PONY. YOU GUYS, I JUST CAN’T. HE’S LIKE PERFECTION WRAPPED IN HOMICIDE AND I WILL LOVE HIM FOREVER AND EVER.
Christina: “Perfection wrapped in homicide.” JESUS, Abby. I love you so much, hahahahaha. Also, YES. Klaus just needs a fucking hug, and Caroline is just the person to give IT to him, don’t you think? Well, he needs more than that, but. I ship them. I ship them hard.
Stephanie: OMG Y’ALL! I WANT KLAUS TO DRAW ME PRETTY PICTURES. SERIOUSLY I JUST CAN’T. I WAS A PUDDLE OF MUSH EVERY TIME HE OPENED HIS FANCY MOUTH. ‘I FANCY YOU’?! I DIE.
Christina: ME TOOOOOO. Every time he opened that FANCY mouth of his. Even though I was alone, I was all, “SHUT UP HE’S SPEAKING!”
Stephanie: lol. Me too! I literally held my breath so I didn’t miss a single word that he uttered from those perfect lips. Seriously, how was Caroline NOT ripping off her dress and just telling him to take her especially after he offered to show her Europe?!
Christina: I don’t even fucking know. I can’t fathom wanting to be clothed around him after that either. I mean, JESUS. You know, I don’t quite know what it is about these two, but they drive me so bonkers with the thought of them being together. I ship them harder than anyone else I’ve ever shipped on this show.
Stephanie: WORD. SO MUCH DAMN WORD.
Dayna: I really liked how all of that played out. I would have been disappointed if Caroline had just swooned into Klaus’s arms after everything. The whole thing was perfection, from Klaus’s twitterpation to Caroline rolling her eyes and shutting him down to the screeching-record sound when she got his note and drawing in the jewelry box instead of the bracelet back. Absolute perfection. And I’m amused that, after 1000 years, Klaus really has NO game with the ladies.
Abby: Except us. Because Klaus has ALL THE GAME with us. ALL OF US. Except Caroline.
Christina: You’re absolutely right. I would have momentarily been please if she was like “TAKE ME KLAUS!” but in the long run, this is much better. Everything was just perfectly executed. And I guess Klaus doesn’t really have game because he’s been more concerned with other things for those 1000 years. Though you know he’s hella charming when he wants to be. He can turn it on and off. We’ve seen him do this. Like a fucking SWITCH right in the middle of conversations. It’s what makes him so terrifying. But yeah. He’s got a lot to learn. And, god, just the thought of him trying to COURT her. You guys… I can’t… I need to rewatch all of these scenes immediately.
Stephanie: I do love a good chase especially if we get more Klaus uttering magical sayings last night. I think it’s safe to say that Pacey Witter has been fired as ‘Ruiner of All Men’ for me and replaced by Klaus _______ (I refuse to give him the last name Mikaelson since, well, he’s not).
Christina: I’m about to say something shocking, so brace yourselves… I was never a Pacey Witter fan. I KNOW! I KNOW! I’m sorry! But it’s true. But WORD to Klaus ruining men. Klaus… I just. I really want to see another flashback (even if it HAS to be Vikings in Virginia again) just to see Elijah and Klaus both trying to date the same woman. Who wants to bet that it’s the same deal as with the Brothers Salvatore and their dynamic has changed — that Klaus was the timid one and Elijah was all powerful. Oh god, I’m giving myself the vapors just thinking about Elijah as POWERFUL.
Dayna: I want to see him working HIS woman-wooing magic!! *swoon* Like seriously, a woman is actually torn between him and Klaus?
Christina: That’s what I’m saying. I mean NOW, in the present… with Klaus the way he is, I would TOTALLY be torn. But I want to see if it was always the case. Like you said, how does he have zero game? He must never have had it. But then, how was the OP torn between Elijah and him then? I just want to see it.
Dayna: Totally. THAT’S the flashback I want. And I’m not sure how much I believe that they had agreed to the bros before hos thing BEFORE mama “took” the girl to use in whatever spellwork she was doing. That seemed… off when Elijah was describing it. Is it too much to ask to get an Elijah flashback where he’s telling his own backstory instead of someone else’s?
Abby: If Elijah starts wooing people, I think we’re going to need to pack the entire fandom in dry ice. OR WE’LL ALL DIE.
Christina: Yeah, I think that convo last week was for show. YOU GUYS! We totally forgot to mention something — not only was Klaus so goddamn swoonworthy… are we forgetting that Caroline was wearing the bracelet he gave her?! SHE WANTS IT TOO. GOD THESE TWO.
Stephanie: He even called her out on it when dancing and she had no answer. UGH! I CAN’T WITH THESE TWO. They make me feel ALL THE EMOTIONS.
Christina: ALL THE FUCKING EMOTIONS. And all the fucking emotions too.
Dayna: (I think that would be fucking MOTIONS. No E.) I’m so torn. I WANT it to be all epic love story-y, but… this can’t possibly end well for Vampire Barbie, ya know? She’s gonna get hurt, either physically or emotionally or both.
Stephanie: DAYNA! DO. NOT. DESTROY. MY. DREAMS. Let me live in a land of delusion for at least today.
Dayna: But maybe before the inevitable happens, she can show him how he’s capable of such beauty and shit if only he’ll stop being an insecure, control-freak asshole who makes really bad choices all the damn time.
Christina: YES YES YES.
Stephanie: God, I hope so.
Abby: If they don’t at LEAST have one outrageously passionate, fandom-igniting kiss, I will be disappointed FOREVER.
Christina: OH, god. I am such a fucking tween. A kiss?! You almost killed me. Also, I agree. Disappointment for all eternity. I mean, I think Caroline is probably the first person in a really, really long time that Klaus has actually fancied. He almost had KLEARS in his eyes when she was shooting him down and being honest with him. And yet HE STILL GAVE HER THE DRAWING AND NOTE. And GOD I COULD TALK ABOUT THEM ALL DAY IM NOT EVEN TYPING WITH THE CAPS LOCK I AM HOLDING DOWN THE SHIFT KEY THAT IS HOW MUCH EMOTION I AM EXPERIENCING.
Stephanie: Damn, the shift key? That’s serious emotions.
Melissa: Damn ya’ll went to town! There’s almost not anything I can add. I kid. There’s a shit ton of stuff to add because ya’ll took care of the swooning and now I can insist on the analyzing. Because I need this to actually happen. I need Klaus to fall in love and still be like Klaus and all testy with everyone but to let Caroline in. And then Caroline can let Klaus in. As one does when a man draws them a picture. And gives them diamonds. And basically a pony. But small swooning aside, I really liked the fact that Caroline was considering Klaus’ words but she wasn’t buying it and she wasn’t going to be bought. I know that was a worry for some in the fandom (not us, because we basically ship everyone and adore Caroline and all things Original) that Caroline would become a crappy version of herself just for the sake of pretty things and some sweet words. But Caroline is so much better than that. I sort of went off on tumblr about this last night too but it was like she was compassionate and gracious with Klaus without allowing him to win the arguments. She kept calling him out to take responsibility for his own actions but she didn’t do it in a way that belittled his art or his relationship with his dad or the way he feels about different things. I want to compile these scenes into one video, send it to every other TV writer on the planet and say ‘This is how you write a storyline that seems impossible without assassinating your characters.’
Stephanie: Wow, Melissa you went to town yourself. [Christina: That’s what she said.] But yes I love how Caroline is still herself and isn’t giving into Klaus and being caught up in all his Prince Charming ways (unlike me who would have said ‘Fuck, you win’ last night). They truly, truly understand each other on a deeper level. She’s not afraid to call him out on his issues and he understands her need to feel appreciated and valued. Seriously, I hate using the line, but they complete each other.
Christina: I don’t understand these fandom people that would worry about her not yielding (hehe) to him right away. There was weird thing that happened this season, where they turned Caroline back into her former self, the superficial party planner, who dated *gag* Tyler. But I think this potential romance with Klaus is going to turn her into the badass ass-kicking chick that we know she can be. And the fact that she can deal with Klaus this way — not falling for his charm or his gifts, even though they are breaking her shell — makes her even stronger. She’s getting back to the Caroline that is fierce. And Klaus can help her become that.
Stephanie: WORD. I just hope she doesn’t adopt a nickname like ‘Sasha Fierce’.
Christina: Girl, don’t even.
Melissa: Don’t even suggest such nicknames! ICK. I was annoyed at the superficialness of Caroline’s character in some of these early episodes with Tyler but now that we’re a little further on in the story, I can see what they’re doing with that. Caroline’s big thing has been enjoying senior year and being a teenager and while I don’t doubt that she loves Tyler, I think it was in a lot of ways, Caroline trying to force herself to be a teen and to basically be human. And because she has shitty examples in the Salvatores on how to be a vampire, she only sees life as pushing one world away for an attempt at another. It’s either lose a lot of your humanity for the bloodlust or be pretty miserable for the sake of humanity. WHICH ISN’T TRUE. And that’s what Klaus is starting to show her, that she can love all of these other things without having to sacrifice who she is. Wow I rambled a bit. Pulling it back, I think sometimes in fandom, we go with the “how could she or why the hell would he” responses and forget that no matter how much crazy happens in an episode of TVD, the character development has always been a slow and natural process. So people think how on earth could Caroline fall for the guy who’s been so evil but the writers are smart enough not to let it happen overnight. Now I’m going to go all psych major for a minute but there’s this whole thing about how love triangles in stories, especially with a girl at the center (though I think it works for both), aren’t so much about the girl choosing the guy but about the girl choosing herself. It’s like each guy, in a way, represents an aspect of who she could be. So the girl in the triangle has trouble deciding or floats back and forth because she’s figuring out who she wants to be as an adult and as a person and until she gets there, both guys fit a part of who she is. Tyler, in this case, seems to represent the human side of Caroline while Klaus represents the vampire side. But I have the feeling that Klaus and Caroline together are going to help each other find balance between both of their natures, humanity and supernatural.
Christina: *wipes tear* I love you. That was amazing and sums up my thought so much better than I could ever dream of doing myself.
Stephanie: I’m stealing a Patrick Swayze line but DITTO.
Erin: I am going to make my husband read this. I for serious had to pause the show last night so that we could argue about Klaus. He doesn’t get why I am in love with him or the idea of him and Caroline. “Didn’t he murder so many people? Didn’t he make a mess with your precious Stefan? And you’re just going to forgive him?” YES!! Because he is beautiful and broken and perfect and he has an accent. Mostly the accent. “So if I had an accent, you wouldn’t mind if I murdered your loved ones?” You would also have to buy me way more diamonds and be good at drawing.
Stephanie: LOL.
Dayna: Perfection.

Double Agent. Sort of?
Christina: I think it’s very interesting that Elena is trying to lie to Elijah about what Mama Original was talking to her about. I mean, like she thinks she can really out master the master, ya know?
Spirit of Cin: Word! Elijah IS PERFECTION! YOU HEAR ME? That she even THINKS she can lie to him. I think he knows she’s lying to him. Right before the toast. The way he looked at her. He so knows.
Christina: Do you really think that he drank? I mean… not that… I was looking that closely… but his lips didn’t seem wet after he took a sip. Okay, I was unashamedly watching his mouth. I do not recall wet lips. And another thing: don’t you think they’d be able to smell the blood? Even if it was just “essence”?
Spirit of Cin: I think Elijah is Elijah and he’s smarter than these fuckers.
Stephanie: I’m with you both and think Elijah was like ‘fuck this pink champagne’ and did the fake drink motion. You know, the one you do when you’re playing drinking games to avoid getting alcohol poisoning.
Dayna: Someone asked Julie this at the Q&A and she confirmed that Elijah DID drink the kool-aid — er, champagne.
Melissa: Oh good to have that confirmation. Plus, I assumed that since the linking spell worked that Elijah drank. I don’t think that kickass family tree would’ve worked if he hadn’t.
Christina: Dammit
Abby: I tell you what I think: I think Elena is OUT OF HER DAMN MIND. There is nothing in their brief shared history that suggests that lying to Elijah is a good idea. IT’S A TERRIBLE IDEA. On the other hand, I find it TOTALLY HILARIOUS that EVERYONE squirms at the very thought of lying to Elijah. The man can make his own mother squirm with guilt when he isn’t even in the room. It’s a beautiful thing.
Dayna: Are we ready for the RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE?!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jesus tap-dancing mother-loving CHRIST, Elijah has Rebekah and Kol, who are basically spoiled-brat 12 year-olds; Finn, who is a self-loathing Mama’s boy; Klaus, who is a sociopath and crazier than a goddamn shit-house rat, AND a mother who is trying to kill him. And now cunt-face bitch ELENA FUCKING GILBERT is going to screw him over AGAIN?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just… I can’t… come here, baby. Let me hold you and make it all better. All of these people can go mother-fucking FUCK THEMSELVES. [pant pant pant... okay, I think I’m all right now.]
Spirit of Cin: ROFL! Dayna, you are so fucking right. Elijah deserves so much better than all this shit.
Stephanie: Elena is officially on my shit list. How dare she conspire with Mama Original to take down Elijah. Bitch, I know you’re smarter than that. Actually, strike that because she has like zero commonsense. If a cult abducted Elena, she’d instantly drink the Kool-Aid and like it.
Christina: She would probably talk so much, the other members would willingly drink the damn stuff just so she’d shut up her self-righteousness.
Dayna: The ONLY thing that is going to spare her from my wrath at this point is if the bitch has a crisis of conscience next week and clues Elijah in. Otherwise, I’m coming for you, wench. And I’m a hell of a lot madder than Rebekah!
Melissa: I haven’t had a “defend Elena” moment in a while and I’ve got a few of those coming in this post so this should be interesting. From a story standpoint and a character standpoint, I love Elena’s choice. (And yes, I still love Elijah but I’m talking Elena for now). For 2 seasons now, the goal has been to get rid of Klaus and Elijah was merely a means to that end as far as Elena’s been concerned. Then we got to the end of S2 and Elijah caved to his family. I have no problem believing that Elena thinks he’ll do that again. She knows she’ll do anything, even if it isn’t right (Jer) or it seems crazy (Alaric), to protect the people she loves, and I think she gets that Elijah will do the same. So while I was pissed in the moment, I’m really proud of Elena for making that decision. It fit who she is, in making the hard choices to take care of the people she cares about.
Spirit of Cin: Proud? But it’s ELIJAH! YOU DO NOT FUCKING MESS WITH FUCKING BAMF ELIJAH. YOU JUST DON’T. NO.
Melissa: But more importantly, I like that even within this episode, she had second thoughts throughout and afterwards. Elena said when she stabbed Rebekah that her ability to care about people would make her a liability and I feel like that’s one of the great things about Elena. When something needs doing, Elena does it and then thinks through it afterwards. (Brief tangent but that also shows the difference between Elena/Caroline/Bonnie. Bonnie tends to overthink everything and all the ramifications and as a result things don’t get done. Caroline often acts but doesn’t worry about thinking things over later and Elena also steps up and acts but really analyzes her actions afterwards.) So I feel like after Elena did it, that she realized somewhere along the way, Elijah stopped being the guy protecting her endangered species list and he became one of the people on it.
Stephanie: Damn you Melissa and your responsible analysis of Elena’s actions. Fine. I guess maybe you’re right and Elena doesn’t deserve all the rage but she totally did in the moment.
Dayna: I could see her going along with Esther’s plan, but I really expected/wanted/needed her to give him the side-eye and stop him from drinking the champagne. And I do understand her reasoning, I guess, but still…
Christina: Ugh. Melissa, you and your logic. Elijah and Elena are very similar in that regard. It’s quite interesting actually. It makes sense for who she is (and for the record: TV Elena is SO MUCH COOLER than Book Elena). But I’m still mad because you do not fuck with Elijah. It’s the first and second rule of I Heart Elijah Club.
Stephanie: Is the third rule you make out with your hand while imagining it’s him?
Dayna: Your hand? Stephanie dear, there are things with batteries.
Stephanie: Dayna, I’m not going to make out with my vibrator but I’ll let my other set of lips go to town. Too far?
Dayna: I’m not sure the SBH HAS a too far.
Stephanie: Good point. PG-13 we are NOT.
Christina: NEVER! My favorite thing to do is make dick and ejaculation jokes. PG-13? Please
Melissa: Us? PG-13? Ha. I am curious though, if Elijah & Elena can make up, do ya’ll think he’ll give her a pearl necklace? These Originals do have a thing for family jewels.
Stephanie: Pearl necklace? Nah. Maybe a couple of pearl earrings and a pendant.
Christina: HAHAHAHAHAHA I LOVE YOU BITCHES.
Dayna: I’m suddenly wishing this show aired on HBO or Showtime.
Stephanie: COULD YOU IMAGINE?! We’d have a field day with episodes if they were on those networks.
Melissa: I don’t know if those networks could measure up honestly. I thought that last night after the hot as fuck Damon/Rebekah scene. I haven’t seen a scene that hot on cable for a long ass time. And those two were basically still clothed! Which also if they’d wanted to give us another minute or two of that scene, I wasn’t complaining.
Erin: This is too effing perfect. Lots of pearls for Elena. Maybe she wouldn’t be such an idiot if she was getting pearls regularly. Obviously lying to Elijah is a bad idea. He is going to end up saving her ass yet again and she’ll feel like a moron for lying. Mommy is not on our side. She wants to hurt Klaus and Elijah. Do what you want with Finn & Kol mommy but leave mine alone. Bitch.
Stephanie: Yes her vajayjay needs to be bedazzled by many pearls. Repeatedly.
Dayna: Bitch ain’t good enough for Elijah’s pearls right now. #bitter
Stephanie: That’s why she’ll get the pizza boy’s right now to maybe help her stop being so stupid. I honestly think her dumb decision making stems from sexual repression. Bitch might even need to swim in a pool of pearls before she can move from sexually repressed to just sexually dissatisfied.
Christina: Christ, you guys. Amazing, hahaha

Meet the Mikaelsons
Christina: So the gang was all dapper this evening. Did anyone else notice that Finn DPR was kind of Mama Original’s bitch boy? You know, I would not be surprised if they had some sort of weird incestuous thing going.
Spirit of Cin: That would be fucking hilarious.
Melissa: Oh my gosh, he so does. Or they do. Whatever. Because you know, fucking your son wouldn’t be an abomination but your kids must be because you turned them into vampires and then fucked with their minds! But um yeah please show give me a little weirdness with the Originals.
Stephanie: Dude, familial incest? That might be one historical accuracy they get right.
Melissa: Since we brought it up (don’t say dirty, it’s too easy), I know people were wondering if Klaus had a thing for Rebekah for a while. I totally disagree because they just seem like very close siblings who have each others’ back on everything. But Kol? Yeah he might have a few incestuous tendencies as well.
Stephanie: I think Kol and Damon totally did the nasty back in the day and Damon is that hook up he wishes he could forget. Not that I would ever regret hooking up w/ Damon but Kol seems high maintenance in the sack.
Christina: He’s the kind of guy who has mirrors on his ceiling.
Stephanie: And handcuffs. Possibly a whip and saddle.
Melissa: That’s right! Well I mean not totally but there was supposed to be a flashback scene between Damon & Kol in the 1912 episode and its been cut. No wonder Damon is all butt hurt that Kol doesn’t remember him. Though his ass probably hurt more back then. Kol doesn’t come across as gentle.
Christina: Oh, jaysus. You two. HAHAHA.
Stephanie: DEAD. I bet he’s a top and a spanker. Also 1912 episode? The one at the very beginning of the season? I didn’t think we had a Kol then. Or are we getting another flashback episode?
Melissa: We’re getting another flashback episode. The first one back after the 2 week hiatus, I believe.
Dayna: I thought the flashback was supposed to be Damon and Sage (who they changed to a girl from a boy like in the books)
Melissa: I think Carina mentioned something about it. Hang on, I’ll go figure it out. Yep, one of the things from the Q&A with Julie noted that there was going to be interaction between Damon & Kol but it was cut.
Dayna: Ah, okay. Dang. That little tete-a-tete between them last night was probably supposed to be more meaningful than it will end up coming off, then.
Melissa: It’s internet writing, the English language is always crying. Worse than Bonnie with that tendency. Yeah it was probably supposed to be more meaningful. I’m hoping there will be at least a mention of Kol & Damon meeting before so even if we don’t see the intercourse, I mean interaction, we at least know about it.
Stephanie: It’s a flashback episode so I’m happy. Love those. But also if I don’t see Damon and Kol practicing their downward doggie style I’m going to be so upset.
Melissa: I’m sure there’s fanfic for that.
Abby: I think he’s the oldest, (Finn, Elijah, Klaus, Kol, Rebekah, is my best guess for the age order) and I bet he was Daddy’s favorite. That’s probably why he’s been boxed the longest.
Christina: I think you’re right. Do you think that Klaus was Mommy’s favorite?
Abby: I don’t think Klaus has ever been anyone’s favorite. Thus his enormous luggage.
Christina: That is a good point. And that is incredibly sad.
Abby: I KNOW. They’re killing me with all these glimpses of his deeper personality. Please, show, don’t kill Klaus. We NEED him.
Dayna: I can see Finn being the oldest. It’s definitely between him and Elijah.
Stephanie: Finn and Elijah obviously have a long standing sibling rivalry going on. I just hope Elijah rips Finn’s heart out because, honestly, I just hate his stupid face.
Dayna: I didn’t get that sense. Maybe a little wariness since Elijah is already suspicious, but I didn’t get much feel for what their relationship might have been.
Stephanie: I was just going by what little I saw of the two together. Plus if they really are the oldest two then a rivalry would definitely be happening especially in regards to their parents affections. I will say Elijah, probably a Daddy’s boy, and Finn, total Mama’s bitch.
Melissa: I believe, and I can’t check this one, but I am fairly certain that I heard that Finn shares his dad’s feelings towards vampires. With the whole, we’re evil and a blight on society and should kill other vampires rather than each other. He hasn’t had 900 years to share that with his family but I thought there was an interview that said that. It certainly fits with his willingness to work with his mother to kill all of his family. I also like the idea of Rebekah, Kol and Elijah forgiving Klaus because as it turns out, he made the right move in killing their mother all those years ago and joining with him to go after her and Finn. Actually wouldn’t it be cool if they (and I guess Bonnie) figured out a way to reverse the spell so it only linked Finn & Esther and then they just killed those two? I would enjoy this. I also do see a little bit of a sibling rivalry between Finn & Elijah.
Stephanie: Stop making me feel stupid Melissa
Melissa: Oh! Okay since below has no semblance of decency, I’m going to bring up the other Mikaelson. [Christina: Decency? BAHAHA] Because I still sort of love Kol. Like madly love him. Sure he almost got on my shit list for threatening Matt but really if I didn’t forgive people for fucking Matt over, I’d hate everyone on the show. But I loved the way he looks at Damon and is all “you didn’t make an impression”, when we all know Damon has SUCH a thing for making an entrance. Plus he’s cute and his eyes crinkle up like Josh Hartnett’s and yeah I’m basically falling for Kol. (Though I will say that his accent went in and out like crazy in this episode. Nate’s gotta work out which one he wants to use when playing Kol).
Spirit of Cin: Yes. Love him. LOL at “you didn’t make an impression.” Perfect.
Dayna: I’m totally unimpressed. We already have one spoiled brat, immature Original. I didn’t need a male version of Rebekah. Cute only takes it so far, and it wasn’t nearly far enough for me.
Christina: Word, I’m with you, Dayna. The most impressive thing about Cole for me is that he looks just like Elijah, haha.
Melissa: I definitely can get that. I felt like Rebekah showed some growth in this episode, like Matt’s actions made her realize that she doesn’t have to be a brat but can have a life of her own, separate from either joining or defying her family. So I see her growing away from that a little. Plus the other thing for me with Kol, where I see some differences is that Rebekah can be stopped. He doesn’t. And he has some very “vampires are the greater race” mentalities. That, if he sticks around, could be quite fascinating. Klaus likes his power but he’s not all humans are stupid and vampire power or whatnot. Kol seems like that, making him a liability and a powder keg.
Dayna: Hasn’t Klaus said a lot of times that humans are only there to serve their (meaning the vampires’) purpose? He was talking to Tyler about that a couple eps ago, and back in 1492 w/r/t Katerina.
Melissa: Oh yeah, you’re right. My Klaus/Caroline squee was clouding my judgment and remembering Klaus as using humans but not dismissing them as completely inferior. Though he does seem to care a little more about humans than the impression I get from Kol. Like Klaus would actually consider the usefulness of a human whereas Kol is like, they aren’t useful ever so just kill them all. I just really like Kol you guys. Ya know that reaction you all had to Elijah when he first showed up, but it took me a couple episodes to fall in love? I’m having that reaction to Kol and I can’t explain it.
Christina: I have another question. They’re Vikings, right? Why is it not spelled Mikaelsson?
Abby: Are you really asking for correct surname spellings from the Virginia Viking family? REALLY, CHRISTINA?
Christina: Hey, I have my standards! We all know how I feel about the, to quote Dayna, “Jewish Virginia Viking family.”
Stephanie: It’s obvious they decided to go with the American bastardization of the name. At least they didn’t go with their Native American given name. That could have been just all types of awkward to write on the invitations.
Abby: Let’s here it for bastardization! #TeamKlaus
Christina: Wait, what’s their Native American name?
Stephanie: Isn’t it like Nightwalker or something like that? People would have thought they joined the Justice League or some shit.
Christina: Oh, hahah. I thought you were going to make something more Native Americany. (Is that racist?)
Stephanie: You mean like Bloody Lips which for Rebekah or Ester could have double meaning. And no that’s not racist, how else would we describe it?
Spirit of Cin: ROFLMAO. Stephanie, me love you long time.
Christina: Word. OMG, I actually just snorted at my desk. Yes, that’s what I meant. Or like Loves Same Woman.
Stephanie: Or Doggy Loving. Or maybe Straight Sword Fighters (hint, hint).
Christina: “I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let’s see how well you handle it.”
Stephanie: LOL. We’ve opened up a whole new can of worms.
Christina: I’ll tell you whose worm I’d like to see.
Stephanie: DEAD. I’m lucky I just swallowed my coffee before reading this.
Melissa: Fucking A you guys. Um, having skimmed through to here, and the things my eyes picked up were ‘using a different set of lips on a vibrator’, incest, and “bloody lips” as a nickname, my mind has gone to places I don’t think even Klaus could take me to.
Erin:Speaking of swords, husband said more than once last night that Stefan & Damon should probably duke it out with theirs. I am starting to legit think he wants to see that happen. I wouldn’t be totally opposed.
Stephanie: Why would anyone oppose that? I say let them go at it.

Abominations
Christina: So… I don’t like this plan. I mean, I’m down for killing Rebekah and DPR and even Kol Cole, but NEVER Elijah or Klaus. NEVER. I do not Mama Original. And I don’t trust her and her little minion DPR.
Spirit of Cin: Shut your mouth! YOU DO NOT KILL COLE. He’s too pretty. He can stay. But I agree. NEVER EVER EVER AGAIN will anyone kill Elijah or there will be HELL TO PAY. Let them just TRY it.
Christina: We will be on them like spider monkeys! But no, seriously. Why keep Cole around? They said it last night, he’s a psycho. He scares me, and I don’t trust him either. Like, this family got all the crazy. Only Elijah and Klaus… they’re the only ones I care about surviving this. Please, TPTB??
Spirit of Cin: Now if he’d killed Matty… We’d have problems, BUT now he’s started a feud with Damon. I mean Damon getting his ass kicked is always fun (unless he’s saving Matty or undaggering Elijah).
Melissa: I’m with the Spirit of Cin. Kol fucking with Damon is kinda fun. AND IF YOU PEOPLE KILL OFF TOO MANY ORIGINALS WE DON’T GET A SPINOFF.
Abby: I knew this was going to happen, I just knew it. Mama Original and her Witchier-than-thou attitude needs to GO. It is absolutely cosmically unacceptable to give us this whole clan of beautiful, dangerous, perfect vampires and then take them away. I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS, ESTHER. LEAVE YOUR KIDS ALONE.
Stephanie: How does Mama Original not love her kids?! I don’t understand it. They’re such BAMFs, well except Finn. He’s just a little bitch. Esther better check herself before she wrecks herself because I will NOT stand for her killing my beloved Elijah or Klaus. Hell, I’ll even be pissed if she kills Rebekah because after last night’s hot, steamy hatesex I’m going to need her and Damon to do more of that. Also do y’all think that if the original family dies then all the vampires die since they’re all sort of descendants from the Mikaelsons?
Dayna: Called that shit. *douchbadge*
Melissa: Squeezing in here to say that I wondered if all vampires die too. And for that matter, since Cindy McLennan brought up in her recap last week the fact that the doppelganger and Bennett witches are also intertwined, I’d be interested to know if it would take out them as well.
Dayna: I somehow doubt they’re going to just up and kill all of the Originals next week so I’m not super-duper worried that she’s going to succeed, but this plan of Esther’s is NOT OKAY, y’all! Klaus needs to kill the bitch again!
Stephanie: If not Klaus, then Elijah. This bitch needs to go back to the Dharma Initiative island on the other side.
Christina: I so knew it was going to be one of those dumb-ass “I brought you into this world, I can take you out” bullshit things. Klaus totally needs to kill her. I… just no.
Abby: Kill her AND draw a memorial picture!
Stephanie: Pretty much I just fucking hate all the witches on the show (except Lucy) because they always seem to try to pull this bullshit. NO JUST NO. Not this time you Nature Interpreter. I say nature wants its Original vamps so don’t you dare try to be like ashes to ashes.
Melissa: I agree that it won’t work and we all obviously called it about Esther being up to a lot more but I kind of loved that they just covered it and moved on. There wasn’t this, what is Esther’s plot, what is she up to drawn out thing. It was straight up, I’m going to kill all of my children because they’re an abomination. That is seriously fucked up on Esther’s part but I love that the show not only establishes her true goals in an episode but gets them halfway started in the same one. These back 9 episodes are going to be FUCKED UP.
Dayna: Two weeks in a row I’ve been totally disappointed with them going the obvious route. Last week, it was the Elijah/Klaus fighting over the OP. This week, we have confirmation that the Bennetts are descended from Ayanna. I just… it’s all just a little too ‘pat’, you know?
Abby: I can never decide if the story is being obvious or if the people I talk to most about the show are just exceptionally smart. That said, II, too, am hoping for some twists, as long as they don’t involve killing or removing Elijah, Klaus or Caroilne from the story. Because that would NOT be a good twist.
Stephanie: I feel the same way. I would like to think we’re insanely smart and are so in tune with the show now that we can see these things coming from a mile away but I believe, sadly, they’re just going with obvious right now. Some things that weren’t meant to be shocking I just reacted like, ‘Yeah I already figured that out so now get to the shocking part’ but they never do. I hope the writers have serious twists and turns coming up that none of us can see coming.
Melissa: Not to toot our own horns, but I think we are just that smart and in tune with the show. Because I read through some stuff on twitter or I look at other recaps occasionally (like recaps from people who get paid for it) and they miss pretty much all of this stuff. So I would say we hang out in a pretty damn intelligent corner of fandom and that means we figure things out quicker than most. But again, that’s something that I appreciate about the show. They don’t drag a lot of this stuff out forever. Some of it yeah, but I feel like the writers do pay attention to the theories and get to a point where they just answer that shit in a couple lines in an episode and move on. It surprises some people and it confirms stuff for others. I guess I just don’t mind not being shocked because I love to see how the characters react. I think Candice actually commented on that in an interview. She was like yeah, ya’ll know that Klaus & Caroline dance but you don’t know why, or what is said during it or what the reactions are after it. And that’s why I watch. I don’t mind knowing the plot twist if the character development around it is well done.
Christina: Oh, but back to the topic of hatesex. Ugh, hatesex. Usually I’m all for that shit, but it just felt wrong wrong wrong between them. I don’t want to see that.
Stephanie: What?! I thought it was insanely hot. I mean I knew I should have probably hated it and thought it was wrong but damn it made me consider running outside naked to just cool off. Also I’d let Damon/Ian push me up against a wall and ravage me from behind any day but just as long as Ian didn’t utter stupid Zoolander-esque shit.
Abby: Word. Christina, if you don’t want to see that, Stephanie and I will watch it for you. Because we’re generous like that.
Stephanie: TRUTH. I’ll watch it repeatedly just so I give you a thorough analysis as to why it is so hot.
Dayna: Count me on the “not hot” train. Not so much that it was wrong for Damon to do Rebekah; it’s just that her big “O” face was not attractive, okay? What?! I’m shallow!! Nice use of lyrics though. Hee.
Stephanie: Haha. I wasn’t even looking at her face. I just imagined it was me instead of her. It made the viewing much more enjoyable.
Melissa: THANK YOU DAYNA. I mean I too thought it was hot as fuck and I was totally down with the hate sex but her “O” face had some serious issues. It was like a fucking guppy. Close that shit Rebekah or put something in it. [Dayna: Bwah!!!] Though it wasn’t as bad as Buffy’s “O” face with Spike because geez that shit sucked.
Dayna: The hate-sex *I* want is Elijah-Katherine. Period. The end.
Christina: OH SHIT. Yeah, just… the whole thing made me uncomfortable. You know, I really think Bill/Sookie ruined me for hatesex. Because… it just creeps me out. Though Damon is admittedly WAY LESS creepy than Bill.
Dayna: Dude, Jeffrey Dahmer is less creepy than Bill. Hannibal Lecter is less creepy than Bill. Pretty much all the Stephen King anythings ever is less creepy than Bill. You mean Bill and Lorena? Because THAT was some motherfucking epic hate sex right there. No 8:00 p.m. show on the CW can possibly come close to that.
Christina: That was fucked, but no I mean Bill and Sookie in Season 3 in her childhood bedroom after she and Debbie were fighting. Like, they fucking had that hatesex right on the floor and it was… it was disturbing. And like, fucking OPETH was playing over it, haha. Yeah. Ugh.
Dayna: Oh, THAT scene. Wow. True Blood has, like, a LOT of hate sex.
Christina: True Blood has as much hatesex as Glee has nonsensical plot lines.
Melissa: DEAD.
Stephanie: True Blood sex is just fucking awkward to watch. My legs clinch up because my coochie is embarrassed by the type of fucking that goes on in that show.
Christina: <3
Dayna: LOL!
Erin: Vampire Diaries does everything better than True Blood. Even on The CW, even at 8PM. And I am still floored that people refuse to see that. TB gets Emmy noms and they’re just going to ignore TVD? ANNA PAQUIN GETS EMMY NOMS??? Gotta be fucking kidding me. The Rebekah/Damon sex was HOT. The dress ripping? I seriously looked around my empty living room to see who might be witnessing my porn watching. And this is the way I love Damon. Love sick puppy Damon is such a fucking waste. People think I hate Damon. I just hate when he sucks.
Dayna: Depends on what he’s sucking on. I nominate Elijah Wood.
Christina: You mean Elijah’s wood?
Dayna: ExACTly.
Stephanie: DAYNA! I HEART YOU. But God, I’d kill to see Damon eat a banana on this show. Also bad, crazy Damon is the sexiest fucking beast ever.
Melissa: Dayna you officially win everything with that comment. But ya know what I love, even though there were a few issues with Rebekah’s mouth [Christina: HAHAHAHA], that scene was pretty hot on its own merits, even without context. Whereas True Blood (and for that matter a lot of HBO & Showtime shows) sex, even with the context, is just awkward. It so often doesn’t fit a story line or is just a chance to throw some shit in there and I tend to skip it because I just don’t give a shit, not because I feel a little worried that someone’s about to walk in and question my sanity. As was the case with tonight’s final TVD scene. WHY CAN’T PEOPLE RESPECT A DAMN CW SHOW FOR FIVE SECONDS?!

Another Freaking Ball
Christina: The best part about this is that everyone got their invitations DAY OF and yet still came dressed impeccably. I bet Elena had that gown in her closet.
Abby: Given the number of fancy events in Mystic Falls, that’s actually not too much of a leap!
Stephanie: Guys, don’t y’all know there’s a dress drive thru service in Mystic Falls? You just choose any of the 1-15 combo deals and viola you have a dress and accessories.
Christina: Shit. That business must be BOOMING! Come to think of it, they must do tuxes too. Matty cleaned up awfully nice. I don’t really see the Donovans (or Donovan as it is) as the kind of people (person) who can afford a tux ever. #poorMatty
Melissa: With all the events Carol Lockwood throws, I bet everyone has their own formal supply store in their house. Also, I have formal dresses in my closet. Not like old prom dresses either. I had a use for one once but several others are just sort of there in case I find an excuse to wear a formal dress. I have a weakness for buying them on sale. I’m aware that’s bizarre. But it means I totally excuse these kids for having dresses. Plus don’t like all teenagers have several prom dress options at any given time?
Stephanie: Oh Matty! I actually loved him last night. I think it’s because they’ve given him snarky dialogue and a sort of purpose. His truck compelling line was just awesome. And yes he does clean up rather nicely, but I too was wondering where he got the tux. Maybe Damon is his new bff and lent him one?
Dayna: Matt was awesome, basically telling Rebekah that she can get fucked (and, um, then she did). And no health insurance? #PoorMatty indeed!
Abby: I’m pretty sure that every resident of Mystic Falls gets a yearly subsidy on dress-up clothes. There’s no other way to explain it. Hell, that’s probably how Mayor Lockwood (the dead one) got elected in the first place.
Erin: I am slightly worried about Matty. I think we could lose him at any moment. I get panic attacks just thinking of it. And while I LOVE Klaus & Caroline, I would not be opposed to Caroline & Matt getting back together. Tyler can give himself a pearl necklace for all I care. But poor Matty. The kid needs a break.
Melissa: Erin, I love you for that Tyler comment. But I really am hoping that Matt is okay. The writers have emphasized throughout all 3 seasons that Matt grounds the others as the human element and that they want him to stay that way. I like the idea of bringing him into the fold more, as long as he doesn’t die. I need my Matty.
Stephanie: Don’t worry guys, Matt has Damon as his body guard. He’s his personal Edward Cullen.

Le Love Triangle
Christina: So, we already covered the hatesex, but you guys. This love triangle. I don’t know why I wasn’t surprised when Damon let it slip that he loved Elena. But meh. The part I was more interested in was that Elena clearly still loves Stefan, and this whole if he allows himself to feel all he feels is pain… There were almost STEARS, you guys. And you know how I can’t handle the STEARS.
Stephanie: Is it bad to say that I’m getting so frustrated with the back and forth of this love triangle that I’m finding it kind of boring lately? Yes I want Damon and Elena to get down and dirty, if only for a little bit, but all sides of this isosceles triangle are being drawn out. I’m more invested in every other triangle, whether obtuse or equilateral, at this point than the main one. Also in comparison to Klaus/Caroline/Tyler, Damon/Elena/Stefan are kind of lackluster. Maybe if the Salvatore’s threw around some 1800s vernacular every once in a while, I might start caring about which one Elena will choose. PS- I’ve been really missing Evil Stefan who gets my juices flowing.
Dayna: I really could no longer care less about Elena and the eternal struggle between the Salvatores. Seriously. And her being down with Stefan’s “Killing Klaus is the important thing, the rest are just collateral damage?” She is one teeny, tiny step away from “Better you die than I” territory, ya know?
Abby: I’m on board the “I don’t care about the love triangle” train. First class ticket, seriously. It’s not that the scenes aren’t compelling – the interactions between the three characters and the way they affect each other is beautifully written, acted, and great fun to watch. I just don’t give a damn who Elena ends up with. I’m interested in the characters individually, I have nothing invested in this trio’s specific romantic futures as long as I get to watch the story unfold.
Stephanie: WORD. I just want good storytelling. That’s it. As you said Abby, their interactions are compelling to watch but at this point it’s like who cares who Elena picks because I just want the Salvatores to pick each other while giving me good stories.
Erin: I want to say that I don’t care. I really want to. But when Stefan first held his arm out for Elena last night and I lost my breath, I also lost that war with not caring. They just…. IDK. I am moved by the entire thing. They came so close to kissing last night and I am PISSED but also a bit glad that they didn’t. Stefan’s entire bad boy thing has to have consequences. His struggle with it and with what would be best for Elena vs. what he really wants for himself is amazing to me. And Paul Wesley portrays it so flawlessly. He wears the pain right on his face. The man is perfection.
Christina: It really upsets me that I see the amazing acting (Paul Wesley is superb) and I’m moved by it, but I can’t really get myself to care. I held my breath for a moment when I thought they were going to kiss, but when he walked away, I was like “again? Alright, over it.”

Scenes From Next Week
Dayna: Can I rail about the promo for next week here? I am, like, enraged ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!
Christina: WHAT? My DVR cut it off
Dayna: Well, Elena DOES come clean.
Christina: To Elijah?
Dayna: And now, Damon and Stefan want to FUCKING DAGGER ELIJAH AGAIN AND I JUST CAN’T WITH THIS DAGGERING SHIT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!
Christina: WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT *shift key* ELIJAH IS NOT THE GODDAMN PROBLEM. IT’S FUCKING MAMA ORIGINAL
Spirit of Cin: OH FUCK NO. HELL TO THE FUCK TO THE NO.
Dayna: It looks like he takes Elena to force Bonnie and Abby to help him undo what his mother has done. And because he’s “threatening” Elena the MOTHERFUCKING DAGGER HAPPY SALVATORES ARE ALL WITH THE DAGGER AGAIN. I just can’t keep doing this.
Christina: UGH if he gets daggered again…
Spirit of Cin: I am fucking DONE if they dagger Elijah again. UGH. No words can express the rage blackout. Elijah is the one of the only things I care about on this show anymore, and if they are going to dagger him again — THEY BETTER FUCKING BRACE THEMSELVES.
Christina: Oh, shit. Hurricane Cin!
Spirit of Cin: That’s fucking right! They cannot dagger him again. CANNOT. I FORBID IT.
Abby: WHY DIDN’T SOMEBODY GET RID OF THOSE GODDAMN DAGGERS? SOMEBODY LIKE ELIJAH?! FFS, THEY HAD THE CHANCE. WHY? WHY?
Dayna: Right?! All because Elena couldn’t fucking give Elijah a side whisper about ipsnay on the ampagne-chay. I am like a fucking nuclear explosion of rage right now.
Stephanie: I’m personally loving it. Your rage explosion.
Christina: These brothers, I swear to god. They treat the symptoms, not the disease.
Stephanie: I fucking hate Elena for lying to Elijah. Bitch
Spirit of Cin: PREACH!
Dayna: I’m at the point where I’m like “just fucking kill him and have it over with and stop fucking yanking on my emotions” because FUCKING GODDAMN
Christina: HAHAHAHA. That was beautiful
Stephanie: Dayna you’re my spirit animal today
Dayna: *panting* There’s really not enough caps lock in the world right now. I’m changing my ‘ship to “Elena + Woodchipper”.
Melissa: I will take my douchebadge next week if I’m right on this but I think, since Elena’s already started rethinking her decision, that she will work with Elijah to reverse the spell and THAT, not last night’s conversations, will be what truly breaks the Salvatores and her. I mean for now duh, it is the love triangle but I think Elena will help Elijah and Damon/Stefan won’t be able to deal. DO THIS ELENA AND YOU WILL BE FORGIVEN. But ya’ll the balls on this show are fucking huge. I didn’t think the spell would work (though I base that opinion off of Bonnie) and then it did and now they could all die and there are just a lot of shows that don’t have the balls to go there.

From the Tweetosphere
@onlymystory: ELENA, I TAKE YOUR SIDE ON NEARLY EVERYTHING BUT I SWEAR IF YOU DON’T FIX THIS, I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU.
@CharWright5 The Klears!!! #TVD @theSBH #ICantEven… (SO MUCH WORD)
@B_inShortsville Klaus. got. NO. game. ZERO. NONE. #TVD
@TVKelly2 I’m glad the whole town knows how to waltz. #TVD
@thomascgalvin So, where exactly did the dress-making mice set up shop? Next to the grill? #TVD
@caulkcrinolines IDIOT GIRL! Klaus > Tyler! UGH! #TVD
@AbbyGraham: Can I say how much I love that Elijah has this weird effect on everybody? He’s like a one-man campaign for civilized behavior.#TeamElijah
@jacobjunior7 When True Blood does “sexy” it comes off tryhard, cheap and icky. When The Vampire Diaries does sexy, I grab the tissues and lotion #TVD

We pick up right where we left off: Klaus. Is. Terrified.

You can tell because when Elijah tries to get into it, Klaus deflects and tries to offer him a drink. But Elijah goes all honey badger on Klaus’ ass and punches him, and they get into a row.

Klaus throws open one of the other coffins and pulls the dagger out of a young man who bears a striking resemblance to Elijah and Zac Efron.

Klaus threatens to use it on Elijah, and Elijah dares him. If he does, he’ll have Kol (the recently undaggered brother) to deal with. First of all, no. I can’t. I can’t type the name Kol. Something about the “K” and the “ol” just make me feel really gaggy. Like… *gag*… I can’t… *retch*… I can’t. We’ll call him Cole. Deal with it.

To quickly change topics, Klaus tells Elijah that he killed Mikael. Elijah is happy, but mad that the family remains daggered. “Finn for 900 years, Cole for over a century.” Well, we know who the least favorite brother is, hmm? Klaus says that it’s all Stefan’s fault. There are secrets about their past – about their mother’s death, but Klaus never told Elijah, but apparently he’s ready now. He reminds Elijah of the oath of honor and loyalty for each other they took, “always and forever.” Oh, and Klaus redaggers Cole.

It’s just not his time yet, I guess.

…
TITLE CARD!
…

Hey, Alaric is drunk. Well this is a pleasant change to things.

Elena tells him not to feel guilty about bringing Meredith over, and Alaric mentions how he “whiskey-dialed” her last night. Is that because they can’t say “drunk-dial” on the CW? Whatever. Bonding bonding happy family. Ding-dong.

Sheriff Mom is at the door, and she’s got an evidence bag with her. What? She can just traipse around town with that kind of stuff?

It’s the stake they found in the ME’s chest. It’s one of the set that’s in Elena’s parents’ lakehouse. And guess what. Only one clean set of prints… and it’s Elena’s!

DRAMA!

Back inside, Elena is on the phone laying down the deets for Damon.

Damon suggests it’s Meredith, but Elena and Alaric are adamant that it wasn’t. Elena makes a dig about refusing to believe Alaric’s luck with women is that bad. Good, Elena. Wishing things away TOTALLY works. Damon then suggests, Klaus, who’s probably just fucking with them.

Elena suggests Stefan. And basically, they just have no idea.

Anyway, this whole time Damon’s been walking deep into the woods. Why? He’s “having tea with an old friend.” So that’s what they’re calling it now, eh? *elbow elbow* Whatever. The old friend is Elijah.

Elijah!

Damon tells him that he cleans up nice, but Elijah isn’t there for HoYay compliments.

Damon left a note in his pocket when he undaggered him.

Damon: Dear Elijah, let’s get together and plot the destruction of your brother. XOXO Gossip Girl

Damon asks if he was right to undagger Elijah, or if there’s going to be a problem. Fuck no! Elijah is undaggered! No problem here! Oh, he was asking Elijah.

Elijah indirectly answers the question by saying that he’s there, so they can talk. Damon takes no time in asking him what kind of Klaus-killing weapon would be magically sealed inside a coffin. The hard hitting questions. Good boy, Damon.

Speaking of the coffin, Stefan and the Bennetts are down in the Cave of Historical Drawings. Since vamps can’t go in there, Stefan suggests they hang out there to avoid Klaus, and bullies Abby to “scrape out any magic you have left.” That sounds gross. Bored already.

Just outside the mouth of the cave, Elena has come to accuse Stefan of killing the medical examiner. She says she doesn’t know what he’s capable of anymore, so natch he must have done it.

But Stefan is all, “Have you asked Damon if he’s killed anybody lately?” And I think that’s a valid question. Elena, however, seems affronted. Oh well.

Over at the hospital, Caroline is there to talk see her dad and runs into Meredith who basically calls him a dick because he threatened to have her medical license revoked for saving him with vamp blood. Um, bitch?! Were this the real world THAT SHIT WOULD BE ILLEGAL. Even in Mystic Falls, the fucking questionable morals nexus of the universe, that’s GOT to be unethical. He has the RIGHT to threaten that shit. Meredith apologizes and says her bedside manner sucks on no sleep. No kidding.

Caroline just wants to take him home, and Meredith says she already signed his discharge papers. But he didn’t call Car. Meredith is all, “That’s gotta be hard. When your dad hates the one thing you can’t change about yourself.” Jesus, woman. She says she makes it her business to know all the vamps in town, but not to worry; she won’t blab.

Caroline and I both are a little taken aback by that whole conversation.

Over in the hallway, Caroline tells Elena it’s sweet that she’s making sure Alaric isn’t dating a psycho, but then shushes Elena when she starts to explain that Alaric is her family because she hears her dad’s phone ringing from… a random closet.

They sneak into the supply closet and find him sitting against a shelf with his throat slashed and a knife in his… ALL TOGETHER NOW…

HIS GUT!

Caroline runs over to him chanting “DON’T BE DEAD DON’T BE DEAD DON’T BE DEAD” and pulls the knife from his stomach. Elena reminds her that he has vamp blood in his system just before he gasps awake.

Back in the Cave of Historical Consternation, Bonnie’s arranged all her goddamn candles again.

Bonnie explains the history literally written on the walls. They also have a grimoire, but the page they probably need is torn out.

Abby points out a “blood knot” on the page, which indicates that two generations are needed to undo the sealing spell. I have a question: how do they know it was the same sealing spell? Are all sealing spells created equal? Bonnie’s all, “So unbinding it will undo the spell and unseal it… if we do it together?” Um, isn’t that what she just fucking said? Bored.

Oh. Well, HEL-LO Shirtless Stefan. May you lose your shirt and never be able to find it again. Damon needs him to get dressed (BITCH!) because they’re going to have an “old-fashioned sitdown” with him, Elijah and Klaus.

Aww, man. Where’d Stefan get that shirt from? Shame.

Damon says he just needs to buy the Bennetts time to get the top off the coffin. Stefan doesn’t think undaggering Elijah was such a good idea and shut up Stefan.

Damon explains that after what Klaus did to him, he’s natch going to be in vengeance mode, so perfect. Um, Damon, sweetie. Are you forgetting about how Elijah promised to help you kill Klaus and then, oh, lemme see if I remember this correctly… DIDN’T? Stefan obvs remembers this, and to counter, Damon’s all “I trust him as much as I trust you.” Noted. Also, not a strong bet then, is it?

Somehow this turns into a jealousy match over the Elena kiss. Because of course it does. Damon basically tells Stefan to suck it up because they have to go negotiate a fake truce and he doesn’t want his attitude to screw it up.

Back over at the hospital, Caroline has compelled nurses to stay out of the room, but Bill wants out. He’s hungry, he’s wired and his pulse is racing. Elena comes in asking about the attacker, but he didn’t see anyone.

But Car’s main concern is getting Bill some blood so he can finish transitioning, but he refuses. Elena expositions us by saying that if he doesn’t get blood in him, he won’t go through the transition, and he’ll die. But he’s fully prepared to do this.

Oh, noes, Caroline.

Back at la Casa de Gilbert, Alaric is taking inventory of all his vamp-killing weapons. Elena brings in the knife used on Bill. It’s one of Alaric’s.

He says that it was in a crawlspace in the foyer, which means that Meredith knew where it was. I’m not really following this logic, but Elena points out that even so, it doesn’t mean that Meredith stole it. Alaric also points out a stake identical to the one that killed Brian the ME – which was in Damon’s trunk the night of the Founder’s Council Meeting/Gala. Where Meredith (and the entire town) was! Alaric says they’d be idiots if they ignored these clues, and I have a laugh.

Alaric’s verdict: Elena should get the knife to the police and go spend time with Caroline.

Across town (maybe?) at Klaus’ Mansion, the Brothers Salvatore have arrived.

Klaus: Damon. Stefan. Elijah tells me you seek an audience. Very bold. Let’s discuss the terms of our agreement like civilized men, shall me?

Elijah (to the Bros): Indulge him.

Stefan says that he didn’t come there to eat, and that the only reason he was there was because Damon told him he had to be or else Klaus wouldn’t hear them out. Klaus smiles and sits at the table.

Klaus: Well, we can sit and eat. Or I can reach down your throats and pull out your insides. Choice is yours.

Hellz yes. I love when Klaus is all subdued creepy! They all sit. Klaus urges Stefan to eat,

and Damon patronizes Stefan by saying “I thought we agreed to leave the grumpy Stefan at home,” so Stefan digs in. I like the way Klaus chews.

Klaus asks if this was what Damon had in mind when he undaggered Elijah and Damon is all “Originals.. the more the merrier,” and then he fucking WINKS at Elijah.

God, the HoYay in this scene is palpable. Klaus explains that he and Elijah have their differences, but they always stick together in the end. Stefan is all, “Like Rebekah.”

And this is clearly a sore spot for Klaus. Stefan reminds us all that she’s still daggered because Klaus is afraid to face her, but Klaus says he’s already come clean about killing their mother to Elijah.

Damon: Hey, Stef. Remember when you killed dad? You might want to dial down the judgment until dessert.

Ha! Stefan explains he’s not going to kiss Klaus’ ass for seven courses, and god in heaven this is the best scene of the episode hands down. Damon tells Stefan (and me) to pace himself.

So it’s on to Caroline’s front porch. Car can’t get a hold of Tyler, and Elena explains that Meredith looks pretty guilty, which is what she told Sheriff Mom. Caroline brings up something I hadn’t thought of: is there any chance that Tyler did it what with being sired to Klaus and all? Elena doesn’t think so. But Car is desperate to find answers; “I can’t just let my father die.” But Elena reminds her that he doesn’t want to feed; all he has is his choice. Caroline says that she hated him for how he treated her, but now all she wants to do is save his life, which Elena confirms is normal – he’s her dad after all. They give each other intense looks brimming with tears.

Caroline: What was the hardest part for you when you lost your dad?

Elena: Realizing all the things he that wouldn’t be there for. The things that, um, that you just need your dad for, you know?

Caroline does know. And that was such an emotional scene. Jay-sus.

Elena scoots closer and holds Caroline… but then someone walks up the sidewalk to them. It’s Matty!

Caroline gets up and pulls him into a rough embrace, and it’s so sweet!

Ooh dinner party time again! Elijah asks Stefan where Elena is,

and Stefan is all “why don’t you ask Damon?” while Klaus just laughs.

Elijah missed so much. “Trouble in Paradise,” Klaus explains.

Stefan threatens to end the dinner if anyone mentions Elena again, and Damon suggests they just add her to the list of things they can’t discuss, which of course Klaus does not do. See, he is no stranger to the Pull of the Petrova.

He asks Elijah if they should tell Stefan and Damon about “Tatia.” Elijah is all, “Why should we discuss what’s long since resolved?” Klaus just thought that maybe since they’re so drawn to Elena(r) and Katerina, that they’d be interested in learning about the “originator of the Petrova line.”

Damon is interested, so Elijah starts to tell the tale.

When the Original family first moved to Virginia, there was already this chick here named Tatia. She was very beautiful and all the men were in love with her, of course. Even though she had a child by another man. And both Elijah and Klaus loved her The Most. E and K’s mom didn’t approve, so she took Tatia, and used her blood when the Original family was turned into a bunch of vampires – they drank it in the wine. Tatia wouldn’t choose between them (sound familiar?), and Elijah and Klaus often fought, but in the end the “sacred bond of family” won out over all.

Elijah: Family above all.

Klaus: Family above all.

*Clink!*

Back in the Cave of Misbegotten History, the Bennetts are chanting with their hands together over the coffin. Bonnie accuses Abby of not trying, and Abby blames it on the spirits hating her. Bonnie says the spirits wanted her to find Abby because she’s her mom; the problem is that Abby doesn’t want to open herself up to the power. Bonnie tells a sad tale about how it was easier to pretend she was dead than to wonder why Abby never came back for her. Y’all, I… I just don’t care. Abby tries again, and the candles sport their boners.

Bonnie has to call Damon. After she leaves, the coffin flies open, and Abby gasps.

*YAWN*

Back at Klaus’ Mansion, Elijah wants to get down to the business of their truce. Damon wants Klaus and the Original family to leave Mystic falls, and leave him, Stefan and Elena to live happily ever after, no grudges. Elijah thinks it sounds fair, but Klaus says they underestimate how important having Elena’s blood is – he’ll never leave her behind.

He also smartly points out: how long until she’s hurt or killed by the two of them in their feuding? He posits that the most dangerous place for her to be is actually with the two of them. Damon doesn’t like hearing this and goes for some air, and Elijah follows.

Then as the asshole icing to the asshole cake, Klaus tries to get Stefan to join him in enjoying an “after dinner drink.”

Back at la Casa de Gilbert, Matt is walking Elena home. Matty, whom I sometimes think is the smartest person in this town, says that it’s the town – being is Mystic Falls it’s hard for Elena and Co. to stay out of these dead-family members situations. So wise like a miniature Buddha covered in hair, really because they walk in the house to find blood all over the place.

Because this is a horror movie again, they wisely decide to track the blood upstairs where they find Alaric, stabbed! Where?

I’m not even going to say it.

Comment, though: Alaric sure managed to get that damn blood everywhere.

Alaric doesn’t know who did it to him, and Elena is freaking out about how much blood there is. Alaric shuts her up by telling her he needs her to kill him –he doesn’t know who attacked him, so if she kills him, at least he’ll die a supernatural death and his ring will save him.

Let’s hope.

Back at Klaus’, the K-man is done drinking, so Stefan enough’s enough. He says that the only reason Klaus agreed to the evening was so that he could drive a wedge between Stefan and Damon.

Klaus: Oh, no, you’re doing that well enough on your own.

Heh. He explains that because of Elena, he’s going to lose his brother, and has only himself to blame. Just then Damon and Elijah come back in, and Damon wants to know Klaus’ decision on the truce. He wants a counteroffer. Klaus sits back down, looking rather amused.

Klaus: I offer Elena’s future happiness. You see, what she needs right now is to be rid of you lot, and to fall in love with a human. Maybe that nice football player. You know, the blond one.
Damon: Matt Donovan? Really?
Klaus: Yeah, why not? They’ll marry, live a long and fruitful life and pop out a perfect family.

Oh, man. I don’t know what it is, but the thought of Elena “popping” out kids makes me laugh. Stefan points out that this will perpetuate the Petrova blood line, which will result in a new doppelganger for Klaus to use every few hundred years. Klaus considers it a return on his investment (ROI) on keeping her safe. They give him the coffin, and he will ensure her safety for the rest of her natural life.

After his spiel is done, Klaus is all, “Deal or No Deal?”

Stefan says no deal, so Klaus, ever the gentleman, breaks his arm, breaks his leg and holds his hand into the fire.

Damon is about to make a move when Elijah vamp speeds and chokes him against the wall. He tells Damon to go get the coffin, and tells Elijah to go with him.

When they return, he promises to make good on his, um, promise to hand over the rest of their family to him.

Over at the Forbes’ Residence, Car goes to talk to her dad. He’s looking at a cheerleading trophy on her dresser.

They reminisce about how she was scared to join the squad, but he talked her into it. Bill starts to feel weak, tired. It seems Caroline is resigned to Bill’s decision, and the hurt and strength to act like nothing is wrong is written all over her face.

She asks if he wants her to call his most recent boyfriend, but he says no and just asks that she call him “when it’s over and the dust is settled.” Caroline agrees. At a last ditch attempt, Caroline tells him that he may have made a decision, but it’s not too late to change his mind. She’s sure he’s strong enough to be a vampire, he’s the strongest person she knows. He explains that his strengths is all in his convictions – he can’t become something that people aren’t supposed to become. People aren’t supposed to cheat death.

Caroline: How can you hate who I am so much?

Bill: No, no, no, sweetheart. I don’t hate you. I love you. You’re strong. You’re beautiful. You’re good. And even after everything that’s happened to you, you’re exactly who your mother and I hoped you’d grow up to me.

She starts tearfully (for her and for me) begging him not to leave her then. They embrace and he soothes her.

“Parents aren’t supposed to outlive their children, Caroline. This is what it means. This is what it means to be human.” Ugh, fuck being human then. *cries with Caroline*

Back at Klaus’ Mansion, Stefan tells Klaus to just go ahead and kill him. Klaus is disappointed that there’s no fight left in Stefan. Where’s the RIPPAH? But he’s distracted in his taunting because Elijah comes back into the room. He hasn’t left with Damon…?

Elijah: Where are your manners, brother? You forgot dessert.

He uncovers a plate of daggers! And they don’t have Original siblings around them!

Cole is there! Impeccably dressed, I might add. And looking a shitton like Elijah. Well done, casting! And Finn too.

He stabs Klaus through the hand with one of the daggers. A couple of comments: 1) He’s totes got the crazy eyes, and that creeps me out. 2) He kind of looks like a pirate. What? They could afford new threads for Cole, but not Finn? 3) Finn? Ugh. I can’t stand that name either. It reminds me of a certain tone-deaf, stiff-jointed giant manboy, and I can’t. Finn, son of Mikael, brother of Elijah, I hereby dub thee, Dread Pirate Roberts because it is more pleasing to my senses. DPR for short. Yes, I quite like that.

Now that that’s settled, where was I? Ah, yes, so DPR stabs Klaus through the hand with one of the daggers. Klaus pulls away and there’s Rebekah with another dagger that goes right into his gut.

Klaus backs away and Cole holds his arms back. Elijah dismisses Stefan and Damon.

“This is family business.” Oh, shit.

Back at Caroline’s house, Bill has finally died.

And I can’t really handle these CEARS. At Elena’s Alaric is still dead. Elena asks Matt to stay until Alaric wakes up.

“I can’t lose any more family,” she cries. Matty is such a good comforter.

Out in the woods Stefan admits to Damon that undaggering Elijah turned out to be a good idea after all. But Damon says Stefan’s still not allowed to thank him for saving his life until Damon’s repaid Stefan for all the times he saved him. Stefan’s all, “you could have left me there.” Damon could have had Elena all to himself. Damon looks like this idea annoys him, just as Elena calls him. He ignores the call. The brothers both admit to each other that they love Elena. Aww, I guess.

Let’s get back inside the mansion!

But not yet, Sheriff Mom is on the phone with Elena. Meredith has a solid alibi for the time Alaric was attacked, so it can’t be her. However, Alaric makes the third attack on a member of the Founder’s Council. Just then Alaric wakes up, and he is not in good shape.

One of these days, that ring ain’t gonna work anymore. I dread that day.

Damon and Stefan travel back down to the Cave of Miraculous Magic-Casting, and find Bonnie passed out in the… foyer-ish area. Mama witch is unconscious too, and the coffin is open. Hmm… I can’t decide if this is all good news or not.

Yay, the mansion!

Rebekah is all “I love what you did with the place, Nick.” Then she fucking throws glass at a painting. Classy, that Rebekah is.

Klaus protests that the house was supposed to be for all of them, a place where they could all live together happily ever after, as a family. “None of us would ever have to be alone again.” Y’all, there is SO MUCH in that sentence… I can’t handle. Poor Klaus… kind of.

Elijah’s all, “You’re right. None of us will be.” DPR chimes in that they’re leaving him behind. Rebekah further explains that they’re leaving him after she kills “that doppelganger witch.”

Rebekah: Then you will be alone. Always and forever.

Klaus has those punished child tears in his eyes again. I can’t.

He starts shouting that he’ll hunt all of them down, and Elijah, all calmly, is like,

“Then you’ll become everything you hate: our father.” Oh, shit. Hit him where it hurts, Elijah. Klaus shouts that he’s the hybrid and can’t be killed, so he has nothing to fear from any of them. Again, Elijah speaks up, “You will when we have that coffin.”

The KLEARS are welling!

Suddenly there’s a noise of a door, and Klaus sees her. Shock, gasping.

IT’S THEIR MOTHER! Rebekah and Elijah are equally as shocked, though, it seems Klaus is more so. One thing: her clothes are impeccable for someone who supposedly died a thousand years ago. Klaus’ tears have spilled by the time she walks up to him and demands he look up at her.

Mama Original: Do you know why I’m here?

Klaus: You’re here to kill me.
Mama Original: Niklaus, you are my son. And I am here to forgive you.

Um, what? All, that… after all that… and… she’s playing the “why can’t we all just get along?” card?? Look, I didn’t want Klaus to die AT ALL, but… really? She turns to the rest of the family and says, “I want us to be a family again.”

THE END

WHAT?! WHAT?! Oh, she has GOT to be batshit crazy, right? This can’t be fixed so easily. There has to be a catch. But I guess we’ll have to wait…

(All screencaps courtesy of hotn-caps.com)

Like a BOSS
Cin: Ok, like, Elijah is not only back but he is OWNING THE EPISODE. As he always does. Did we expect anything less? No, I most certainly did not – but I can’t lie and say I cared about a single other thing going on in this entire episode except the scenes Elijah was in. The sunlight has been cast into my dark and dreary soul and with it, everything is beautiful. *sigh* And of course, he returns being all sly and watchful but then – BOOM! – he up and kicked the episode on it’s ass. I’m so serious, why isn’t he the focal point of the entire show? Elijah is perfect.
Dayna: Elijah may not have been able to properly kick Klaus’s ass when he first came out of the coffin, but DAMN! Undaggering everyone else, telling Klaus they were doing it HIS way now, reminding him that he would STILL be alone while the rest were together, and then throwing the “you’ll be just like our father” in his face? Woo!! Elijah for the mother-fucking-win-FOREVER.
Christina: Elijah was definitely the reason for all my out-loud “OH SHIT” moments this episode. Amazing. ALWAYS AND FOREVER.
Stephanie: Is it too late to get a fictional character on the presidential ticket?
Melissa: He’d be a better candidate than anyone else on the ticket. I need that stupid Canadian show to be canceled immediately so Gillies can be on the Original spinoff that I’m convinced must happen.So BAMF.
Cin: If he goes, I may actually die. I’m not even kidding. I COULD DIE!
Abby: He was perfect. NEVER LEAVE AGAIN, ELIJAH. NEVER.

Best Laid Plans
Abby: I love Klaus when he’s got swagger but the Original Family Beat Down was pretty excellent. Daniel Gillies and Joseph Morgan are really good at the whole sibling thing, they play off each other beautifully. I bought the complex relationship completely. There was a ‘little brother being pushed around by the other kids” thing that felt completely genuine…which is CRAZY when you consider all the terrible things that Klaus has done. Also, Elijah is even more badass when he has a posse, so let’s keep going with that, shall we?
Dayna: OMG, I loved how Elijah had a handkerchief handy (because OF COURSE he did), calmly wipes hybrid blood off of his hand, and then FULL ON PUNCHES KLAUS IN THE FACE AND KNOCKS HIM THROUGH THE WALL. I equally loved Klaus’s, “Be careful! I just finished renovating!” Hee! Klaus is all house-proud, just like Damon. He’s gonna be so pissed when Rebekah starts leaving wet towels on the floor and shit.
Christina: The Original Sibling Show Down was really freaking awesome. I felt really torn, actually, while it was happening. I flove Elijah; you all know this. So I was kind of beyond happy that he was like “You know what? Fuck you. You daggered me. I’m not helping you anymore, and I’m going to fucking make you miserable for the rest of your long-ass life.” I was fist pumping, right? But over the episodes, I’ve become really attached to the asshole that Klaus is, that I was a little sad for him. Especially when he turned on the KLEARS. Lord a’mighty. HOWEVER, that said, the whole “you’re going to spend eternity ALONE,” was really fucking badass. And I am PISSED that Mama Original came in all “Why can’t we all just get along?!” UGH. But when they were all stabbing him, did anyone else think of that scene in of Scary Movie 2 where everyone in the movie theater was stabbing that chick?
Melissa: I am in love with that showdown. I will need to watch it a few thousand times. And since the serious conversation is paused below, I’m going to stay serious up here for a minute. I just loved how first, you have Elijah going ‘look Klaus, I know exactly what you want. You talk about hybrids & power & revenge but at the end of the day, you would give up everything to know your family loves you. So I brought your family back, I told them what you did, and now the people whose love you need the most, hate you.’ It’s fucking brilliant. And it so fantastically ties in to Elijah’s statement for family above all. Because at the end of the day, Kol, Finn & Rebekah are more Elijah’s family than Klaus’s. Words cannot express my excitement over this.
Also, on Klaus’ side of things, I find it so completely fascinating that he can’t figure out (yet) how to admit how much he needs them. He’s screaming and crying that he can’t be killed and his eyes are screaming ‘I’m going to be around forever so why can’t you just love me?!’
And I do actually like the idea of Mama O wanting everyone to get along. Only because you know they won’t. They’re going to fight and yell and pout and play mind games with each other and it will be the greatest thing ever.
Cin: I have to pause all serious conversation at this time to say, KOL is hot. (I object to the spelling though. I mean, why?) He can stay. Finn? I mean – WTMotherF kind of name is that? Is this a Ryan Murphy extravaganza? Is he a woodland sprite? And by the looks of him he stepped off the cover of a Harlequin novel. No. I give him 2 episodes tops until he’s redaggered or final deathed. He looked like a background player. Now Kol… I look forward to getting attached to THAT Original as well. MEOW! Anyway, both new Original brothers – were they wearing suits? Didn’t Elijah say that Klaus daggered Kol 1000 years ago? (Melissa: Finn was 900 years ago & Kol was 100) Did Elijah take them out to get a fitting after his date in the meadow with Damon? Oh, I forgot, this is Mystic Falls. Where portkeys exist and everyone acclimates to life 1000 years out of their comfort zone almost immediately.
Melissa: Kol had a shirt and vest on but if he was daggered 100 years ago he shouldn’t have as much trouble adjusting. Finn probably will but I’m sure right now he’s just focused on Klaus. Though I’d bet good money that Finn has a bone to pick with his other siblings. If he’s been “dead” 900 years, they knew about it.
Cin: But Elijah thought they were final death’d. I’m sure the rest did too. Well, except for Rebekah – i’m still fuzzy on what she knew when.
Melissa: Yeah I know Elijah thought they were at the bottom of the ocean. But I guess my brain is also fuzzily remembering that Rebekah knew about the coffins. & if she knew up until about 90 years ago, I’m figuring Kol probably did too since he’s only been daggered a century. So I would think Finn would be a bit annoyed with them. Again, its fuzzy though.
Abby: Kol is like a little Elijah. I love him already. Jury is still out on Crazy Eyed Fin.
Stephanie: He is so Elijah’s mini-me. I want to carry him in my pocket.
Christina: After I admonished my brain for going to the Ryan Murphy over “Finn,” I tried to tell myself that the kid’s REAL name is Finnick. (Melissa: PLEASE BE THIS. Also, Finnick has a K.) That would make it all better. But word to the whole instant acclimation bullcrap. Though, just me, or did Finn look like he was dressed in, like, 1800s pirate garb? Was it really a suit? Also, come on. A haircut wouldn’t hurt, people.
Cin: We need to ask someone else, because Elijah was in his frames & the new tasty Kol – so I saw that shag on his head and moved on. But he is NOT Original material. Not even close.
Melissa: I freeze-framed throughout this scene as a sacrifice for ya’ll. Yeah Finn sort of looks piraty. Actually in complete honesty, he sort of looks like the pirate version of Aragorn. With crazy eyes. Maybe he’s Blackbeard.
Kol though. I might be in love. He’s so cute! Kol looks like what would happen if Peter Pan grew up a teensy bit & became a Newsie.
Cin: I can’t let you disparage The King of Gondor in that way. Finn is NO Aragorn/Ellesar!
Stephanie: I’m telling you LoTR/TVD mash-up! It NEEDS to happen.
Melissa: I didn’t say he was Aragorn! Just that he sort of looks like what might happen if Aragron got really wasted on rum and dressed up as a pirate for gay pride week.
Cin: ROFLMAO!!! Omg, did Christina & I ever tell you when we were in NOLA a few years ago it was totally Pirate Week? There were pirates everywhere & you are right – that is a very accurate description indeed!
Melissa: HAHAHA Oh wow that must’ve been a sight to behold!
Cin: It was such a blast. You’re walking along & it’s like BOOM! Pirate!
Dayna: I really feel like the Originals storyline is suffering for being a side arc in a series that is really not about them. [Cin: PREACH!!!] All joking aside, the story has such rich potential that I think it could ONLY be done justice if it became a spin-off. All of the backstory and history and interpersonal stuff can’t help but be given short shrift within the TVD framework, because TVD is ultimately the story of Elena and the Salvatores, so everything has to come back to them, and there is SO MUCH about the Originals that can’t and shouldn’t. I love Caroline, but I was SO IRRITATED that the episode kept going back to her and Bill, to Elena and Alaric, and especially to Bonnie and her mother. I want all Originals, ALL THE TIME, and that just can’t happen while they’re playing in someone else’s sandbox.
Stephanie: Seriously, where is my Originals spin-off?! That’s a dysfunctional family I would watch marathons of daily. Their entire story and relationships with each other is just so enthralling. I need MORE.
Cin: PREACH! I mean NOW we have 6 of them in one place, and THIS is the show I want to see. No doubt in my mind. Every other thing happening in Mystic Falls can just disappear and let us have Original Family Matters from here on out!
Melissa: Dallas, as a show about a family dynasty, got 357 episodes. I will take even half of that for an Original soap opera. & Dayna you make an excellent point that this isn’t their show. So as much as we want it to be all about them, it can’t be in this framework and so if we’re only going to get miniscule moments, I too would rather have a spinoff. Preferably in the CW’s first attempt at a soap opera. The 10/9c timeslot is open Monday thru Friday. Get your Original fix, 5 nights a week!
Cin: I’m going to be straight up and say, that I will be a junky of this spin-off and I give my tolerance of TVD minus Originals *maybe* another half a season. I know this isn’t there show, believe me, the show itself keeps ramming Elena drama down our throats – but since the Originals showed up in MF they have ‘showed up’ the rest of the story lines and raised the bar. And in a side by side comparison, I get very bored with the rest of it now. Pretty much all the time. So yeah, bring a spin-off on. It would fantastic and everyone would be happy. Most of the fandom would be doubly happy & then well, we could all live in a land of rainbows forever and always!
Melissa: Ya know, people always talk about how TVD is such a rich & complex show. And it is. But I think we’re finally seeing the inherent problems with a show so full of talented cast members and story lines. Even without originals, Bonnie’s story has been decimated to the point no one cares. Matt barely has anything to do and Tyler has next to no connection to anyone anymore. And that shouldn’t be the case. Those guys are part of the core group and need to be explored. But when we also have Originals, with all of their rich history and story potential, it means too much is being sacrificed on all levels.
Cin: You are preaching to the choir there. I started running my mouth about this last season, and it’s only gotten worse and worse. It’s ALSO a problem that there are so many un-killable characters that we spot the victims when they step foot into town. Because if nothing else is maintained, by god, the body count will be!

Table Manners, or Lack Thereof


Dayna: Disappointment over the backstory aside, that dinner scene was just perfection. All four of those actors just KILLED it. Klaus telling the Salvatores the cold, hard truth about the Elena situation? Golden. The look on Damon’s face was pretty telling. I’m going to hope for my own opportunity to play the #douchbagcard and call it: Damon’s romp in the hay with whichever vamp next week is going to be his way of pushing Elena away, because I think he believed it when Klaus said she was better off without either of them.
Stephanie: Dayna it’s like you’re in my mind today. Damon’s face when Klaus bitchslapped with the truth was so heart-breaking but poignant because he totally gets it. I think he’s always kind of got it though, especially if he looks at his and Stefan’s own history. He knows that they both love Elena but realizes that who and what they are can only bring pain and trouble in addition to love and happiness into her life. It’s a double edged sword for the boys for sure. It’ll be interesting to see how the boys AND Elena act towards this cold splash of truth. Also I’m just finally glad that someone on this show is getting laid. WAY too much blue balls going around in Mystic Falls which could explain the serial killings. Everyone needs their release, right?
Melissa: Heh. I figure Damon’s getting laid because even if Elena does have a magic vagina, it’s not like anyone ever gets to experience it. He needs some action somehow.
Cin: *dies* Magic vagina. Hahahahaha – YES!
Christina: Word to the both of you. Damon needed to hear that. And the sooner they embrace it, the better. All the sooner we can have a Boys Club spin-off with these four because that would be hilarious. Dinner parties all the time. HOWEVER, anyone else thing the “truth telling” was just a manipulation tool? I bet you the Elijah/Klaus battle of Tatya was not nearly as anti-climactic as they made it out to be.
Cin: Word to ALL of you. Also, Damon is so hot for Elijah still it’s down right embarrassing for him. He idolizes the Originals, I mean it’s SOOOOOOOOOOOO obvious. I think if they told him he would be a real cool cat if he shaved his head – he’d totes do it. Wait. That’s really not a bad idea. And about the original Petrova (since she was the model the dopplegangers are made after – so she was not a doppleganger) I still stand behind what Christina & I said in our Elijah essay (link below), I think Elijah clearly loved her more and held onto those feelings so no matter what his hand in her death, because he’s Elijah & perfect he is going to hold onto a bit more guilt over it all. The same way Stefan would if something happened to Elena. Damon would stew in his grief sure, but punish himself for hundreds of years? I really don’t think so.
Stephanie: Oh I’m sure they some how ended up killing her accidentally and Elijah has never forgiven himself or Klaus for it.
Dayna: I did notice that they never said that she was killed, only that it was her blood they drank in the wine that night Mama vamped the family.
Stephanie: I noticed that too. I still think they killed her though whether before or after turning who knows.
Dayna: I still think she must have been used in the ritual that made Klaus’s werewolf side dormant.
Cin: I’m with Dayna. With the doppleganger’s blood being pivotal to release the spell on Klaus’ dormant werepire-ness, and the doppleganger’s blood being the only catalyst in the creation of a hybrid army – the original Petrova’s blood HAD to have been used in that spell as well. I mean, her blood had to have been as instrumental to Klaus’ original curse as the moonstone. Having her be the blood used to turn them into vamps was kinda not even necessary information I don’t think. I mean we already know she has to logically be tied to the hybrid curse, so how was she also tied to the vamp curse? Both were not done at the same time were they? They just unnecessarily made it more complex. And seriously, the mythology is already so cray that most of the fandom can’t keep it straight.
Melissa: I actually like the additional complexity. I think it ultimately weaves all the connections together better. We all (well a lot of us) joke about Elena’s magicalness but there has to be a reason for why everything comes back to the doppelgangers. I’m sort of randomly spitballing and possibly getting too soap opera ish but I could see Elijah & Klaus still fighting over Tatia but Klaus’ animalistic nature is putting her in danger. And then Esther wanting her family whole, and has to deal with Klaus’ wolf side, so she in essence kills 2 birds with one stone by using Tatia. I don’t know, my brain is sort of all over the place with thoughts and not processing completely. But overall, I just think that ultimately, this added wrinkle could end up smoothing out into some really cool mythology. Plus I just prefer an extremely tightly woven & complex mythology to random coincidental connections.
Abby: I wish they’d told us more about the doppelganger, I’m tired of the mystery being drawn out, or perhaps just REALLY impatient. Otherwise, though, I loved this scene and wish it could have gone on forever. [Stephanie: AGREED.] I think my favorite thing was that you really got the sense of the age difference between the two sets of brothers. I have no idea how they did it, but somehow, it just worked. Also, I liked that Stefan and Damon were, right at the beginning, a little frightened. They were sitting with Originals and fear was totally appropriate, so it worked.
Cin: This ‘Dinner for Four’ scene was my favorite scene of the season. Easily. Everything else in the episode detracted from this A plot and imagine if we’d have gotten a full 42 minutes of it? Of just Originals & Salvatores. It would have been EPIC. I mean, buck the system show. Buffy did it. Silent episode. Musicals. All I want is straight A plot. Is that really so much to ask?
Melissa: I know I’m going to get so much flack from ya’ll for this but with a few exceptions, I was so fucking bored at the dinner. I liked the points being made and I thought there were some hilarious moments. But overall? BORED. I know a lot of people were kind of blah towards this episode and as a whole I really loved it. And all the implications and unsaid things at the dinner were great. But the actual sitting at the table talking did not interest me at all.
Cin: We can agree to disagree here. Because as I have been saying all recap, ELIJAH WAS IN THIS EPISODE. And in that scene, it was just — did they talk? I couldn’t tell you. I was mesmerized. But then again, I’m extremely easy like that.

Doppleganger Mythology: FINALLY!!! Kind of.
Christina: Wait. So… The original petrova chick was named Tatya? And Elijah and Klaus both loved her? First of all, called it. #douchebadge
Abby: Again, I wish we could have had more about this in the episode. I want more info.
Cin: Abby, we have ALL wanted more of this info forever. That’s one of the things that pisses me off on this show. The slow drawn out teases on these stories and reveals and all it really accomplishes is frustrating some of us and confusing the rest. I understand needing to keep some mystery but like, when you do reveal it and we’ve all talked it to death so much that we’ve figured it out OR it’s dumb as dirt and infuriating. (I’m looking at you “Ordinary People”!) Sometimes it’s good, but just spill the beans already. Giving the fandom excess time to stew isn’t a good thing. We over think things and when that happens, it hardly ever lives up to the hype.
Christina: This was one of those moments, like in last episode with the whole Mikael looking for toddler Elena, where they mention something and just when you’re like “WAIT WHAT?!” they change topics. Infuriating.
Cin: You know what makes it even more infuriating, the fact that they not only glossed over this huge mythology reveall (2nd episode in a row to do that BTW), but they glossed over it THEN skipped to crappy B-plot story. UGH!!!
Dayna: I know this should have been one of those episodes I love and want to marry and have babies with but, ladies? I’m gonna say it: I am SO disappointed. The Klaus/Elijah competing over the original Petrova thing was just so, so, SO obvious and predictable. [Cin: See, that’s exactly what I mean. End of last season, this reveal would have had us all singing from the heavens. Now that we’ve thought about it to death and had it figured out forever... *crickets*] Even more disappointing was the way they totally downplayed it all like, “Oh yeah, we both were into this chick, but bros before hos, ya know?” I am clinging by my fingernails to the hope that the downplaying was all for the Salvatores benefit, at least on Elijah’s part. Klaus has NEVER acted with Katherine or Elena like the resemblance and, by extension, the original girl meant anything to him, whereas Elijah has. PLEASE let him just be fronting!
Christina: I think he might be. I kind of commented on this in the section above. Elijah clearly loved this chick. Dude. His look in episode 2.19 “Klaus” ALONE when Elena comes back to Lockwood Manor so Elijah can continue telling her his story. That look ALONE tells you that he is tied to that face much more strongly than he’s letting on.
Stephanie: I think it’s in Nina’s contract that her character(s) have to be in love with every male lead at least once.
Christina: I think that might be true. Remember last season when she (as Elena/Katherine) was making out with like everybody? I kind of wanted to be her. Okay, I did want to be her. Sounds like a sweet deal to me.
Stephanie: WORD. Is it too late to sign up?
Melissa: I have to talk in this section and I don’t know where to really jump in so we’ll just go from here. First, I’m holding out judgment on the Klaus/Elijah loving the original Petrova thing. Just because since this has been suspected for so long, there has to be more to the story. But two things that make me go WHAT THE FUCK. 1) Tatia means fairy. I’ll kill someone if the show goes there. FUCK THAT NOISE. 2) How did Abby Bennett know about Mikael, know Elena was the doppelganger but not know who the fuck Klaus is?! 3) Ya’ll Klaus & Elijah are talking like they were in the exact same boat as the Salvatores. 2 single brothers in love with the same girl. But in S2, Elijah said he had a family. A family?! So what the fuck is going on? Did Elijah have a different family and an illicit affair? Did his first wife die and then he became in love with Tatia? Or is that kid that Tatia had secretly his? Which would make him Elena’s like zillion times great-grandpa. I NEED TO KNOW.

Psycho Killer, Qu’est-ce Que C’est
Christina: I’m going to go ahead and say it’s Kathi. I bet you she and Elena have the same finger prints. When this turns out to be true, I totally reserve the right to throw down my #douchebadge.
Dayna: Totally agree, Christina. I mean, how is Katherine NOT Elena and Alaric’s first guess when the Sheriff said Elena’s prints were on the stake? What I can’t figure yet is exactly WHY Katherine would go after Bill and Alaric. She’s always managed to maneuver around the Council just fine — I can’t see her being worried about them now. She must be up to Plan W(TF).
Christina: Ooh, what if it turns out to be Tatya? Hahahaha. My sides.
Cin: Forget Tatya, it’s Charlotte!
Stephanie: I can believe it’s Charlotte more than anyone else. Also maybe she’s all high tech and crap and planted Elena’s prints on the stake because there’s no way Kat and Elena have the same prints. Identical twins don’t even have the same prints. I really want Charlotte to be some high tech serial killer/monster hunter. It’ll just add to the WTF-ness of this show. But in all seriousness maybe it’s Jeremy coming back to be like, ‘Listener Motherfuckers, you can’t just kick me out of the group like that!’.
Cin: Ohhhh, me likey the idea of a serial killing Jeremy! He would be AH-MAH-ZING and like maybe they will finally get around to showing those side effects of over compulsion. Thanks, Steph. Now my brain wheels are turning. LOL
Melissa: I won’t lie my first thought when they said it was Elena’s prints was that Miranda or Grayson or both of them aren’t really dead. But in all seriousness, this whole serial killer thing really is confusing. I mean, I actually really like it because it’s confusing and twisted and not the traditional supernatural deaths but still. Someone’s targeting the council but they’re framing Elena, the one person that honestly no one would believe did it. Elena especially wouldn’t go after the people being targeted. So that sort of logic is just stupid. And as far as the prints go, I’m just assuming the prints were planted, not that someone has the same ones as Elena. Katherine seems too easy. Plus what does she have to gain? If she went after Liz & Carol, who are on decent terms with Klaus at the moment I could understand that. But Alaric & Bill make no sense. Neither does the examiner’s death. UGH. My brain hurts.
Cin: It’s TVD, Melissa. If you’re brain isn’t hurting, you’re doing it wrong.
Melissa: SCRATCH ALL OF THAT. They’re bringing in Sage right? And I know next to nothing about Sage except 3 things. In the book Sage is male (so people are pissed about that change. Whatever). Sage is a kitsune (At least I read that somewhere). Kitsunes can take on human form. (In traditional mythology, no idea if TVD books did that too). I mean, what if? Kitsunes can assume the form of a human, so why not the fingerprints? And they’re tricksters. Constantly playing mind games. Shit ya’ll. Okay someone either talk me off this ledge or give me enough support to just go ahead and jump off a mythology cliff.
Stephanie: I have nothing to say to this except you are smarter than I.
Cin: OK, I did not no about book Sage. BUT from my vast Supernatural watching background, you are TOTALLY right about Kitsunes they sure as shit can. And OMFG! It’s totally Sage doing it all. And Cassidy Freeman is playing Sage and I *LOVE HER* (we share a birthday & she’s brilliant), and she DID say her character was a cold blooded killer. Now, on TVD that could mean anything, but now it’s all clicking into place. AWESOME BRAINWORK, MELISSA! You have just solved the murders. Now, when the time comes, we can all vouch for your #douchbadge. LOL
Melissa: Yes! I’ll set aside some money for the jar when the time comes.

Daddy Issues
Abby: I don’t care how it happened, I’m glad Bill Forbes is dead forever. Poor Caroline, though! Clearly she needs someone coughKLAUScough to console her. With more diamonds.
Dayna: Honest to GOD, how much more does this girl have to endure?
Christina: Word. When I saw him sitting there in the closet in the hospital, I thought he had slit his own throat. Besides that being such a drama queen move, I was like “Goddamn Bill. His last act in life was to destroy himself so he wouldn’t become what Caroline is. Way to damage her self-esteem even more.” But turns out, I guess, he didn’t do it. But the whole “parents aren’t supposed to outlive their children” conversation really got to me. He didn’t love WHAT she was, but he loved WHO she was, unconditionally, and that was really sweet and it had me crying a little bit. But I think the most moving part of this whole story line was that scene where Caroline was asking Elena what it was like to lose her father. And, ya’ll. I can’t. I was thinking about this all night, and I think this is the moment I sort of shut down and had a hard time paying attention to the rest of the episode. Let’s just say I can completely relate. And everything Elena said is right. And it sucks, to put it lightly. I couldn’t really handle this story line at all. But this scene was really nicely acted, and I hope this story line just opens up the opportunity for Caroline to shine on screen again. I’ve missed her. I want her to shine like that diamond bracelet Klaus gave her.
Stephanie: As long as she doesn’t shine like a pearl necklace.
Christina: Gross. I love you.
Dayna: Goddamn you people. Beverage warnings!!
Cin: Again, I checked out on this whole sub-plot. I don’t share those Daddy issues and while Caroline is usually my catalyst to feel all things emotional – Elijah was in this episode. Let me repeat: ELIJAH WAS IN THIS EPISODE. I was feeling no pain or angst. None. Also, Bill was such a douche I’m surprised he wasn’t a were. Glad he’s gone. I am slightly disappointed that we’ll never get to see him fondle Tyler again, but when have I ever gotten what I want when it comes to Tyler? *shrug*
Melissa: I was emotional because when Caroline cries, I cry. But I’m happy Bill’s gone in all honesty. However, I’m more happy that Bill’s gone because if he’s gone, there’s no one to keep working with Tyler so maybe that means Tyler can die.

What’s in the Box Coffin?!
Christina: Well, that was anti-climactic. I was REALLY hoping it was the original petrova chick.
Dayna: We are so on the same page, Christina. I realize that Nina Dobrev kinda has enough to do, but that would have been more interesting to me than to have it be Mama (which I was totally spoiled on because I totally went and watched the leaked promo.)
Melissa: I didn’t even have a choice really on the promo. I mean I did, obviously but I was online when it first came out and didn’t have any warning so everyone assumed it wasn’t anything big and then I got epically spoiled. So yeah, it was anti-climactic since I knew going in that it was Mama O. But before I knew, I wanted it to be her more than I wanted the Original Petrova. How many magical fairy vaginas does one show need?
Abby: I think I’d have enjoyed it more if the Bennett stuff wasn’t so ridiculous and boring.
Stephanie: I agree with all of you. This revelation just wasn’t that surprising. It was definitely predictable. However, I still think Mama Original will be the big bad of the season.
Christina: I mean, it IS interesting that’s Mama Original. Because she was dead and they buried her. And now she’s back — OH! Also. Was she not wearing the same dress from the flashback? If so, how was it not all tattered to shit after being 1000+ years old? [Stephanie: Klaus must know some great archival techniques that he needs to share with the world] Anyway, but she’s back. How? She’s not even a vampire. She’s just a witch. Fuckery. There is fuckery afoot. BUT, even with all that, her “let’s all get along” attitude really made me mad, which is what prompted my “Oh for chrissake” tweet haha.
Dayna: Also, wasn’t she supposedly “on the other side?” Or was it AYANNA who was the powerful witch on the other side, and we were just led to believe it was Mama?
Cin: Ok. Now I’m confused. Who is Ayanna? Was she from the that bullshit backstory episode earlier this year [Christina: Yes, the witch chick who helped Mama Original], because you guys – I really can’t talk about that episode again. Just them bringing up the fact there were even MORE Eastern Europeans in pre-Colonial Virginia last night… no. So yeah, I have to tune most of that out before I pop a blood vessel.
Melissa: I’m pretending that the viking shit doesn’t exist.
Stephanie: So is she like a hybrid too? Only a witch/vamp one? I’m getting confused about how the fuck she’s not a decomposed body. I guess she could have given herself immortality and I just missed that so AYANNA helped Klaus trap her.
Dayna: For that matter, what was Klaus’s purpose in carting her around if he thought she was going to kill him if she ever woke up/came back to life? Why not just dump her in the ocean?
Melissa: I suspect that we will not only learn how she gave herself immortality as well as I think Klaus assumed she was truly dead. I haven’t yet got the impression that Klaus ever expected to see his mother alive. I think he believed she was truly dead.
Stephanie: It’s obvious Klaus suffers from separation issues. Once again that entire family needs to head to the nearest family psychiatrist and use dolls to express their feelings.
Dayna: Damn, I bet they’d go through A LOT of dolls.
Stephanie: LOL. No doubt.
Melissa: Dolls. Hee. That just me think of Penny not being close to her sister doll and using the doll to be like he touched me here and here but he wouldn’t touch me here. Why wouldn’t he touch me here?
Cin: That’s the crossover that needs to happen: The Vampire Diaries Happy Endings. It’d cast a whole new meaning to Blackass!
Melissa: DEAD.
Stephanie: OMG I LOVE YOU BOTH!!!!!!! I’m going to have write a special post now of TVD/HappyEndings crossover fanfic made out of pictures!
Cin: OMG! You totally like *HAVE* to. This is the most epic thing, well, since Elijah came back!!!
Stephanie: DONE. Starting it this weekend.
Cin: Every single way I’m envisioning this, it like, just gets more & more ah-mah-zing by the second! I am seriously excited about this!
Melissa: Can you imagine a dinner party at the diner? DRAMA!!! And Max would totally spend it hitting on each of the original brothers to see which one would let him get lucky.
Stephanie: Guys, Alex’s store? New soap dish.

Wait, There Were Bennetts On Screen And Other Random Bits
Christina: Boring. I so sick and tired of Bonnie huffing and puffing and exiting stage left.
Abby: WORD. They were completely dull, and I resented every moment of their screentime. AGAIN.
Dayna: WORD SQUARED. Seriously, Bennetts are just The Worst.
Stephanie: WORD⁵. Will the damn Bennetts just do SOMETHING interesting for once?!
Cin: I seriously ignored them. Like, only knew they were on screen b/c it meant I could stick my nose in my BlackBerry. I just don’t get WHY they keep trying to make the Bennett’s happen. THEY ARE NOT HAPPENING, SHOW!
Melissa: That promo did not help the Bennett storyline. Knowing who was in the coffin meant I wasn’t paying a bit of attention to the Bennetts. Make them interesting or keep them off my screen.
Abby: While I did get sick of the Bennetts (YAWN) I will say that this episode had some GREAT lines. It did feel a little choppy though, going back and forth between the storylines. Emotional whipash galore.
Christina: The only lines I really enjoyed came from Klaus and Elijah. Klaus especially during that dinner party scene. He’s a fucking hoot.
Dayna: Klaus was awesome. [Abby: ALWAYS!] That giggle when Elijah asked about Elena was priceless. I could sit with bitchy-gossip-Klaus forever. Or, you know, until he ripped my throat out. I also enjoyed Damon’s “Hey, remember how you killed Dad? Maybe hold off on the judgment until dessert,” or whatever the exact wording was.
Stephanie: Damon’s ‘Dad’ line was my favorite of the episode. You know, besides his ‘XOXO’ sign off in his love letter to Elijah.
Abby: I found Matt’s presence to be a little strange. Nice, that he’s there for his friends, but it seemed out of place.
Stephanie: Maybe Matt is dressing up as Ghostface and going around killing Council members because they don’t care about orphaned kids?
Abby: YES PLEASE.
Dayna: That? Would be A-W-E-S-O-M-E. And give him a, you know, purpose for still being on the show. (PS. How cool is it that Klaus is all Team Matt?)
Stephanie: Klaus being Team Matt is ADORABLE. But also because I imagine that he thinks he and Matt could pass for brothers so I think he wants Matt to hook up with Elena so he and Caroline can go on double dates with them. Maybe they can even be Doublemint Twins and dress the same way in pictures. Now I NEED a Matt/Klaus epic bromance of them goofing around and riding a tandem bicycle.
Christina: Double the pleasure, double the fun
Cin: *DYING FOREVER* You complete me, Stephanie. You really, really do.
Dayna: o_0 Um, wow.
Melissa: Stephanie you are perfection. I need this picture to be real.
Stephanie: I’m working on it. Photoshop powers have been activated.
Abby: I don’t understand the point of having Elena kill Alaric other than as setup for the fact that the doppelganger counts as a supernatural creature…which we already knew. That whole thing felt a little off. Also, WHY would she and Matt wander around the Gilbert house when the lights were off? HOW MANY TIMES HAS ELENA BEEN SURPRISED BY SOMEONE SCARY IN THAT HOUSE?
Christina: Idiots, the lot of them.
Stephanie: I’m going to need Elena to take Randy from Scream’s Horror Film Survival 101 class ASAP.
Christina: I’LL BE RIGHT BACK!
Dayna: I think Elena needs that all-day helmet that Price Peterson is always talking about.

Do You: Like Me? Like-Like Me? (check one)
Abby: Damon’s note to Elijah was, in fact, PERFECTION.
Dayna: The XOXO, the wink, the looks across the table… seriously, those two need to just go fuck already.
Christina: The XOXO made me laugh because I’ve been marathoning Gossip Girl for the past month or so, so I was expecting it to say “XOXO, Gossip Girl.” I LOL’d.
Stephanie: Greatest. Letter. Ever.
Cin: Someone totally tweeted “Wait. Is Damon Salvatore Gossip Girl?” ROFL! Also, as I stated earlier – he would bend over for Elijah without batting an eye. The lust is actually reaching embarrassing levels at this point.

Murdith
Abby: I’m having difficulties with Meredith Fell just being in the know. It feels abrupt, perhaps because there was so much more lead up with the other characters getting in on the secret? I don’t know. It just feels a little off.
Christina: I agree because who the fuck is she? And she’s like in it, but not totally in it. And I know she’s only been around for 3 episodes, but they make her seem very, very important, and I know that all will be revealed in due time, but I was honestly hoping Meredith would be a cooler character. Not just a “oh, I don’t know if I trust her” kind of character, but a totally awesome character. And love interest for Alaric. Why does everything in Alaric’s life have to be so goddamn complicated? Come here, Alaric. I’ll make it all better. And I won’t make you buy me tampons.
Dayna: Yeah, thanks for making me choke on that last swallow of coffee, Christina. Man, between the blatant hangover, leaving the empty bottles lying around, and telling Elena about drunk-dialing a girl at 2:00 a.m., I’m just waiting for the inevitable “favorite sexual positions” conversation between Alaric and HIS STUDENT.
Stephanie: Guys, I need to hear a recording of Alaric’s drunk dials and booty calls.
Dayna: See, now THAT is some shit that Matt Davis ought to record and then link to on Twitter.
Cin: That would be the most glorious thing EVER! But on Meredith, I totally understand exactly what ya’ll are saying. It’s like why is she important again? Because she’s Meredith & a Fell? Sorry, that’s not cutting it for me. This entire murder mystery shenanigans is just a bunch of garbage. We don’t have the need or time for this crap. AND twitter predictably freaked out when Alaric got hurt/died AGAIN, but not me. That boy’s cried wolf one too many times for me to keep freaking out over it. And what is so bad is, one day they really will kill him and I won’t even register it for like 10 minutes because I’ll be waiting for him to come back. Also, ELIJAH WAS IN THIS EPISODE!
Melissa: I actually found it awesome that Meredith keeps a running tally on the vampires in town. You’d think someone would at this point. Though I definitely agree that she’s just sort of blah at this point. I want more awesome from the character so many people have been waiting on. But in Meredith’s defense, I wasn’t over the moon about Elijah in his first couple episodes. And now he owns my soul. So maybe Meredith will surprise me.
And yes, Matt Davis needs to put together a collection of Alaric whiskey-dialing.

Stefan, STFU!
Dayna: I was all for Stefan pulling shit on Klaus and lipping off at him, but this sullen, jealous ex-boyfriend act after everything? Aw HELL no! Stefan can officially go fuck himself.
Stephanie: I’m starting to think Stefan is bi-polar. His mood swings are just getting out of control.
Dayna: Seriously, I know I’m a party of one here in the SBH with being pro-Damon and anti-Stefan, but JeeZus.
Stephanie: Hey I’m pro-Damon too! We’re a party of two here. I just wish he’d shake Stefan silly and be like ‘Bro, YOU GAVE HER UP! It’s my turn now so get over it. By the way, you always did suck at sharing.’
Dayna: I’m not alone anymore? *sniff* And I didn’t even have to sacrifice a doppelganger and make little hybrid babies!
Stephanie: And I wasn’t even compelled either. Now we can hold each other when shit hits the fan and Damon does something stupid again to make everyone hate him.
Dayna: So, next week then? Great, it’s a date!
Stephanie: I’ll bring the alcohol.
Dayna: I’ll handle the chocolate.
Abby: You know, I was going to say something here about Stefan being a Grade A Certified Jackass this episode, but I think I’d rather just watch you two bond over chocolate and wine. You’re like a Hallmark movie of 2 right now. ADORABLE.
Cin: ROFL! I’m with Abby.
Stephanie: *crossing ‘star in a Hallmark movie’ off bucket list*. Well at least you didn’t say starring in a whale movie with Drew Barrymore.
Christina: Oh, John Krasinski.
Melissa: LMAO. I still like Stefan this episode because he basically told Bonnie to STFU & get shit done. And I just find his petulant two year old routine hilarious. PS. I will always hate Damon no matter what awesome things he does. Sometimes I like him for a moment but that’s it.

From the Tweetosphere
@thomascgalvin: Dear Elijah: All of these people suck and are ugly. Let’s be awesome and hot together. xoxo -Damon #TVD
@thomascgalvin: “The Vampire Diaries” should be renamed “Vampires Fight Over Nina Dobrev” #TVD
@cadlymac: Hey, remember Bonnie being sooooo sure that whatever’s in the coffin would be the key to killing Klaus? Bonnie fail. #again #andagain

Oh goody another episode that opens with Bonnie in a dream.

She’s wandering through the cemetery looking at the grave stones of all her dead (female) relatives when she comes to the locked coffin.

As she’s trying to open it, Klaus comes up behind her and taunts her: “I can figure out how to open it. Can you?”

And then he bites her! Oh for this to not be a dream! Bonnie gasps awake… but she’s locked inside a coffin. I… I can’t even write about it. *shudder*

She screams and bangs and eventually it opens, and there’s a chick looking inside at her.

Oh, it was another dream. What kind of Inception shit is this?!

Bonnie is telling Elena that she’s been having the same dreams over and over again – like the witches are trying to tell her something. Elena, for some reason, is surprised that they kept the coffins a secret from her for so long. Really, Elena? Bonnie explains that if she had known, Klaus more than likely would have tortured or killed someone to get the secret out of her, and knowing how much Elena likes being a protector, we all know how that would have turned out. Bonnie explains the coffins hold Elijah and two others, and the fourth coffin holds some secret.

Stefan comes in all P.O.’d that Elena’s down there, but Bonnie needs her help finding someone to help open the coffin – her mother! Dun dun dun! *shrug*

Over at la Casa de Gilbert, Elena and Bonnie are looking through driver’s license photos of every Abby Bennett in the country that Elena got from the Sheriff’s office. Oh, so many questions. 1) They just give that shit out? 2) Why didn’t they just Bing her?

Bonnie thanks her for helping, and Elena asks why not just let Stefan worry about opening the coffin since he sort of created this problem, but Bonnie explains that it’s spelled shut, so it’s sort of her territory.

Oooh, look who’s decided to be all helpful!

Speaking of helpful people, I guess Damon’s also got the bug because he comes in with some very interesting information. Abby Bennett Wilson, who lives in Monroe, NC. That’s about 30-40 mins away from Charlotte, where Mikael was trapped in that tomb. Remember this folks; it comes into play later. (Also, can I just take a minute to squee about this show taking place where I used to live? Shiiit, y’all. Now I’m all nostalgic.). And just for shits and giggles, let’s say that Mystic Falls is probably around 5ish hours from Charlotte, give or take. Let’s play a game called how long does it take the girls to get there!

Damon wants to go, but Elena says no. Bonnie notices that they’re being weird (when aren’t they?) and Damon says “We kissed. Now it’s weird.”

Hee! Well, alright then.

Over at the Forbes residence, Tyler is there to apologize, yet again,

and Caroline is all “you bit me, you dick!” She doesn’t say dick, but she should’ve! Tyler explains that he told Klaus no, but it happened anyway, proving that he can’t control it. Which is why he had Sheriff Mom call in CarDaddy.

Oh, CarDaddy. You best behave; we’re watching you.

Tyler wanted him to come because he figured if he can teach Caroline to withstand compulsion, then maybe he can teach Tyler to withstand the sire bond. And that sentence just sort of felt dirty.

But don’t worry, kids, the HoNo gets much worse as the episode wears on. Caroline asks if he actually can help, and CarDaddy says he’s going to try. Why?

Devil Incarnate: Because he made a mistake and he wants to make good. And I can understand that.
Cin & Christina: We’re still watching you.

Over at the Mystic Grill, Alaric and Meredith are on a booze date (in Alaric’s world, those are the only kind). He offers her another beer, but she says no because she has to work in 15 minutes and a drunk doctor is a bad doctor. Which is true. Just ask Jack Shephard. Alaric says “Well it depends on what kind of drunk you are.” NO, ALARIC. NO, IT DOES NOT. Meredith says she’s an angry drunk, and they both agree that’s bad. Now, take for instance Jack Shephard. He’s a weepy drunk. Also bad. Drunk doctors are bad doctors, Alaric, okay? Okay. As she leaves, he’s all “next time, dinner?” and she agrees.

And that’s when Damon walks up. Looks like Alaric schedules his dates back to back. Damon asks what Meredith’s damage is – any girl that hot and that smart has to have something wrong with her. Of course she does, douchenozzles. Alaric admits he’s looking for red flags, like the fact that her ex called her a psychopath in front of him at the Council Meeting/Gala, but Damon says the words of an ex can’t be taken seriously.

Then he takes a look at the bill, inhales sharply and hands it to Alaric. Jesus. 1) How much was that bill that Damon, who is supposedly loaded, looks at a bill that like, and 2) Holy shit, Alaric.

Damon reminds him that his exes wouldn’t say anything about him because they’re dead, and Alaric mentions that Meredith’s ex is the medical examiner, who Damon knows is also dead. He was staked through the heart like a vampire.

Damon: If I were a cop, your sexy doctor lady friend would be a suspect.

That’s just fun to say.

Back at the SBH, Klaus is just chillin on one of our velvet couches sipping our fancy brandy (it’s okay, he’s allowed). Stefan asks him what he’s doing there, and Klaus says, “Enjoying our stalemate.” Klaus points out that he did what Stefan wanted, so now he wants to know what he has to do to get his family back. Stefan’s not into negotiating.

Instead, he wants Klaus to leave, give him a call in a few years and then they’ll talk. Klaus isn’t into that. He wants to strike another deal, and as Stefan is in the middle of explaining that if Klaus does one thing, he’ll drop—

when Klaus interrups him with a “Hahaha, yes.” And dear lord, you guys. You know that’s our Klaus weakness. “Crazy Stefan. How’s that working out for you? Any friends left?” Oh, burn!

Out on the open road Bonnie and Elena are making their way down to North Cakalacky in Bonnie’s Prius. Hold up. This girl don’t got no guardians, and she’s got money for a Prius? I call Shenanigans. Anyway, Bonnie is getting all sentimental about how she hasn’t seen her mom is so long. She just left. Never wrote, never called, not even when Grams died. Bonnie tries to change the subject to Elena and Damon and their kiss. Elena refuses to talk about it, but Bonnie just wants to know one thing: was it good?

Elena: Doesn’t matter.

Bonnie: That means it was.

Ha! Oh, god Bonnie just made me laugh. I don’t know what to do with myself!

Just then Bonnie’s phone rings. It’s Stefan. Bonnie was supposed to call him as soon as she got the address, but Elena tells her not to answer it because nobody should ruin this reunion 15 years in the making. But Stefan will just keep calling. So Elena decides to answer the phone for her. Elena tells him they’re spending the night at the lake house until they get more addresses from Sheriff Forbes. He explains that Klaus is getting antsy, but Elena brushes him off.

Problem is, Stefan’s at her house right now and of course they neglected to bring the information sheet on Abby Bennett Wilson so he sees it. Because of course.

Back in town, Klaus is on the phone with one of his hybrids, and they’re having a nice chat. Klaus misses them, and vaguely good looking blond hybrid says all he needs to do to get them back is say the word. Awww. But Klaus has other plans. He sends the hybrid out on his mission.

The hybrid goes up to the front door of a house and who should open the door but Abby Bennett Wilson! He smiles at her, and I don’t like the look of this.

Next thing we know, the girls are pulling up to the house (and the sun seems to be the right position in the sky for them to have driven there, so kudos to the continuity master on that one).

They ring the doorbell and a young man comes up the porch to greet them. He tells Bonnie she looks familiar, and Bonnie tells him Abby is her mom.

He… doesn’t really seem… too shocked by this. He invites them inside, offers them a refreshment (they take water. Good because coconut water is the devil).

He explains that he’s NOT her half-brother. His dad and her mom dated a while ago, but his dad was a deadbeat, and Abby took him in. Just then Abby comes in, and as soon as Bonnie says her own name, there is recognition in Abby’s eyes.

Just to be absolutely clear, Bonnie adds “your daughter.” I really like the painting of the goats in the background.

Back in Mystic Falls in the Pit of Despair the Lockwood Cellar, they’re chaining Tyler up for his and Bill’s first session. Oh, god, that felt dirty too. Caroline asks how the process works. Bill, a.k.a. CarDaddy, explains that it’s basically all mental. Tyler feels like he owes Klaus for taking away his pain and suffering of having to turn every full moon.

So what Tyler has to do to overcome that is turn on his own. If he owns the pain, he owes Klaus nothing, and the sire bond goes away. Now that he’s a hybrid, he can turn at will. Tyler protests that IT HURTS IT HURTS when he turns, so he doesn’t want to, but Bill explains that he has to make himself do it to get his freedom. “How badly do you want it?” *giggles* Also, just me or is Bill keeping his hands on Tyler longer than really necessary.

Anyway, Tyler agrees to it and starts to turn. Well, that wasn’t so hard after all, was it, Ty?

Back in NC, Bonnie is looking around the kitchen of Abby’s house. Abby comes back in and they start chatting. Apparently she and Elena’s mom were best friends back in the day in MF.

Bonnie’s all, “you had a daughter and a best friend, and you still left?!” Abby explains that it was because of Miranda that she left. Ya see, 15 years ago, a vampire came to town looking for Elena – for the doppelganger. No one could manage to kill him, so Abby lured him out of town, and desiccated him in a tomb in Charlotte – MIKAEL! She says it took every ounce of power she had; in fact, it almost killed her. And she lost her powers forever.

Wait a sec. Can we go back and talk about how Mikael was in Mystic Falls 15 years ago looking for Elena? WTF is that about? And then just dropping it and going back to the whole Bonnie story line. No, I want to talk about this. Why 15 years ago? And why Mikael? What was he doing? Was he trying to head off Klaus? Would Klaus have killed a 3 year old? Probably. There is so much story here! Damn them for playing it off! UGH!

Anyway, so Bonnie’s all pissed because even with her powers gone, Abby didn’t come back. Why the fuck not? As much as it pains me to say this, but BonBon’s kind of got a point here, and her rage is not misplaced. Then she declares that coming here was a mistake because Abby can’t help with no powers, and starts to storm out, but Abby stops her.

Elena volunteers to go wait outside, so she decides to take it upon herself to hang out in the barn? Anyway, Stefan’s there all, “Hi, Elena. Nice lake house.”

Oh, snap!

Back in Mystic Falls, Damon’s come to the hospital and is saying hi to Meredith, who says his name like she doesn’t know exactly who he is. Pssh. What’s he doing here? Damon says he likes to wave to the newborns through the window. Cute. He apologizes for her ex-boyfriend, whose death certificate says “animal attack,” and it has her signature on it. She’s all, “what was I supposed to write? ‘Staked like a vampire’?”

He’s basically checking on her because Ric likes her and if she turns out to be a psychopath that would be bad for Alaric (also, psychopath doctors are not good either. Listening, Ric?). As he’s leaving, she sticks him in the neck with a syringe of vervain! PSYCHO! Also, a little proud of her. Never let your guard down, Damon. Tsk tsk.

While he’s passed out, she sneaks vial of his blood. Oh, shit, what is she doing? He starts to wake up, so she leaves him there.

Back down in the Pit of Despair, Tyler is busy breaking every bone in his body. He says he can’t do anymore, and Caroline tries to defend him when Bill insists he keeps going.

If she can’t handle it, she should leave. So she does.

And Bill picks up an axe and starts… fucking hacking at Tyler. Look, I hate Tyler, but that’s not cool Bill. If only because it’s fucking weird.

He’s all, “your being sired to Klaus is putting my daughter in danger, so either you turn now or I kill you.” Hard fucking core, eh? This is the best worst episode of Intervention ever.

Tyler continues, screaming and moaning, and, I’m getting uncomfortable.

Good, time to get back to NC! Abby compliments Bonnie again, and Bonnie tells her to “stop with the muffins and the compliments.” LOL.

She just wants to truth – why didn’t Abby come home? Abby explains that she didn’t have any power, so in the new city, she got to be Abby Wilson, the woman, not Abby Bennett, the witch. She starts going on about how Grams is way better at this stuff than she is, and Bonnie has to break the news to her that Grams is dead and relays how it happened.

So now that Bonnie knows her story, Abby wants to know what brings Bonnie down there.

Bonnie starts to tell her about her dream, about how she thought Abby was supposed to help them. Abby admits that she can’t do spells anymore, but the earth still provides herbs, so maybe there’s something she can do. Like make a salad? She doesn’t elaborate.

Bonnie doesn’t think she’ll help either, but Abby basically begs.

Outside, Stefan is all, “this is exactly why I didn’t want you in the loop!”

And Elena counters, “yeah, because now you can’t do anything you want.” To prove to her that he can, Stefan turns around and kicks a chair.

Jamie hears the commotion and comes looking. Elena tries to urge him back upstairs, but he refuses, so Stefan starts to try to compel him and Jamie leaves. Elena’s all, “I don’t think you realize how bad you’ve gotten!” I think he has, but whatever. But then Jamie comes back around the corner with a shotgun – someone compelled him before Stefan!

And as soon as Stefan can say this, Jamie shoots him. Where? Why, in the gut of course! Because that’s where everyone is always stabbed or shot on this show.

Inside, Bonnie and Abby hear the noise, and Bonnie runs to see what’s up.

A step behind her, Abby pours a powdered herb into her hand and then puts her hand around Bonnie’s air holes. Oh, shit x2!

Back in Alaric’s apartment, Ric is pumping some iron. I’m guessing so he looks extra good for his sexy lady doctor friend (hehe). He asks what Damon’s doing there. Damon, apparently, is looking for a bunny. At first I’m all, “This place isn’t on the list!” But then Damon looks in the pot sitting on Alaric’s stove. Fatal Attraction ref FTW! Damon tells Ric that he really does want to bulk up if he’s going to date psycho doc for self-defense purposes. He tells Alaric about how she vervained him and then “blood-jacked” him when he went to the hospital to accuse her of killing her ME ex-boyfriend.

There, he proved that she’s a psycho. Alaric doesn’t seem that satisfied.

Back in NC, Jamie is tying Elena to a post in the barn, and Elena sees Abby putting Bonnie into the back of her car. Stefan is still writhing in pain.

Over in the Lockwood cellar, so is Tyler. And Bill is watching. Ooh, kinky.

Suddenly TYLER MAD TYLER PULL CHAINS FROM WALL! He tells Bill to run, but Bill doesn’t make it out fast enough. RUH ROH!

Out on some deserted road, Abby’s gone to meet with the hybrid who met her before the girls got there. Bonnie didn’t tell her where the coffins were because Stefan showed up. And she’s not going to be able to get Bonnie to talk to her again. The hybrid suggests she try again.

Abby appeals to Bonnie. If Bonnie doesn’t tell her where the coffins are, Jamie, through compulsion from the hybrid, will kill himself. Bonnie swears she can’t – “this goes beyond you and me.” As Abby’s begging her, she types a message on her phone. “Warn your friends.” Hmm.

Back at the barn, Elena is trying to cut her restraints on a bolt in the post. Jamie threatens to shoot Stefan again if Elena keeps moving. Elena decides to try to logic her way out of this. He explains to her what the hybrid told him about killing himself if Bonnie doesn’t let slip the location of the coffins. He also says he has express orders to not hurt Elena, so she fakes it until he gets close enough –

then she breaks free and smacks him in the face with the butt of his own rifle! You go, Glen Coco Elena!

Elena runs over to Stefan and proceeds to dig the wooden buck shot out of his chest with her bare hands. Girl, look at where you’re from. Look at what you’ve been through. Don’t you think it’s high time you started carrying around some rubber gloves for moments just like this?

Back at Witch house, Damon realizes the witches are hiding the coffins. It’s because Klaus is there!

Klaus thinks it’s pretty funny that Damon’s hiding behind his “witchy friends and in squalor no less.” The witches don’t think this is funny because they all get their candle boners on and MIND BULLET Klaus, who screams!

Damon: Insulting a bunch of dead witches, not smart.

Word. But Klaus seems to have a plan. He explains to Damon that the funny thing about witches, dead or alive, is that they care for their own.

Klaus: A hundred dead witches have a thousand living descendants.

And I have no problem killing every last one of them if I don’t get my coffins back. As we speak my hybrid friend is prepared to end the Bennett line.

Just me, or is Klaus screaming kind of hot? I mean, I need a fan, y’all.

And just like that, the candle boners are gone, and so is the pain. “Now, please. Show me the coffins.” And magically they appear.

Man, those witches are wusses. But there’s one problem. The fourth coffins is missing! Damon says he moved it. He didn’t have time to move them all, but he had time to move one. Klaus threatens to tear him limb from limb. “Only then when you are a writhing mass of blood and flesh, will I rip heart from your chest.”

But Damon isn’t falling for it like the dumb witches. He knows Klaus wanted his family, but obvs he wanted what was in that locked coffin even more.

"Dammit, I need those Henleys."

Over at the hospital, Alaric has decided to pay Meredith a visit. She knows he spoke to Damon, who wasn’t supposed to wake up so soon. She gave him enough vervain to keep him out for hours, but Alaric explains how Damon was growing an immunity to iocane powder vervain. Alaric wants to know what she’s up to, and she decides to show him – with the patient being wheeled in, Bill Forbes!

Back in NC, Elena rips the last piece out of Stefan’s chest. We’re just going to overlook the fact that he was practically screaming at her “get it out! Get it out!” Once she has done so, Stefan says how she’s changed. She’s stronger, tougher. And it’s a good thing.

And that obviously gets her in a truth-telling mood because she tells him about how she kissed Damon. And Stefan’s face falls. He doesn’t say anything. Nothing. Not a word. He doesn’t even look her in the face. He just gets up and walks away. Away from her.

Good because Rippah Stefan has been around for so long, my immunity to STEARS (which has always been tenuous at best) is definitely gone by now.

Back at the hospital, Meredith is explaining to Alaric that Bill is the victim of an “actual animal attack.” Alaric is all, “is he going to make it?”

And Meredith concedes that no, he’s not. Not on his own anyway. Then she pulls out a vial of Damon’s blood! Bad doctor! I’m calling the ethics board!

She injects Bill with it. She turns to Alaric and confesses her secret – she’s a doctor who hates when her patients die (um, isn’t that all doctors?), so she cheats. She has the ability to do something about it, so she does it.

Back in Monroe, Elena is determined to get a word out of Stefan. He apologizes for kidnapping her. The whole thing with the bridge was too far.

But she shouldn’t have lied to him about going off to NC – not with Klaus still around willing to bite the heads off anyone who gets in his way (this, of course, is speculation on my part, but let’s be real here). Elena says she just wanted Bonnie to have a moment with her mom without anything getting in the way, and Stefan is all, “without me getting in the way.” Well, duh.

They stare at each other all intensely for a second before Elena says that she didn’t mean to kiss him.

Stefan: You’re better than him, Elena. You’re better than both of us.

Out on the road, the hybrid is gone and Bonnie and Abby are safe. Jamie is safe too. Abby wonders for how long, and Bonnie explains that they kept up their end of the bargain, so Klaus usually does too. Bonnie is all bratty again, all, “you would do all of this for him and he’s not even your family.”

Abby explains that he IS her family – but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t still care about Bonnie. She still wants to help, but there’s still the pesky not having any powers thing. Abby thinks that the longer she stayed away from Bonnie the weaker her power got, and that maybe Bonnie can help her get it back. She doesn’t want her power back, but if it was what Bonnie wanted, she would do it for her. Aww, touching. Hey, where do you think I can get one of those goat paintings?

Back in Mystic Falls at the hospital, Tyler has come to visit Bill. Ty apologizes for flying off the handle like that, but Bill’s all, “ ‘scool.” Tyler says he feels a little bit more himself now after having transitioned by himself.

Bill’s all, “good, then we’ll continue tomorrow.” He explains that Tyler only turned once. In order to break the sire bond, turning needs to be painless, so Tyler has to keep practicing until he can turn without pain. Based on what he saw today, Bill’s all, “we’re a long way off.” He also says that until Tyler is of his own free will, Bill ain’t letting Tyler anywhere near Caroline. Now, that is the first sensible thing I’ve heard come out of that man’s mouth all series.

Over at la Casa de Gilbert, Alaric figures since Meredith showed him hers, he’ll show her his. He’s a semi-retired vampire hunter. He wants them to be completely honest with each other. She suggests he can start by explaining how he survived getting hit by that SUV, so he shows her his ring.

And she fucking tries to take it off! Meredith! What what what are you doing, you stupid bitch?! She’s all, “are you afraid I’m a supernatural being,” all flirtily and shit. “One can never be too careful.” Amen, Alaric.

Oh, and now he’s going to kiss her. I don’t trust her. I don’t trust her any further than I can throw her.

Just then Elena comes in and breaks it up. Good. Alaric apologizes for macking it in her house, in Jenna’s house, in Elena’s family’s house, but Elena is all “as soon as you slept on that couch it became your place too.” They needed him and he manned up.

Elena thanks him and basically tells him he’s allowed to move on because Jenna is gone. Sweet.

Over at the SBH, Stefan finds Damon in front of the fireplace. Damon tells him he only managed to get one coffin out of the house before Klaus got there, and he opted for the locked one, which Stefan agrees was a good idea. Damon also says that Bonnie’s mom can’t help because she doesn’t have any powers. Stefan isn’t surprised.

“It’s been that kind of night.” Then Damon has the goddamn GALL to ask if Elena is alright, so Stefan pops him one right in the face! BOOYAH!

Oh, come on, like he didn’t deserve that. Damon takes that as a hint that Stefan doesn’t want to talk about it, so he proposes they talk about…

THE DAGGER THAT HE’S HOLDING WHAT DAGGER IS IT OMG DAMON WHERE DID YOU GET THAT WHAT IS IT OMG OMG OMG. Stefan is all, “What did you do?”

And Damon is just running his fingers up and down the blade of that thing and STOP TRYING TO DISTRACT ME DAMON WHAT DID YOU DO?!

Over at Klaus’ mansion, his hybrid is wheeling the last of the coffins into the room. Wait. I have a quick question. Wasn’t Klaus, like, JUST renovating this place? Hybrids work fucking FAST! They are really missing out on a money-making opportunity by not opening their own renovations business. Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes. The hybrid asks if Klaus is going to wake up his family, but Klaus says he has one last piece of unfinished business.

Then suddenly the hybrid looks like he’s about to do his own business right there on the rug, but then he falls. And… Elijah is standing right behind him with his heart in his hand.

I’m not sure you heard me, readers. Elijah.

Is standing. RIGHT THE FUCK BEHIND THE HYBRID.

WITH HIS HEART IN HIS HAND. ELIJAH. MOTHERFUCKING ELIJAH. ELIJAH. ELIJAH. DEAR SWEET LORD BABY JESUS ELIJAH IS BACK! ELIJAH YOU GUYS!

And Klaus. Is. Terrified.

Okay, shut up, he’s going to speak.

Elijah: So, Niklaus.

Klaus: Elijah.

Elijah: What’d I miss?

MY HEART! MY HEART! OH THE HUMANITY!

(All screencaps courtesy of hotn-caps.com)